


My Retirement Plan Was Death

by gresniandjeo29



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Romance, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-11
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-02-16 23:52:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 60
Words: 66,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2289302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gresniandjeo29/pseuds/gresniandjeo29
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My own vanguard, Earthborn Renegon Commander Joan Shepard is revived by the Alliance after ending the reaper threat. Story takes place after and including the Citadel DLC. Shepard has cheated death twice, but survival isn't sweet. Angry, haunted and tormented, Joan is not the forgiving kind--not with others and not with herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Circe80](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Circe80/gifts).



> My story messes with timeline, romance and end game possibilities, probably includes spoilers, AU and rated M for a reason in later chapters. I will be editing as I go along. I've just been letting the story lead the way. As it goes on though, it is getting heavier--just a fair warning. As I've said before, Bioware owns everything, including pieces of my heart.

Commander Joan Shepard was nobody's fool. Earthborn, hardy and streetwise, she fit in just about anywhere in the galaxy that a bar fight with broken bottles might break out. While life continued to harden her, she thought she might have been born hard. She had survived when others hadn't and she had buried ones she loved. Still, she had made good in the world. A sparkling career with the Alliance had taken a detour through her time with Cerberus, but it had gotten right back on track the minute the Alliance needed her.  _The minute the going got rough..._

 

Not that it had been easy. Her house arrest had kept her from Thane. _Thane.._. It was the thing she had resented most about the poking and prodding she had taken in the aftermath of destroying the Collector base. The Alliance filtered her messages. _They **violated** me and they cost me precious time._ Years had passed. When the opportunity came, Shepard had not killed Thane's killer--she had murdered him. It had been slow, she had taken her time. Winning his screams took concerted effort, but she had managed. Nevertheless, her rage at the Alliance had never dimmed. She may have saved the galaxy, but that didn't change anything. _Not a goddamned thing_.

 

Getting out of the elevator to the Presidium Commons, Shepard made her way in the direction of her apartment. She had purchased the place years ago, just after Thane's death. In truth, the purchase had been in the works long before. Since they had found each other, it had been a dream. _It was a dream. Every moment with him was a dream_. But that was the thing about being tough like her. All the grief in the world just couldn't make her die. She liked the apartment. She liked the quiet. She liked the privacy. After her time in service, privacy was a huge luxury in and of itself. But some things about having the place didn't make sense without Thane...like having a kitchen. On her own, what was it for?

 

She changed course and headed towards the restaurant where she ate every day. _Don't know how to cook. Never had a mom to show me how._  She didn't feel nostalgic for home cooking the way she did for military rations. _The Alliance was the first place to give me three squares a day._ Sitting down, she ordered a beer to keep her company until the food came. When it arrived, she ate without ceremony, paid and left. _There. We can check that off for the day,_ she thought, wryly. It always felt like an obligation. She had come back from the dead twice now. _Three's a charm?_ Thane expected her to live. He was waiting for her across the sea. Time didn't matter. He wasn't about to get deader. She had seen him for a moment, the second time she died...she had seen him. _Not yet, Siha. Not yet_. The memory was so personal, she had never shared it. But at night, it replayed on a reel--that instant they were reunited, and the instant he had pushed her back towards life. Even now, she still questioned why.

 

It had been so perfect, choosing synthesis. Without Thane, life had passed into utter meaninglessness. She had held it together to get to Kai Leng, but beyond that hadn't cared for the galaxy. The whole thing had been a nice suicide mission, something she had never hoped to come back from. Choosing synthesis had meant that it was over, the fight was over forever. It had meant uniting with everything and everyone, including Thane. _Especially Thane_. Her life and death had meaning. But she was yanked back to life, this time by the Alliance. _The Alliance is done with you when they're done with you. There's no being "done" with them._ With the help of EDI, they had managed to restore her completely within an organic synthetic hybrid shell...a cross between synthetics and genetic cloning. She had gone AWOL for months, and when her former comrades caught up to her, she had not thanked them for their trouble.

 

Picking up the pace, she began to jog over to her place. Jack and Miranda still hated each other to the bone, but it hadn't stopped them from organizing a girls' night out with EDI and Liara. She didn't love socializing, but Miranda could dance, Jack could drink, Liara had a big heart and EDI kept collecting jokes. Besides, getting wrecked in a club was no worse than anything else she could be doing. As she rounded the top of the stairs, she caught sight of a very familiar muscular form, leaning with practiced nonchalance against the door frame of her address. Her blood immediately razed from baseline seething to scorching.

 

"What are you doing here, Vega?" One nice thing about being dead twice was never wasting time. It put people off their guard, but it was the only way she could live now. She couldn't pretend to care about how she came across.

 

"Shepard," he was put off his guard. "Lola, uh...you look good."

 

"Yeah, the Alliance rebuilt me real nice. I asked you a question, Vega."

 

"Listen, Lola..." he rubbed the back of his neck. _He's nervous. He should be._ "Look, I really want to talk to you about what happened--"

 

"Stow it, Vega. I'm a big girl. I know what I did, I don't need you reminding me, I don't need to talk about it and I don't need you coming around. Are we clear, Lieutenant?" _Get the fuck away from my door_. Her eyes were throwing detination charges as she deliberately invaded his space. He, of all people, had no right to make any kind of demand on her.

 

She didn't think he could manage to make her regret not being a little bit gentler, but he did. "Crystal, Commander." He straightened his spine and took a half step back. 

 

She didn't let him off the hook easily. That would have been from another time, back when she commanded the Normandy. She kept his eyes locked in hers. "Good. Go." _Dismissed, soldier...but not "at ease"._

 

Lieutenant James Vega did a good job of putting on a show most of the time. He was built like a tank and he used that. He was cocky and flirtatious and liked to seem unbeatable. But he was beaten now. He held himself up with the pride he took in being a soldier, but his steps were those of one defeated. Shepard knew. She had walked them.


	2. Chapter 2

It always made her uncomfortable. _Every time I die, I come back to never-never-land_. Life and death were strange that way. Purgatory was the same. Nothing about it seemed to change. Aria T'loak had gone back to Omega, but everything else was just where she left it every night. Joker and EDI were there, Joker at a table and EDI at the bar with them. Miranda and Jack were practically having a dance off while Liara watched them with eyes that always seemed to stay wide no matter how much horrible stuff they caught. James was... _fuck. What are the fucking odds?_ Some things seemed to always be the same. Others changed. Life continued for the living.

 

"Come on, Liara. Let's go check in with Joker." _As good an excuse to the leave the bar as any._

 

"But, Shepard, our drinks..."

 

"Someone will bring them over. Let's go. Now." Liara easily followed her eyes to the one place they refused to go. The Lieutenant had shown up with a bunch of marines. He had joined the N7 program, but it didn't change his roots. He liked to be "down in the trenches", among the regular soldiers. Shepard had liked it herself when she had been on active duty. Now, even battle seasoned soldiers seemed like starry eyed kids to her. It made her uncomfortable.

 

"Shepard, don't you think your are too hard on the Lieutenant? He was truly distressed when you..."

 

"When I what? When I died?"

 

"Yes. Perhaps even before.  He was so quiet after your house warming party," Liara paused.

 

 _I can imagine_ , she thought. Liara wasn't done.

 

"Then, when Major Alenko was sent back and you were sent on--"

 

"I'm sure it was all very touching," she interrupted, a little more sharply than she had meant to. Glancing over at her, she instantly regretted it. Liara cared about people; every squadmate, every sudbordinate. She was the glue that held them together after round two and she was especially good at not taking things Shepard said or did personally. "Listen, Liara. You've been a good friend to me, probably better than I deserve. I respect you. But spare me the lecture this time, okay?"

 

"Alright, Shepard," she responded, gently. She didn't press. _That's probably why everyone likes her_.

 

"C'mon, Shepard!" Jack called out from the second dance floor. "That Alliance rebuild you for nothing? Get your ass up here. Let's give that state of the art hybrid a test drive--let's see what she can do!" She slammed one fist into the other hand before giving her hips a long twist to say that she was still on the dance floor.

 

"Probably no better than the old model, Jack," Miranda replied. She always managed to tease with a hint of challenge. Shepard started to shake her head. Then she saw Miranda raise one eyebrow and it was on.

 

"You'll regret that." She bounded up the stairs two at a time, necked two doubles at the bar and hit the floor amid whoops from her girlfriends. _That's what they are now. I'm not a commander. I'm a stuffed prize animal the Alliance decided to hang on the wall for when company comes._ _And these are my friends who are trying to make it tolerable._

 

Lt. Vega stayed downstairs with his drinking/gambling buddies. It had been a good night; he had skinned them well enough to buy the drinks to smooth his winning streak over. It almost didn't even feel that awkward. The Commander didn't want to talk to him. He got that. Didn't mean he couldn't look from time to time. The new body mostly looked like the old one, just sleeker...that whole half-synthetic thing. She had always filled out the uniform right. When it came to the face, they had tried to stay true to the original, but the eyes weren't right. They had all the fire, but they hadn't gotten the color. _Not that I can see them from here...I can see the rest though._ She hadn't always been a good dancer from what he heard, but she improved with time... _or maybe with her biotics._

 

Buying another round gave him the reason he needed to turn away, but a bunch of approving shouts from upstairs drew him back. As he turned around, he saw Shepard had jumped up on one of the platforms with one of the asari dancers. She had taken the top of the pole and was upside down with her legs split wide sliding down it. The asari adjusted her routine to allow it while her friends egged her on. How much had she drunk? _Goddamn, Lola..._ He felt his blood pressure spike. _Steer clear, James. She doesn't want anything to do with you_. Her party, her rules. _You could do yourself a favor by leaving, though._ He said his goodbyes to the crew, making up some excuse and started toward the door. Looking back once more to catch another acrobatic pole stunt, he took in a visible breath. _Goddamn._


	3. Chapter 3

_"Siha..." His voice brushed her ear along with the heat of his breath. She trembled. This is joy._

 

 

" _Thane..._ " _she whispered._ _  
_

 

 

_He was so beautiful. He never changed. His eyes always looked at her with the same quiet, the same tenderness...the same admiration. It was no different when they were together like this. The whole thing had begun in the living room. He accepted and returned her kiss, confessing that he had missed her. She had missed him. Their kisses had continued and multiplied. Clothing had come to litter the path to the bedroom and now they lay, rolling around, on the bed. Power and assertiveness blended between them and balanced. Each gave and took._

 

_He had a way of knowing her, a way of taking things he wanted without leaving her in want. He caressed her in ways he knew she loved while taking her spirit through her eyes, or her strength through her climax. He nourished himself through learning every inch of her body. Every inch. He let her have her way with him in the same way. The sex reflected the way they loved. Where there was fairness, no judgement could exist. They fought to remain in the moment and never let the pressure of his illness or her mission rush them. This was their foundation. On top of it lay their attraction, which was strong._

 

_He had rolled under her, pulling her up to straddle him. Securing her eyes in his sights, he had found her opening and with a blend of familiarity and unending appreciation, he had pushed himself in with one stroke. Length and bredth. Time froze for an instant, while they both lost their breath. Their hands didn't stop caressing, their eyes never parted. Her hips began to roll. Nothing made her feel like this. Nothing in the world made her feel the way she did in his arms. Her pace began to accelerate. There was never a rush, but the passion between them made demands. His hands encouraged her, as did his eyes, even as he threw back his head in response to her. Her lips were parted and plump from kisses and bites. She was breathing through her mouth as she neared her climax. "Siha..."_

 

She bolted up in bed. At first she didn't know where she was. There wasn't a trail of clothes by the door and the sheets were a different color. She wore N7 training shorts and a tank. Panting and sweating, she reached down to touch between her legs. Her sex was hot and dripping wet. Bringing her fingers to her nose, she realized she even smelled like herself. _Those Alliance fucks thought of everything_.

 

Then she pulled back, looking at her hand...and she screamed. She screamed and screamed and screamed. Tears came so fast, they just seemed to rain from her face to her chest, and she screamed. She screamed until she had no voice left.


	4. Chapter 4

"Shepard..." Garrus sat with his arm slung over the back of her couch. He always made himself comfortable as her place. She still felt most comfortable in his company. Like her, Garrus was a hard person--born Turian, then forged and tempered, he spoke more from reason than sentiment. If anyone was left in her world who still felt familiar... _he doesn't bullshit--straight shooter all the way_. He was also the team member the Alliance had summoned to be there when they woke her up. Looking back on it, she couldn't deny she was glad it was him. She couldn't have tolerated anyone else seeing her like that.

 

"You've got that tone in your voice, Garrus. Go ahead. Say what you're going to say." In addition to everything else, he was the only person who was never disturbed by her clipped manner.

 

"Come on, Shepard. We're better than that. The whole crew is worried about you."

 

"Including you."

 

"Shepard, this is me talking. When Cerberus brought you back, you bounced back...bounced--no--snapped back. The galaxy didn't know what hit it."

 

"I had unfinished business, then." The statement hung in the air for a minute, then Garrus picked it right up.

 

"Then maybe it's time you found some new business to finish. Get the council to raise your Spectre status--"

 

"Do you remember what I said when they offered it to me the first time?  'I'd rather stay dead," I said. My exact words, if I recall correctly. You think the answer's different now? I didn't do it when Cerberus recruited me--why would I do it now? I'm sick of taking orders--I just want this to be over."

 

"That's just it, isn't it?" He was serious, gray eyes searching hers. "Hell, Shepard. I'm not going to pretend with you. No one's been asked for more and no one's done more than you. They brought you back and you were done. I know that." He paused, holding her gaze. She hardly spoke of it, but she was his best friend and he had seen how losing Thane effected her. She was still the ballsiest person he had ever seen, but he had known when they said goodbye before she had gone in to set off the Catalyst. He had made sure to make his peace, made sure that she knew how much he cared. He couldn't deny how happy he had been when they called him in to see her. Not even what he had witnessed in her then had been able to change that. She was back.

 

Now she leaned forward, her forearms on her knees, resting her forehead against one hand. " _Siha..._ " The dream flashed through her mind. The hand supporting her head abruptly smacked her forehead five times before coming to cover her eyes. "Garrus..."

 

"Shepard, I know you didn't mean to be here, but you are. You need to fill the hours. You don't want the Alliance psych evaluation? Then take the Council Spectre status. You don't want to follow orders? I can't remember a time when you followed them, anyway. I'm not here to judge you. I don't care how you do it, but do it." His voice dropped to a soft key. "He didn't want this, you know that. He wanted you to live--well."

 

"Don't," _the message...the last message..._ " just, don't." She summoned the courage to tell him the truth. "He's not dead to me. It's all wrong, Garrus...being here without him..."she stopped. _Breathe, damnit_.

 

"Then **don't** be here. Get back out there, Shepard. It's been three years. It's time."


	5. Chapter 5

_Goddamn it, Garrus._ He had been right, she knew that. She could get back on the Normandy and work, or she could piss her nights away in clubs. It didn't matter what she did, but she had to fill the hours. Getting back to training had helped to regulate her sleep. She didn't get as tired and sore as before. Training the new skin was more about understanding just what it could do than actually training it to do anything. Now, she stood before the Council as they reinstated her. _This is the better option...better to be the shadowy arm of the council, operating within a gray area of the law._

 

Besides, the Council could throw a great party--and reinstating the first human Spectre required a gala event. Her whole crew was invited. Most of the staff had agreed to return to the Normandy, but her sqaud mates had all moved on. Major Alenko was a Spectre in his own right, now slightly lamed by the injuries he sustained trying to get to the Catalyst. Garrus was also a Spectre. They had their own ships, their own commands. It was the same with almost everyone she had ever worked with. Only EDI and Joker would be coming with her. _I'm going to have to find some half-decent help,_ she thought to herself. She'd start her search on Omega, then maybe head to Tuchanka...

 

 _Fuck, if public life doesn't suck_. She pinched the side seams of her dress to shimmy it down a little. EDI had taken charge of her wardrobe when they rebuilt her and every measurement was to the milimeter. Most of the stuff was regular gear, the kind of things she wore every day, but in the closet there had been the one dress, the thing for a formal function. Black with red piping, it fit like a second skin until it fanned out in a fishtail at her knees. She had gotten a lot of compliments, but that didn't help much. _I've got to fill the hours, just fill the hours._

 

Lt. James Vega had entered the hall late in the ceremony and stood near the back where she wouldn't see him. He was walking a fine line between staying away from her and at the same time not snubbing her. The Commander deserved respect, so the whole crew should be there. Besides, orders were orders. He checked his dress blues one more time then headed up the stairs into the council area. He spotted Garrus first. Garrus and the Commander were thick as thieves--he'd find her if he followed him...not that he really wanted to find her yet. _Look, don't touch,_ he thought to himself, but when he saw her he amended his thought. _Look, don't stare_.

 

He caught sight of Miranda, leaning against a pillar on the sidelines, so he made a beeline in her direction. She was a born spy, she was sure to have the best view. As he approached her, he tried to look comfortable, snagging champagne glasses and coming to lean on the other side of the pillar. He handed her a glass. "Ms. Lawson."

 

"Lt. Vega." She returned. "You look crisp and official." She hadn't looked at him. At least, he didn't think she had. "The Commander is certainly looking well."

 

He followed her eyes. _Goddamn, Lola_. He felt the blood rush where it shouldn't. He didn't get to call her Lola anymore. He didn't lie to himself. He was attracted to her, probably more than ever, but he'd keep his distance and keep it in his pants if it could just go back to the harmless, friendly, flirty, ball-busting rapport it had been.

 

"What happened between the two of you?" _Shit_. He should've known she'd smell that something wasn't right. There wasn't much that escaped Miranda.

 

"Yes. What happened between the two of you?" _Fuck_. Garrus. _The fucking Turian big brother._

 

"Talking about me, again?" _Fuck my life. Lola. Shepard._ Time was when she'd have surprised them like that with a certain look in her eye. Mischief. Humor. The pure joy of seeing someone wriggle on a hook. _Not anymore_.


	6. Chapter 6

When she woke up, it was almost noon. Her stomach grumbled, an after effect of the night before. _Champagne, a late night...plenty of awkardness._ When she had seen James Vega pinned to the ropes by Garrus and Miranda, she had had to step in, to protect her own privacy. Drama averted, she had spent the rest of the evening testing the boundaries of her new alcohol tolerance, which it seemed had been well tailored to her after-death lifestyle. _Well, it's a good thing the Council doesn't expect me to report to Spectre headquarters on the day after my own party_.

 

She got up and shuffled downstairs to make coffee. Her mind wandered back to the previous night. _Vega always made the uniform look good,_ she recalled. Their past didn't have much to do with the present, and it wasn't much of a past. _Just one night. Just one drunken night that I wouldn't have thought twice about if it wasn't for Thane._ She should have never held that party. Two weeks after the memorial service, she had held the housewarming party that everyone had been hoping for. Most people hadn't expected she could do it, not after the memorial. So, she had done it anyway.

 

James was a tease. She knew that, and she had always enjoyed his discomfort around her. He played the "commanding officer" card a lot, and she suspected there was a bit of truth to it. At the same time, she had always believed that people had to sleep in the beds they made. If he wanted to tease her, she was going to tease him.

 

 _That wasn't all,_ she thought, rubbing her temple as she poured the first ready mug of black, steamy goodness. She was so... _lonely?_ Did that even cover it? She finally had the big place she planned to share with Thane, but Thane wasn't in it. She had a huge gaping hole in her chest from his death, the death he had hastened by refusing to stop protecting her, but she couldn't talk about it. No one had even let her cry until after the memorial service, alone while she watched the messages she had missed--and by then it had embarrassed her to do it. After the memorial, Vega had looked at her differently. That was hard on her. He looked like he was watching her cry every second, like she was a broken bird and not a vengeful harpy. It had been dis-empowering. Somehow, she had needed to get that power back...just to keep going.

 

 _And so I slept with him. I got drunk, got him drunk and didn't let up until he capitulated._ The sex had been good. It had been wild, messy and fun. Maybe even a little bit comforting. He certainly hadn't given her quarter. _He didn't treat me like an invalid then._ But it wasn't flattering. She woke up the following morning, sore and sated with heavy muscled arms holding her...and that had felt good. She didn't plan on making a habit of it, but when he woke up the look in his eye was back. _Great flirt, shitty liar_. He regretted it. _D_ _idn't want to talk about it, then._ She was back to invalid status. Not that it mattered. _Not when I was on the fast track to a permanent exit strategy...why does he want to talk about it now?_

 

Across town with the marines at the holding bay, Lt. James Vega was getting yet another tattoo--right on his ribs, on the left side. Every needle stroke calmed him. _No pain, no gain._ It was actually relaxing after last night, the Commander's reinstatement banquet. _The Council doesn't care. They'll sign off on it, send her back to active like she's okay._ He didn't pretend to know much but he knew that Shepard was not okay. He didn't think he had much to do with it. She was able to go on pretending nothing was wrong between them, avoiding him and what not. Maybe it was just a roll in the hay to her and he was just making her uncomfortable. He had never been able to get over his guilt about that night. He was a regular red blooded guy. He had been attracted to her from word go, but that didn't mean anything. Who she was meant something. She was his commander, yes, but she was also a ballsy no bullshit kind of woman and a fierce friend. She'd walk into the fire for any of them, and she had. Nothing was just talk with her. And that's why nothing in life had disturbed him more than watching her cry after the memorial for Thane, when she thought no one was looking. It wasn't any secret, everyone knew they were lovers, but something about seeing her cry had made it real to him.

 

He winced as the shading began, then returned to his thoughts. He knew she wasn't ready for anything like sex. How could she be? But damn, she knew every right thing to say, every move to make. He did feel awkward about her being his commanding officer, but more awkward about her being his brother-in-arms's widow. _Lola.._.Once the drinking managed to impair his better judgment, it was easier and easier to fall into the game. All it took was privacy for him to jump her. _Da_ _mn it, Lola_. This was the part he hated thinking about. In spite of everything that was wrong about it, there was something so right about it...about just giving in. _Best sex of my life, hands down._ And that had made it worse when he woke up holding her. It didn't take a genius. Maybe she enjoyed it, maybe it even helped, but some part of him would always know that she hadn't really wanted him. She wanted Thane. _And after everything they had been through, I'd think she was crazy if she didn't._ And now, he'd been assigned to her detail.


	7. Chapter 7

**"WHAT?!"**

 

 _Fuck_. He had known she wouldn't take it well. It was more than the stuff going on with them. She didn't like orders. She wanted to choose her own team and nothing in the world would make her choose him. It was no reflection on him as a soldier. Tension was a distraction. He knew that better than anyone.

 

She whirled on the Council. "Being a Spectre means two things to me: never having to say I'm sorry and getting the job done by my own methods. What the hell do you mean, 'That's an order'?"

 

"It is the Alliance's contention that, as you will be returning to command of an Alliance vessel and as you have refused psychiatric evaluation, it remains their right to assign an operative to aid and observe your activities," the Salarian ambassador replied in as smooth and reasonable a tone as possible.

 

"The **Alliance**? They think they have a right to _anything_?" _Fuck, fuck, fuck. Half synthetic, whatever. She is absolutely shaking with rage_.

 

"The Council is inclined to agree. You have done a considerable amount not only for the galaxy, but for us personally. None of us has forgotten that, nor the sacrifices--"the Asari began.

 

"Don't...you... **dare**..speak to me of sacrifice," now her voice was rumbling like thunder. She could intimidate anyone. She went on,"Do you know what they did to me? How they violated me? Do you know what they **stole**? I **HATE** the Alliance and I do **NOT** need their babysitter!"

 

 _It's not personal,_ he thought. _It's not personal._ That didn't make it easy to hear. In all the time he had known her, worked with her, followed her command, he had never seen this kind of anger. They wanted her psych evaluated and it wasn't so unreasonable. Her body was a prototype. Her transition from death into life had not, as EDI had put it, been seamless. She was a fighter and she had fought. That was the second time he had watched her cry while no one knew he was there.

 

He didn't know about the project. Her death had taken a toll on him. He had a lot of regret, a lot of things he hadn't cleared with her. Still, if he had known about it he would have been vocal against it. It was wrong to use humanity's greatest hero as a test subject for a new prototype, no matter how many it might save or whatever. _What ever happened to respect...a little reverence?_ When he had found out, it had been totally by accident. He had been at Huerta visiting a buddy when he had seen Garrus stride in--all business. He had shadowed him and when Garrus entered one of the rooms he heard one of the doctors say, "We're bringing her out now." Then, he saw the body in the bed. He tried to swallow, but his mouth had run dry in one breath. Garrus stood with his hands resting on her shoulders as her eyes drifted open. It had taken her a second to get it, but as soon as she did...

 

 **"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"** He closed his eyes involuntarily. He would never forget that scream...never forget the look in her eyes. Garrus had pinned her, said stuff to soothe her, held her--he did everything right. _He did everything I would have done_. But she had fought. With her biotics, she had charged Garrus through a wall and broken every glass pane on the entire hallway. She had fought and screamed and cried. In the end, they had used a trank-gun--

 

Her voice brought him back to the present. "This isn't over." All of a sudden, she was quiet and still. _Still as the grave_.

 

He had actually preferred her yelling. Garrus's voice startled him. _Man, I am way out of it if I didn't even notice him come in._ "Commander Shepard is entitled to pick her own people like any Council Spectre. Her special circumstances which are beyond her control surely can't be held against her by the same organization that put her into them." _Smooth, Garrus. Get us both the fuck out of this_.

 

"That is why the Council has not pressed the issue of evaluation ourselves. We believe in Commander Shepard's abilities, but we cannot refuse the Alliance on this. The Normandy is an Alliance vessel. It is a near priceless prototype, due in large part to the Commander's dedication, but it is still _theirs_. We're sorry, Shepard," the Turian ambasador concluded.

 

"Not yet, you're not." She said it under her breath, but he and Garrus both caught it. One thought was shared between the three of them: _Not by a long shot_.


	8. Chapter 8

_Well, not my finest hour_. She had been in danger of pulling out her hair, _or whatever they call this stuff_ , when Garrus had shown up to interrupt the meeting on her behalf. It hadn't been easy, but when she had heard the order that Vega had been assigned to her detail, she had sat down with some whisky, a lot of whisky, and told Garrus the truth. He had heard her out and agreed to do what he could. It had been harder to get him to agree not to let Vega know that he knew...it sort of ruled out punching him in the face. _He doesn't deserve that_. He hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't his fault how he saw her, it was just what it was. Just like it wasn't her fault she couldn't stand seeing the way he looked at her now.

 

But it hadn't worked. Garrus had shown up as promised, but the mandate wasn't revoked. _I'll have to get a handle on my temper...try to be a professional. Of all the fucking shit._ The last thing a twice dead Spectre should have to think about was being professional. She would have to get a handle on things. Even if she left him in the shuttle bay on every mission, she'd still have to get used to him being on her ship and doing his job. _And I can't bench Vega like that, anyway_. He had gotten into the N7 program on his own merit and he didn't deserve to be sidelined in his prime. Her name wasn't going anywhere, but this was his time to make a name for himself. She wouldn't be much of a leader if she stood in his way. She had a weekend to wrap her head around it. Monday, they reported to the Normandy at 0500.

 

Over at Purgatory, James Vega had gathered his fellow Marines for a weekend of debauchery as a send off. He was shipping out, like it or not. He wouldn't mind seeing more action. _Wrong word choice._  He tried to shake off the memory of the upstairs dance floor from a couple of weeks ago. The truth was that nothing the N7 program could throw at him would ever add up to the crazy shit storms he had been in under Shepard's command. It was a snoozefest by comparison. Now his friends were tipping Asari dancers to come dance on the bar for him... _can't say I mind that_. He really didn't mind. All the casual stuff, like flirting, was fine. But it felt a little wrong on a drink up send off not to have Shepard around. She was always there for her people, through the good and the bad. This was good, a regular good time, and where was she? _Probably trying to figure out how to make the entire Alliance disappearing look like an accident_. He smiled to himself. _If anyone could._..then the smile died. He wondered if that included him.

 

Turning back to the bar, he did his share of tipping. He ordered doubles and chasers and doubles and chasers. _Trying to forget, already?_ There was no way around it. At one point or another, they were going to have to clear the air. He necked another double as one of the dancers stroked his face in a kitten like gesture. He didn't mind that, either. It was nice to be distracted. He still didn't know if it was better to just get it done, _like ripping off a bandage_ , or let it happen when she wanted. _Let it go, for tonight_. Pounding his chaser, he returned to the party.

 

"What are you doing here, Vega?"

 

What was he doing there? Was he there? The tone of her voice was awfully familiar. Was he remembering or was he repeating a mistake for a second time?  _Only one way to find out._ He lurched through the door.  _I didn't get through the door the last time. Must be repeating my mistakes._ He rubbed his eyes once. She was standing in her living room wearing the N7 shorts and a tank.  _Damn, she looks good enough to eat._

 

"Vega, I asked you a question."  _Man, it's like the same conversation...gotta mix it up._

 

"Lola..."his head was spinning. He had had a lot to drink. He took a deep breath.

 

"God, Vega. You smell like a brewery. Sit down. I'll get you some water." Just like that she breezed past him. She smelled good. She wasn't all girly with perfumes or whatever, but she smelled good. He was still standing when she came back. She pushed him over to the sofa, sat him down and handed him the water. When he handed the glass back to her, the facial expression he got was neutral.  _At least she's not mad._ She left again, brought back the glass full with a whole pitcher of iced water.  She handed him the glass and he drained it. She refilled it and placed it with the pitcher on the coffee table.  _Come on, Vega._ He had to say something.

 

But he was struck stupid and dumb when he felt her hands gently, but firmly, pushing his shoulders back, then sweeping his feet up from the floor so he was lying on the couch. It was a dream combination he didn't even know he'd been dreaming of and it felt too good to resist. "Lola..."he tried again.

 

"Get some rest, Vega. Looks like you earned it," she said. Was that a touch of that certain something she had? He was seeing double, now.  _Twice as nice,_ he thought to himself. Closing his eyes to blink, he slept. When he woke up, he found himself under a blanket he didn't remember. Rubbing his pounding head, he started to look around.  _Alright, James, what have you done this time?_  The apartment was silent.  _She's gone._ He smelled coffee before he spied the note on the table, right next to a bottle of aspirin.

 

It read:  _There's fresh coffee in the kitchen. I trust you can let yourself out once you get yourself together. Oh--and Vega--I better see you at 0500. You got that, Lieutenant?_

 

 _Yeah...there's that certain something._ He would be there. 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

He didn't like it...Vega showing up drunk at all hours of the night. Ever since she had told him what happened after Thane's death, he had had trouble reigning it in. That didn't matter now. She was resuming command. He wasn't sure if she was ready and he wasn't sure if Vega's presence on board would be anything other than a completely unnecessary stress, but today was the day. He was watching her take charge of the Normandy. _And I'm not letting her go out half-cocked_. It had taken him the whole weekend, but he had upgraded the guns for her. He had used everything he knew and things he had developed on his own ship so that she would have the best guns in the galaxy. Looking at her now, he had to believe he had pushed in the right direction.

 

She looked calm. Maybe for the first time since they brought her back. She turned to him and raised on her toes to whisper in his ear the words he wanted to hear. "You were right, Garrus." He had hugged her then, far beyond caring what the onlookers might make of it. Of course, no press event was complete without Shepard decking a reporter. He smiled when it happened. He couldn't help himself. It didn't make it easier to watch her board, Vega not far behind, then fly out into the stars. But he was glad she had.

 

Aboard the Normandy, everything seemed ship shape. She had Joker plot a course for Omega. Back from the dead for a second time, she'd have to renew old acquaitances like Aria T'loak. Aria knew everything worth knowing, and if she was going to build a new team, Aria might have some leads. And Omega was more than that. There was salvage, weapon and armor upgrades...and Afterlife. _As good a place to begin my new life as any. I bet Aria will appreciate the irony._ She went around the ship, from shuttle bay to captain's quarters, checking out who might need what. _It's fun to go shopping when you're rich as hell. Not bad for a street kid_.

 

On reaching her cabin, she felt a sudden wave of fatigue. _Is this relief?_ Maybe she had spent too much time in one place. It felt good to move. Everything was where she left it. _Why do they always kill my fish? Every time I die.._.she started to laugh. What else could she do? No one ever seemed to take care of her fish when she died. It was a good thing she never kept a dog. _I still don't know what became of my hamster..._ She'd have to get new ones right away. The place looked way too sterile without them. For now, she had a little time. She took to her bunk and napped.

 

She was woken by Joker's voice on the intercom. "ETA in 15 minutes, Commander."

 

"Thanks, Joker," she replied. She jumped in the shower and dressed. Checking all her weapons, she geared up, feeling something like excitement. _Omega. Afterlife_.

 

She went directly to Aria as soon as she docked. "Commander Shepard," she began. She always had flare. _She's one sexy and dangerous bitch_. "I shouldn't even be surprised anymore. It only took you three years to visit. Need something?"

 

"Good to see you, too, Aria." _Straight to the point. I like that._ "I'm looking to build a team. Thought you might have some leads."

 

Aria laughed. "You thought right. What would you say if I told you another Ardat Yakshi made it through the war and is hiding out in the tenements?"

 

"I'd say I think I know her." _Falere.._."Has she been behaving herself?"

 

"As far as I know. She doesn't act like the one we had here a few years back. I think she's trying to remain celibate. She might have come to the wrong place."

 

Shepard choked. "You think?" She let her eyes sweep out over the crowds of beautiful young people and Asari dancers. Samara's last daughter. It was a good idea and not a bad gesture of friendship to take her onto the Normandy. It was easier to keep on the straight and narrow if you had a job...something with goals and purpose. "Anything else?"

 

"I heard about a new krogan in town. Claims to be the Patriarch's offspring."

 

"And I bet you'd love to get him off your little island paradise."

 

"Please, Shepard. Even if his claim is true, I beat his father. I would beat him, too, in a straight fight. The point is, why waste? If the Patriarch was really his sire, then he comes from a fromidable bloodline. I've got no use for him, but maybe you do."

 

"Fair enough. Thanks. I'll see you around."

 

"Count on it, Shepard."

 

 _Next stop, the shops, then...the tenements_.


	10. Chapter 10

He had to go with her. She couldn't say no. She didn't have a team to choose from, so he was the one following her around Omega. It was alright at the club. She told him to mingle, stay inconspicuous. Right. Then she had taken him into the markets where she spent more money that he expected to see in the next seven lifetimes, buying things for the ship and the crew. He did his best to stay sharp. _Not sure if it's healthy for someone to come across as a big spender on Omega._

 

Then, she'd tried to ditch him at a restaurant and head into the tenements alone. She almost succeeded. He wondered if it hadn't been the plan all along, to keep her conversation with Aria T'loak private, bore the fuck out of him with shopping and then give him the slip. Regardless, she wasn't getting away with it. He was on a mission, the main body of which was just keeping tabs on her. He knew she resented it, but he knew she also anticipated him doing his job. _Hope she sees it that way when I catch up with her._ Deep in the residential area, things on Omega could get pretty dodgy. She could hold her own against a dozen, but two dozen, or three...some of the gangs actually ran that thick. Blood pack, especially. _Hate them. All that fire_...

 

By the time he caught up to her, somewhere in the ventilation systems, he saw why she had tried to go it alone. With her was an Asari... _she looks like Samara. Wait._..an Ardat Yakshi? Well, that was Shepard's idea of building a team. She didn't care about ruffling feathers. Biotic blue was licking its way over both of their bodies. There was always something beautiful about that in a fight. In any case, Shepard had prevailed. She was holding the Asari, probably discussing terms. He was too far back to hear. The blue light had just died down when the floor under his feet rippled with an explosion. The access gate he had come through slammed shut. He ducked into cover, scoping out the ambush forces. _That's a lot of Vorcha_.

 

Shepard knew he'd catch up. She just hoped he'd be too late to block the recruit. Falere was going to be a big asset, and the detail would probably keep her out of trouble as well as a monastery without the whole drawback of constant confinement. The blood pack was neither expected nor unexpected. There was always a chance in the less accessible areas of Omega. She knew James was behind a ventilation duct to her right. _Showtime_. Before they got to advance, she charged the leader. He was right behind her, guns blazing. It felt to good to know he was watching her back. _Wrong choice of words._ He wouldn't let her down. They didn't have to clear the air. She knew that.

 

It took a half hour to finish the fight. Falere had joined in when she was able and had turned the tide. _She's powerful. She is really powerful. She's going to be great_. Shrugging as the last one went down, she said, "Let's get back to the Normandy." That felt good.


	11. Chapter 11

_No you don't, Commander_. She was settling Falere into Thane's old quarters until she could adjust the Port deck. Then she'd move her over to Kaidan's place, where her mother had been before. Shepard had notified the Council and Samara of her decision. Samara had been pleased and Shepard had hung up on the Council. _There's a first of many._  He was pacing in her cabin. She was not getting out of this. The damned sunfish had been delivered, that was fucking nice. The door opened. She walked through it, then stopped dead when she saw him.

 

"Is there a problem, Lieutenant?" Her voice was carrying a note of challenge. That might work sometimes or with other people. but not this time. Not with him.

 

"Yes, there's a problem!" He barked it out, pleased that it actually seemed to get her attention. "You don't want me here, I get it. You can't wait to build a team so you can leave me to rot in the shuttle bay? I get that, too. But I've got a job to do here, Shepard, and no one-- **no one** is going to stop me from doing it! Don't even think about another stunt like that! Are we clear? Commander?"

 

She stood there by the door holding her silence for a minute. He caught the breath he didn't know was strangling him. The barest trace of a smile smoothed out the corners of her mouth. "Crystal," she said, so quietly he could have missed it if he hadn't seen her lips move. Suddenly at a loss for words, he started to make his way to the door. He had passed her when her voice stopped him.

 

"It was nice fighting with you again, Lieutenant." She really meant it. It had been comfortable, and not much was comfortable for her anymore.

 

 _How does she do that?_ She could say the simplest thing and it was always significant...just part of who she was. "We're going to have to talk sooner or later, Lola. I can wait. This is my detail, I'm not going anywhere. Until then, you better not expect me to understand you, but you're going to understand me. You are not putting me through _that_ again." He turned his head and looked hard into her eyes. _You're not the only one who can do this, Lola_.

 

He didn't have to explain what he meant by, " _that."_ She sighed. _I guess that's fair. He's not letting me die again on his watch_. This was stressing him out, too. She could stand to notice. Meeting his eyes, she nodded and he left with a storm still blowing in his steps.


	12. Chapter 12

_"Be alive with me tonight."_

 

_He leaned in, sharing the air he breathed with her. When their lips brushed, her hands came to touch his face. Tears were mingling as the most delicate expressions of their love flowed between their mouths. Delicacy could not last. His hands gripped her shoulders firmly as his mouth began to suck on her lips...as his tongue began to insist. Holding her, he steered her to the bed. Then his hands employed themselves, peeling off her uniform. She wasn't passive about disrobing, pushing and sliding his jacket from his shoulders._

 

_Every parting of lips was unacceptable to him. The second a layer was removed, he would rush in to reclaim the kiss. Once they were naked, his embrace became almost brutal, as a moan found its way up his throat. There was so much satisfaction and so much longing in both the sound and the embrace. They couldn't seem to hold tightly enough, or be close enough. He stretched the kiss for minutes, hands raking everything they could reach. Unable to hold back anymore, he threw his weight into hers, tumbling over onto the bed. Then he disentangled them just enough to free one to the other._

 

_His hands stayed her, positioned her and opened her up to his mouth. Passion made him shudder under her every caress, but nothing would prompt haste in him. They might only have tonight. He had to give everything and have everything. She was gasping as he love-bit her throat on both sides. He wanted to mark her for the morning and taste her tonight. He would fight, tomorrow. He would fight as he never had. He had a reason. But if they died tomorrow, he would relive this. "Be alive with me tonight."_

 

_He did feel alive, drawing on her nipples, feeling her arch her back to give herself to him. Siha...he covered her torso with hot kisses, his hands running up and down the legs that kept wrapping and unwrapping around him. He slid himself down between them, gripping them to hug his shoulders while his mouth sought her sex. His mouth was hot and hungry. He memorized every sound, every motion._

 

_When she eventually pushed at his shoulders, he fell back immediately. She could do as she wished with him. He had lost himself in her long before this night. He sucked in a near futile breath as her mouth surrounded him, tongue and hands stroking, her head bobbing to pull him deeper into her throat. Siha...he loved her, he let her have him for as long as he could, but he was soon pulling her to him--pulling her to straddle him, pulling her to kiss him. Her lips met his. He could hardly breathe as he entered her. She was a tight fit, but she wanted him and he wanted her, so he didn't stop._

 

_"Siha..." he said it this time. His angel, his angel of blood, life and death. Her eyes were trembling under his gaze. "Siha, I love you." He pushed against her gasps. "I love you." He pushed again, setting a rhythm to the mantra. "I love you."_

 

 _What the fuck is that?_ He had been sitting in the rec room, minding his own business when a blood curdling scream tore its way down a ventilation duct. He knew the sound. _Lola...what the fuck?_ The sound wasn't stopping and it sounded like... _It sounds like when they woke her up_. He felt the same sick stab in his gut. He was already at the elevator. _She won't like this, but I'm going up_. Captain's cabin. He pounded on the door key to her quarters. She was sitting up in bed, eyes wide...screaming. He crossed to her. She didn't seem to see him, or anything. He pulled her to his chest to muffle the cries, folding his arms to cover her ears. _Come on, Lola. Don't do this to me_. She didn't stop. He kept her like that until whatever the thing was dissipated...and made sure not to be there when she woke up.


	13. Chapter 13

He had been wrong. He couldn't remember another time that he had been proven wrong so fast. Re-reading the extranet message from Lt. Vega, he was actually glad that he was there. Now he was free to do what he could. That would begin with a few calls and a few favors. _She needs more people with her. She needs someone who can understand_. The next day, Garrus docked and boarded the Normandy. He didn't come alone. The old C-sec connections were still good for something. He hadn't had to look far.

 

He made his way to the Communications room and waited for Shepard.

 

"Garrus. Checking up on me already?" Her voice sounded bright. _She's hiding something._ Her appearance only varied so much in the prototype body, but her eyes looked wild and wore a peculiar gleam. 

 

"You could say that, but you shouldn't. I'm actually here to suggest a recruit." He indicated to the man standing on the opposite side of the conference table.

 

"You must be joking." What was Garrus thinking?

 

"It's no joke, Shepard. Take me with you." He hadn't seen her in three years, not since the memorial service. He hadn't known if he should give her the e-vid messages or not. He had prayed that it would do more good than harm.  _I couldn't be sure then and I am not sure now._

 

"Kolyat, your father and I fought to keep you away from this. We fought so you wouldn't have to--"

 

"My father wanted to keep me from engaging in a life of crime and he succeeded. I will not be engaging in criminal activities in your command."

 

 _I wouldn't count on it,_ she thought to herself.  _I do a lot of questionable stuff._ "What were you thinking, Garrus? Did you encourage this?"

 

Kolyat answered first. "I suggested it."

 

"I call bullshit. Garrus--"

 

"Shepard. It's a good idea. He has the skills. He wants to join you and you are building a team, the last I checked." He couldn't insist too much. She'd just dig in her heels.

 

"Please, Garrus, there is no need to speak for me. Shepard, may I speak to you alone?" His tranquil manner--it reminded her just a little of his father.

 

"It's a good idea, Shepard. I'll leave you two alone." _I hope that kid knows what he's doing_. He walked out of the room and headed straight for the shuttle bay. He needed more information...from Vega.

 

"Commander, please, sit with me." He indicated to a seat at his side. "It's been a long time. I have a fond memory from your home." He paused. "I gave you those messages. It was difficult. I prayed many times to try to know what the right course was, and even when I gave them to you I was not sure." He looked at her. His father loved her. The last prayer was hers. She loved his father, too. He hadn't doubted it, especially after the way she had interceded for him after his interrupted assassination attempt. "Was I wrong, Commander?"

 

Her eyes were blank. "I don't know." She looked at her hands. "I don't think so. I'm not sure they have anything to do with it. I didn't watch them all the time--I tried not to watch them, I mean, I couldn't bear it much...but I can't forget him. I mean, I haven't forgotten him...he's so close sometimes, I can _feel_ him--"

 

"Wait. Commander, you've seen him, in dreams perhaps?" _Tu fira...Father..._

 

She looked up then, eyes wilder than ever. "Yes." The word had been uttered with a great deal of air and very little voice. Tears were streaming out of those unnatural eyes.  _It's tearing her apart._

 

He let out a breath. "Tu fira. Commander, are you reliving memories?"

 

A little sob escaped her. She tried to steady herself. "Not just anything. I don't have dreams about becoming a Spectre or missions...only memories I shared with Thane..." _breathe, breathe damnit_ "...it's worse than anything. It is reliving _everything_ , down to the last detail--" she broke off, unable to continue through the choking constriction of her throat.

 

Kolyat sat silent for a minute. "All drell can relive any memory of their lives. You are being consumed as I believe my father was. I cannot change what is happening, but I can bear it with you. I know what it is to relive painful things, or beautiful things that are never to happen again. This I offer, along with every skill I have and the same vow my father made." Pausing, he pulled her hand between his. "I'm so sorry, Commander." She cried. She cried from pain and anguish, from knowing it might never change until she died. But she cried from relief, too. She felt like Thane would want her to send Kolyat back to the Citadel--not to let him waste his life cleaning up his father's mess. But she couldn't. There was finally someone there to talk to, someone to share the burden.  _I guess he stays._


	14. Chapter 14

"I got your message, Lieutenant." Garrus always seemed naturally in command. _I guess that's the Turian thing_. Garrus was a hell of a soldier, tactician--it wasn't for nothing he and Shepard were so close. They both led. They were both used to bearing the unbearable. _I hope I get there, one day._ He didn't need to be the history maker Shepard was. He just needed to be able to carry his memories. He knew he had done the right thing contacting Garrus. He wasn't about to report it to the Alliance. He knew his duty was to report back to high command, but this would be a betrayal of a commanding officer...of Shepard. He knew that, but it didn't mean he was looking forward to this conversation.

 

"Did you bring him?"

 

"Yes, he's up in the Comm-room talking to her now. Look, Vega, I suggested him as a recruit."

 

"As a recruit? I just thought seeing him might do her good--"

 

"Lieutenant, that is not your decision anymore than it is mine. It is my suggestion. Now, do you mind telling me what the hell happened?" He was impatient. If anything happened to Shepard, this time it would be on him for pushing her before she was ready. He was even beginning to question if she would ever be ready.

 

"I don't know. Honestly. I don't know. Her screaming probably woke up the whole vessel. The sound traveled through all the air ducts. I got to her as fast as I could and tried to...I don't know. Comfort her, make her quieter. I didn't really know what I was doing there." _I'm not you, Garrus._ Garrus always did right by her. _Garrus wouldn't have gotten liquored up and slept with her while she was grieving...not even if he wanted to._ He drew in a breath and released it. He had to get his head straight. Screwing the Commander hadn't caused this. "I didn't exactly question her. When she settled down, I got the hell out of there." Thinking of her screaming again, he winced.

 

 _What was that_? "Why did you flinch?" Gray eyes zeroed in on him.

 

He paused, scrubbing his own face with his hand under the weight of Garrus's scrutiny. "It's the way she screamed. It was just like when she came to in Huerta Mem--" _Shit._

 

Garrus's forehead creased deeply. "You were there?" He uttered the words slowly. _I was wrong. Whatever their past, if I can't be here, he's the next best person for the job. Doesn't mean he couldn't use a little scare_. He looked up. _Hmm...Maybe not._

 

Lt. Vega was already pacing with his head in his hands. "Don't tell the Commander, Garrus. She can hardly look at me as it is. I would have stayed to watch her the other night, but I thought if she woke up and saw me--It would just get worse." _He looks as bad as she does_ , Garrus thought to himself. _And no wonder_. He was glad, honored, proud to have been there for her when they brought her out. But it wasn't an easy thing to carry around. If he had to describe that moment, he would say it had contained the most stark and compelling element of despair he had ever witnessed. It had been a chilling window into the vast possibilities of suffering. Now, he knew Lt. James Vega had witnessed it, too.

 

"I won't tell her, Vega."

 

"Really?"

 

"Umm. Really. But now, I own you. Every report to the Alliance goes through me, now. I need you here." Vega stared at him hard, then nodded. _Good boy_.


	15. Chapter 15

He was waiting in the Commander's quarters. Garrus had stayed on, continuing his missions from the Normandy by shuttle. It was only temporary, but even so, it had been good. Watching him with Shepard was like watching a couple of old generals. They laughed about things they shouldn't, drank to their fallen brothers and sisters and indulged in truths that most people wouldn't see in their lifetimes. They gamed and drank in the rec room, they consulted on respective missions...having him there was stablising. He didn't like Thane's son being on board, but he had to admit, that seemed stablising also.

 

Kolyat had gotten her to go into the med bay to talk with Dr. Chakwas. They had just wound up getting drunk that first time, but the doc gave her some med-cocktail to make her sleep. There hadn't been another incident since, and Kolyat seemed to be teaching her about drell memory. He overheard part of their conversation and got it that a psych evaluation wouldn't have helped her. It made him really uncomfortable when he thought about it, but they should have let her be dead. _The Alliance botched the job_. EDI and Kolyat had debated the meaning of "soul", then interviewed Shepard about what happened when she jumped into the synthesis' stream. Both he and Garrus had stood in the background for that. _Why did Garrus make me listen in on that?_ Thinking back on it, he started to pace.

 

Their missions were all successful and she wasn't leaving him to rot in the shuttle bay. With the extra help, she could, but she wasn't. On the other hand, most of their missions were taking out raiders, slavers and terrorists--all stuff that needed to be done, sure, but for a Spectre this was all busy work. He began to sense that the Council was more influenced by the Alliance than would be expected. _It feels like a trial period._ That didn't bother him by itself. Sometimes people had to pay their dues. He did think that they could stand to waive the fee for a fucking hero like Shepard.

 

Something was bothering him, though. They did okay in action. Then, everything just flowed. They covered each other, always knew where the other was in the field--they had a battle chemistry. Back on the Normandy, it was another thing though. Then, she did leave him to rot in the shuttle bay. She only came down there to handle the upgrades. She'd shoot the shit with the shuttle pilot, but not like she had with Esteban. They hadn't danced in ages and he'd take her hitting him over avoiding him any day.

 

The door opened and he twisted to face it. _Just do it, James_.

 

"Vega. You're getting good at ambushes. What do you want to chew me out about this time?" It had gotten to feel that way. She didn't know how to do better. As far as she could tell, she was already on her best behavior.

 

Suddenly he had no idea what he had come to say. "Am I carrying a plague, Commander?" Stupid, but it had just come out.

 

She frowned. "What are you talking about, Vega?" _She only calls me that when she's pissed_. Now it was always, "Lieutenant," or, "Vega". He couldn't remember the last time she called him James. _Wait_. Yes, he could.

 

"It's all fine when we're out kicking ass, but on board you avoid me like a disease," he blurted it out. He didn't even know what he was doing there. _What is this? You think you're earning any trust like this?_ She sighed. It was the first time in a while that they had been alone and she didn't seem impatient.

 

"What do you want me to do, James?" _How does she do that?_ She just cut the fuse with one word... _in that fucking bedroom voice_.

 

"I want you to talk to me, Lola. That's all."

 

"Really? Is that _all_ you'd like me to do?" Now she was moving in on him, nice and slow. She came to stop leaving 6 inches space between their chests. His back was to her bed, he couldn't put any distance between them that she wouldn't allow. _She's torturing me_ , he realized. She just stood there while his pulse jerked. She caught his eyes with hers... _the wrong eyes._ She held him there with her stare, reading him. Then she turned, just as slowly moving back to her desk. He released a breath he didn't know he was holding.

 

"What was that?"

 

Her eyes met his. "Just checking. You really do just want me to talk." _If you only knew, Lola._ Taking what he wanted from her carried a heavy toll.  _I'm still paying._ Then it hit him.  _And it's worth it. Fuck._

 

She took a breath, like she was regrouping, and went on. "Alright, Vega." _Goddamn, back to that._ "Here's the deal. I'm here now. I didn't plan that. I didn't want that. But here I am. I'm alive. Again. And I'm trying to make peace with that. It's a fight. Every second is a fight and I'm trying to tell myself that that's okay, because fighting is what I do." She paused, then walked over to her fish tank, pressing the feed button. They came to the surface and started eating the food she had released. A little smile crossed her face for a second, but it vanished as she turned to him. "But it's damned hard. And it doesn't get easier with someone constantly looking at me like I'm this broken thing that's too fragile for command and that should have stayed in the grave." Before he could say anything, she pressed on. "Don't deny it. Maybe it's true. Doesn't mean I need to see it."

 

He gaped at her. _Is that what she thinks?_ He shook his head. _Madre de Dios._ This was unbelievable. "Lola--"

 

She interrupted him, eyes shining like turquoise colored glass. "Don't call me that, James. I can't say when-- I guess it was when Thane died, but I stopped being, 'Lola', for you a long time ago." _Just admit it._ She wasn't on a constant ego trip, but it shouldn't have taken a dozen beers to make him see her as a woman. _Stop it. Don't go back there_.

 

 _Right. Right, that's why I can barely keep my hands off you. Makes perfect sense_. Could she possibly not know what she did to him? Still, she wasn't totally off and he had to acknowledge that. "You're right." A little bit of her seemed to fold when he said it, but she nodded. _She needed that, and I need this._ He went on. "The Lola I knew could dance. Next time you're in the shuttle bay, stop by."

 

 _Flirt._ He still had it. Some things never changed and something about it made her smile. "Alright, James. You're on."


	16. Chapter 16

She was pleasantly drunk and so was he. At least she was having fun. He got her to go up to the top of the Presidium for target practice. She was a damned good shooter... _she's better than ever_. He didn't like using a substance all the time to get her to loosen up, but the hybrid body just wasn't human. There was no way around that--it took a serious beating in combat, a little drinking wasn't a big deal. If Chakwas could give her drugs, he could get her toasted a few nights a week. _She's my friend...my best friend._ There wasn't much he could do for her, but whatever he could he did. _It's that simple._

 

Garrus had sat in on the talk between EDI and Kolyat. It was all pretty esoteric from his perspective, but he couldn't claim to know what came after death. _Shepard has me vastly outdistanced on that score._ From what he got, the problem wasn't that the Alliance missed some part of her, they had missed the so-called "passenger". They had brought her back faster than Cerberus, having all the data from the Lazarus project and EDI's knowledge of the EVA prototype. _They were hasty, no doubt about that_. The synthesis stream diffused and dispersed her. Obviously, collecting her genetic material wasn't difficult. Bringing her back to life was. They had jump-started the new prototype several times before it would take. _They just wouldn't take no for an answer_.

 

It hadn't taken too long to understand. She had escaped Huerta Memorial before anyone thought she'd be able to. _Shepard..._ he shook his head. Even under sedation she had made it out, past security. The Council gathered her team to go get her. _We were the only people qualified._ It was during that mission that he had come to be...suspicious of Lt. Vega. Over the course of the last few months, it had all come to make sense. _He's not a total waste of space_. Lt. Vega had sat in on the discussion about what was going on with Shepard. Vega didn't get why, but Garrus had an,"eyes wide open," policy. Even though the whole thing had made him uncomfortable, Vega hadn't walked out. _It counts...whether he knows it or not._

 

James Vega was training on board the Normandy. Garrus had taken her out again. It was good for her. She came back smiling. She hadn't come to dance, yet, but she would.

 

"Hey, James. Got a minute to tango?" He put down the weight. _It's 1:00 am_. She was drunk. _Probably wouldn't come down here otherwise_. Still, beggars couldn't be choosers. It wasn't always bad to spar drunk. Sometimes it gave someone flexibility they wouldn't have sober and something told him that Shepard had seen her fair share of drunken fist. Just as well for her to try out the new body with him where she was safe... _whoa, wrong way to think, James_.

 

"I've always got time for you, Commander," he strode over to her and took a stance. She didn't skip a beat, going in south paw. _Nice._ She beat him back a bit before he turned it back on her.

 

She didn't know what she was doing there. _I wouldn't have had the nerve without a little Dutch courage_. She still felt sick when she thought of him seeing her as less than a leader and more than a woman...as some kind of sexless, sinless paragon. That wasn't her--ever. They both wanted the same thing, as far as she could see it. They both wanted the awkwardness to go away. If she managed to do that, what difference would it make if she was drunk or sober? Besides, Vega could dance.

 

They sparred back and forth for about a half hour. They were both panting, but neither was giving up. _That body is unbeatable_ , he thought to himself. _You gotta stop thinking that way, James_. It was true, though. He couldn't get the jump on her. He'd been in training, too, though. She wasn't going to get the jump on him either. He beat her back once more. Then, he saw the blue flame flare up her body. Biotics.

 

She knew it wasn't fair, but neither of them were going to call it quits. _We're the same that way...never know when to give up_. She gave him a full biotic charge, falling on top of him at the far end of the shuttle bay. With the wind knocked out of him, it took him a second to get his breath back.

 

 _What are you doing, Lola?_ She had landed on top of him...and she was.... _laughing?_ His heart was already pounding, but he felt all the blood leave his brain. His arms were around her and she was laughing into his chest. Without thinking, his hands grabbed her arms, about to roll her under him. _Stop. Don't even think about it_. He froze where he was, caught up in indecision, but he had grabbed her arms and that had jarred her out of the fit of giggles that dropping him had brought on. Now she was looking at him, her breathing still labored from the dance. Under him or not, her mouth was dangerously close to his. And it felt good. He couldn't resist leaning in, just feeling her breath brush his face. _Good like last time, right?_ His internal dialog managed to do its job almost as well as a cold shower.

 

Gathering himself as best as he could, he used his hands to help her up. "No fair, Lola. That's no way to drop me in a spar."

 

One eyebrow arched. _There it is...that mischief_. The thought came faster than anything. _Goddamn, but I've missed you, Lola._ "Can you suggest another way for me to drop you, James?" She almost felt like herself in that moment. Joan Shepard was ruthless in war, ruthless at play..and the way he was looking at her now didn't hurt either.

 

 _Fuck. My. Life._ He tried to find a response, only to hear her laugh again. _I don't care whether she's laughing at me, as long as she's laughing._

 

"Good night, Lieutenant James Vega." She was already walking away when he managed to say,"Goodnight, Lola."


	17. Chapter 17

"What do you mean by, 'integration'?"

 

They had all gathered around the Comm-room table. _Well, not all..._ she thought, with a certain heaviness. Garrus, her strongest advocate, had left three days ago. _Too early to hold my hand through this conversation_. Kolyat and EDI had been trying to discover the root cause for her extended... _unrest._ She had answered every question to that end, before they had taken off on their own tangents and arguments. Between missions, they had spent extended hours together working out a hypothesis. The result was the "passenger" theory.

 

"Commander," EDI began, "the Alliance was pressed for time on the Lazarus II project. It was generally believed that the longer it took to complete, the more likely the chance of genetic or data corruption." _The more likely I was to come back a raving lunatic...well, they weren't far off there._ Joan Shepard was ruthless. It was the reason the Council chose her for the first human Spectre. Still, she had always been ruthless with reason. The kind of blind rage she had known since the reboot made her uncomfortable. She had the skills to back it, but it was no way to lead.

 

EDI continued. "There was an anomaly in our calculations that appeared so negligible that even I deemed it too insignificant to delay the project."

 

"What sort of anomaly?" This was getting interesting.

 

"It did not seem important at the time. It was a kind of genetic corruption, a difference so small I believed it would result in a superficial change; the color of your eyes or hair perhaps."

 

"Wait. It was a genetic anomaly? Are you saying that I am reaper tech?" _Alliance fucks, Alliance fucks, Alliance fucks!_

 

"Yes, Commander. You were both rebuilt and regrown."

 

"This is un-fucking believable," she muttered under her breath. "Go on, EDI."

 

"This was the culmination of synthesis. Synthetic technology no longer carried a stigma. Reaper technology, being the most advanced, was also most desirable." This was unbelievable, completely unbelievable, and she could no longer contain her agitation. She got up and started pacing the room. Lt. Vega had been standing the whole time, staring at the floor with his arms folded across with chest, leaning against the wall. _I guess this isn't exactly a picnic for anyone_. She put a hand on his arm as she passed him. _Steady, soldier._

 

"EDI, perhaps you would let me continue," Kolyat broke in. "Commander, from what you have told me, I believe the "passenger" strain came from my father." It was then that she stopped breathing completely. She stopped.

 

"Explain. Fast." She uttered the words quickly and in a tone so low, it rumbled.

 

"Commander, you must know that my father would never have chosen to burden you with drell memory. I believe this occurred by accident, through Tu fira. A piece of him traveled with you, the piece that was already lost to you. You are reliving his memory of you, not your memory of him. The difference is subtle, but palpable." He paused. "I am sorry, Commander."

 

 _Fuck._ James Vega had thrown his head back to butt against the wall. Everything about this made him sick. He could feel his gut tying itself in knots. He hated listening in on these conversations. He was a soldier. He didn't have anything to contribute, but Garrus had insisted he not miss one meeting. _He owns me now. Wait till he gets a load of this._ The Alliance, the memories, her screams, now reaper tech...it all made him sick. But that wasn't the worst part. _The worst part is that he's here. He's never dead and he's always here._  He remembered her screams and her unseeing eyes. _Fuck._

 

Suddenly Shepard sat down in one fluid motion, as if folding into the seat, staring at a point across the table. She was so tough most of the time, but every once in a while she made a gesture with her body that was completely feminine.  _Once she told me she wanted me to see her as a woman, now I can't see anything but._  She sat silent long enough to spread the silence around the room. He was sure he'd hear a pin drop. But when she spoke her voice was clear and strong. "EDI, tell me more about the Lazarus II project. Can it be repeated?"

 

He felt his entire being lurch. He had come a long way where Shepard was concerned. They had broken the ice and were starting to function on friendly terms, and he wasn't about to screw that up. She was off limits. But he was still a man. It would be flat out torture to watch her rebuild Thane.

 

"Yes, Commander."

 

"For any race?" He could see where she was going with this....he turned to face the wall, leaning on his hands, gathering his breath. "I am most familiar with the EVA prototype, human genetic codes and reaper technology. It would be difficult, but I believe I could make the adjustment." He waited for the request he was certain would follow.

 

"EDI, can you get me Mordin Solus?" He whirled back. "I need him." She gave a small smile in memory. "It has to be him. Someone else might get it wrong."

 

"I will begin the necessary research," EDI replied.

 

"Good. Head down to the MedBay, talk to Dr. Chakwas to see if there's some DNA stored in cryogenics. Also check the TechLab, see if he might have left anything behind. Dismissed." She turned to James Vega. "You're dismissed as well, Lieutenant."

 

"Commander--"

 

"I said, 'Dismissed.'" He tone was gentle, but firm. _At least she sounds calm_. He saluted, and following EDI, exited the Comm-room.


	18. Chapter 18

_And then there were two_. She turned back to Kolyat. "What did you mean by, 'integration'?"

 

He let out a breath. "This part of our theory is not as clear, Commander." He paused, thoughtfully. "I can only imagine how difficult this is, Commander. There is something you should know about my father."

 

He indicated to the chair next to him. _Deja vu_ , she thought to herself, but she took the seat he offered. Again, he pulled her one hand between his two.

 

"My father loved you. This you must know, he made no secret of it to anyone." He was pausing, taking time to carefully plan his phrases and to show consideration for her reactions. "During the time you were under house arrest pending investigation, when he tried unsuccessfully to reach you, it was his hope that you might have found a connection with someone else." _How could he even think that?_ She opened her mouth the speak, but Kolyat silenced her with a small nod. "He knew that his passing would grieve you either way, and he hoped in this way you might have support when the time came. When he met with Major Alenko at Huerta Memorial, it was even his hope that you might renew the relationship you had had with him for this reason."

 

 _Thane, Thane, Thane_...she shook her head slightly. She felt that same broiling rage firing up in her veins heating behind her eyes. The Alliance kept her from him, kept messages from passing between them. She never would have left him if she had had a choice.  _The things they stole...they **STOLE** from me._  His voice brought her back to the present.

 

"I know you loved him, Commander. He told me when you came to _him_ at Huerta Memorial. It wasn't what he wanted for you, but it meant everything to him and made him live. During your arrest, he spent a large amount of time, by drell standards, in memories of you. Those memories inspired him, sustained him and kept him alive. I have much to thank you for, Commander. I thank you for the extra time I had with my father. I wish you could have had a larger share in it." He regarded her seriously. _She can hardly breathe. This is crippling her_.

 

"I also know that my father would not have willed this. Just as he hoped you would change your mind about your relationship during your incarceration, so did he hope that you would live beyond his death in the fullest possible sense. This brings me to integration." She nodded to him to go on, but she was far beyond speaking. "If I am correct that this is a product of Tu fira, you are carrying a piece of him with you--the piece he lost to you. It is yours, Shepard. He gave it to you--not out of willing his own posession of you, but your posession of him. Accept it and integrate with it. If you can do this, the memories may one day serve you as they served him. Reject it and you will suffer."


	19. Chapter 19

He was surprised when she called him back to the Normandy. They had enjoyed his time on board, but he would have thought she'd be happy to get rid of him, not call him back five days after he left. She had called in Alenko, too, and that made it serious. Alenko's accusations on Horizon had broken her heart and Garrus didn't forgive easily. Neither did Shepard. She didn't turn down Alenko's help and she was affable, but she kept her distance. Now the whole crew, had been gathered together from their respective posts across the galaxy for an SR2 summit and the room buzzed with gossip and shared curiosity.

 

"Do you know why we're here, Garrus?" Liara queried.

 

"I think I'm better equipped to answer." He smiled. _Timing._ Shepard had always known how to make an entrance.

 

"EDI, go get Joker." _Interesting_ , he thought, _she's really pulling everyone_. When EDI returned with Joker, she began.

 

"EDI, how long will I live?"

 

"Commander, given your lifestyle, those odds are impossible to calculate."

 

"Okay, excluding an unnatural death--"

 

"Shepard, I don't like where this is going--" Major Alenko began.

 

"Bear with me Kaidan. EDI, answer the question." Garrus could see that Kaidan was not the only one in the room who wasn't comfortable with what the Commander was driving at. Vega was leaning against the wall with his arms folded. _That's to look tough...and  to keep himself still_.

 

"Because you are still partly organic, there exists a rate of decay. I would estimate your lifespan to be comparable with Ms. Lawson's."

 

"So another 120 years, approximately. How would I have to die, in order to prevent the Alliance from raising me again?" Lt. Vega pushed off from the wall and began to pace. He felt like he was going to explode. How could she talk like this?

 

"Before the Lazarus project, I would have said, through a space accident in which your body could not be recovered, perhaps an explosion--"

 

"But not now," Miranda quipped up.

 

"Ms. Lawson is correct. When you chose synthesis, your DNA was dispersed, merging with all synthetics. At this point, it may be harvested from any synthetic in the galaxy." _Oh, no._ Now, he could see where she was going. He turned to look at her. Her eyes were almost glowing with ice and hatred.

 

"So, I am to understand there is nothing to stop them from raising me again and again."

 

"Each time would include some margin of error as with this time. Your lifespan might decrease slightly with each subsequent procedure--" _The plot sickens..._ Garrus may have thought it first, but they were all thinking it"--causing you to be raised with increased frequency."

 

"And what happened to the data from the Lazarus II project?" Kaidan asked.

 

"The data is stored in different locations across the galaxy. The only complete copy is stored within me."

 

"And could they get it out of you somehow?" Kaidan followed up.

 

"It is protected by an arsenal of firewalls. I cannot be tortured. I can only be destroyed or infected by a virus. Should a virus be introduced, that information is protected by a self-destruct directive."

 

"What the shit?! EDI, no!" Joker had been listening the whole time, but this was clearly the first he was hearing this information.

 

"Relax, Joker. If she's the only complete copy, they can't risk destroying her. Destroying the other copies would actually protect her." Garrus interjected.

 

"Garrus is right, Joker. EDI, can you find the other copies?" Miranda asked.

 

"I believe so. I have already begun to decipher the encryptions. They are sophisticated and it will take time." Shepard took control of the room, once more. _It feels good to see her in control again_. Garrus sat back and folded his hands in his lap. He could hardly wait to see where this was going. Miranda was buckling in for the ride, too.

 

"I will not rest until every copy with the exception of EDI is destroyed. This brings us to the next item of business." He smiled. This was beginning to feel like fun.


	20. Chapter 20

He hadn't stopped loving her. He accepted that she had moved on with Thane. When she had had the choice, he wasn't it. There was a price for every action. She had meant everything to him and instead of trusting in that, he had let his head run off without him, concocting a theory that everything he knew of her was a lie. He had been wrong and paid the price. Then, he had been air lifted during the last fight with the reapers. It had been a suicide mission. He knew that. He had watched from the Normandy as her bloodied body limped forward to enter the Catalyst. He had borne his regret when she died for a second time. Now Kaidan bore his regret, not with ease, but maybe grace. And one thing it allowed him was a window into the regret of others. Lt. Vega wore it about as subtly as he wore his tattoos. His discomfort was palpable.

 

"I've decided to direct EDI to raise Mordin Solus to spearhead one division of my mission." She paused. "No man gets left behind. If I'm stuck here, so are you." There was something ominous about that and it sucked all the attention in the room directly to Shepard. _Good. That got their attention._ "An alternate platform will be generated for each of you. This will be done with or without your consent. The mission will not incur casualties. We've all lost enough. Once it is complete, if you have not fallen, it will remain your choice to do what you will with your double." There was dead silence in the room, then a buzz of discontent begain to build.

 

While the rest of the room was erupting in smaller arguments, Garrus sat silently smiling in the eye of the storm. _There's that ruthless streak._ He had begun to wonder if he'd ever see it again. Shepard was accomplished at weighing lives. She always knew what to sacrifice and what to protect and she did it without flinching. It was something that she did naturally and she had been his rock when those decisions became his.

 

"Commander," Lt. Vega spoke up, raising his voice in a military trained tone,"are you saying you'd subject us to the same treatment you got from the Alliance?" _Ooh, that's a challenge, Vega_. _And in the middle of a briefing, too_. The Lieutenant had a pair, he had to give him that. Garrus turned to see her reaction. Her face remained totally neutral as she stared him down.

 

"That's exactly what I'm saying, Lieutenant." _What's good for the goose_...she thought to herself. She was getting her freedom... _and defending basic individual autonomy for the rest of the galaxy._ No one was going to thank her for this. It might cost lives. It might cost all of their lives several times over, but Lazarus II was going to die. And she'd never get an edge on the Alliance if she wasn't willing to use the same methods they were. Vega could shoot fire out of his eyes as much as he wanted, she'd just throw water. She was cool until he looked away and resumed pacing. _That's not over,_ she'd be hearing it later, she was sure.

 

Raising her voice to silence the din and with deliberate stops she said, "Last order of business."

 

"My plan contains three projects. The third is as follows." She paused, partially to gather her thoughts and partially for dramatic effect. "The Alliance didn't raise me for my abilities." Kaidan's eyes snapped up, but she interrupted his protest by raising a hand. "They raised me as a symbol--the symbol of human accomplishment. It's a standard I shouldn't carry. All I've done is what no one else was ready to do. We will destroy the Lazarus II project, we will replicate ourselves if we have to to do it, but the final nail in this coffin is of a more personal nature." She had the entire room focused on her. "There's no point in destroying myself literally. When the main body of the project is complete I will begin the process of destroying my own myth. Call it, PR suicide. I will do whatever necessary to destroy my reputation. At that point, I will release most of you. Some of you, I will dismiss." She shot a glance at Vega. "This will be dirty, messy and unlawful. It will be a point of no return. That's it. Make yourselves comfortable on board, take time to think. Dismissed."


	21. Chapter 21

Garrus and Kaidan had three things in common--Shepard, Spectre status and knowing something had happened between Shepard and Vega. These commonalities blended oddly in the rec room, where they sat with the rest of the old crowd. The pair of them were at the card table, giving Vega a well-deserved bath. He'd been losing all night, while they fleeced him over their respective poisons of choice. He was distracted and they took advantage without mercy. You got more out of a person by sharing a game than you would from even the most deviant forms of torture. Both Spectres knew that and both exploited it.

 

James was trying to process the briefing. The entire tone of it had shocked him almost as much as the content. On one hand, for the first time he realized the implications of the Alliance plan for raising her. It could go on as long as they wanted it to, and that was unacceptable. _She's not trying to die. She's trying to escape...slavery. That's what it is--and it could happen to any of us who proves themselves to be too valuable_. On the other hand... _she's ready to raise any of us to get it don_ e. He didn't know whether to be horrified or proud. Garrus seemed proud and Kaidan seemed to accept it. They were from the first Normandy...maybe the lead to follow was theirs.

 

Then there was the part that kept nagging him at the back of his mind. She hadn't mentioned raising anyone but Mordin, and both Liara and Miranda agreed that it was a good idea. Mordin's psych profile made him an ideal candidate, likely to transition easily once handed a job. There were plenty of others, Ashley included...and Thane. _That's what's freaking you out, James_. "I'm all out," he said, transfering credits. "You guys are a couple of sharks."

 

"Hear that Alenko? He expected us to be old, soft and complacent." They all laughed, but that wasn't what James thought at all. Far from it. _I've just been gambling with two of the most dangerous men in the galaxy_. That was true.

 

His head was still spinning with information as he headed for the elevator to take it down to the shuttle bay. He started to walk to his quarters, then stopped the instant he saw her.

 

Shepard was using the fitness equipment he kept. She was entitled. It was there for anyone, even if he was the one who used it the most. She must have been there a while. He knew from their dance that the new body didn't tire or show exertion easily. Now she showed a fine sheen of perspiration as she continued to do pull-ups on the bar. She completed her reps and dropped down. "Lieutenant," she said it as a greeting, grabbing her towel to blot her face.

 

"Commander," he returned. "What brings you down here? Ready to dance again so soon?" Things like this were the most dangerous part of the job as he knew it.

 

"Now, I think we both know I was born ready, James," she said, smiling. She held him there, while he tried to come up with a response. She laughed softly. _Still a disher and not a taker.._. "You're off the hook this time. It usually takes some work to cool down after giving a briefing, I'm just trying to work off the tension a little...helps with the sleep." He didn't miss the implication.

 

"Well, if I can help--" he stopped himself. _What the fuck are you thinking?_ She was looking at him with that look...the one that said she was getting ready to play with him like a cat with a mouse. Too much was going on. He was not ready to be alone with her. His mind was stuck on the sight of the back of her doing her pull-ups...he wouldn't be forgetting that anymore than he'd forget the night at Purgatory. She laughed, again. "Too easy," she said. "Good night, James."Still chuckling, she walked to the elevator and disappeared. This was getting worse.

 

He beelined for the showers, putting himself straight under the glacial cold of the streaming water. _It'll get worse before it gets better._ Seeing her hanging there, it had taken everything for him not to walk over, grab her buttocks and press her through the rest of her reps before sinking his teeth into one cheek or the other. Then he would have lifted her from the bar and tossed her onto the table... _Goddamn_ _, Lola_. Cold water wasn't doing much against the images he had flowing through his mind. He was at full mast and practically jumping with every stray thought. _And she thinks she has something to work off._ He gripped his cock and let the fantasy go its own way. There wasn't a place his mouth and tongue weren't going. Once he really had her on the ropes, he'd push in, slower than she wanted... _like I did that night_. He was thick, he knew that. His cock was built like the rest of him, but like the rest of him, he knew how to use it. He let himself remember, and it worked like it always had. He came.

 

He wrang himself out and finished showering. He was just wrapping the towel around his waist when the thought that bothered him most reared its ugly head. _What if she rebuilds Thane?_


	22. Chapter 22

She was showered and dressed in the gear she slept in. She had never been into pyjamas, let alone lingerie. She wore the shorts and tank or she wore nothing at all. Now that she was back on the Normandy, she kept to the shorts and tank. Sitting in bed, she had turned off all the lights except the bedside lamp. She was finally getting sleepy reading one of the books she had bought on Omega. _What a fucking day_ , she thought to herself. Briefings stressed her out since she'd been brought back. At least she finally felt like she knew what she was doing. _It feels good to stop chasing my tail._ Reaching for the lamp she put out the only light left. Within five breath cycles, she was asleep.

 

_Siha..._

 

It was different this time. Everything was just as vivid. She still felt every caress, heard every sound and breathed every breath. She was still in it, but it was different. _At least I know what's going on...and I've got to accept it_. She tried. She didn't really know what, "accepting", it meant. She knew what,"you will suffer", meant though. _Just let it take its course, don't fight it. Don't try to forget it because it's too good to be over._ It was hers. She'd have to learn to draw strength in it. She could feel him pulling her to him now. _Thane._ She could feel him inside her.

 

 _"Siha...I love you...I love you....I love you,_ " she heard his voice and felt his breath with every thrust. She was not going to fight, she was not going fight. _You're not doing yourself any favors. This is the man you loved. Just let yourself remember him._  Remembering through his eyes was hard. That night they had spent together had felt so good for her, but now she was feeling what he remembered and it was no less beautiful. All it did was prove how reciprocal the connection between them was. That hurt--it hurt so much--but she held on, biting her lip bloody until the memory faded out through the kisses they had shared in the aftermath of the climax they had shared... _I will not scream. I will not scream._

 

The shuttle bay was quiet and pitch black. The new shuttle pilot, Javi had a bunk on the crew deck, so he had the place to himself, now. He'd spent time working out, trying to think out the new mission and what he was supposed to do about it. It was crazy and he knew it was his duty to report it. Of course, it was also crazy, which made him really want to do it. _Sleep on it, James_. _Everything looks clearer in the morning._ He was on the edge of sleep when he heard the elevator door.

 

 _Who the fuck would come down here at this hour?_ He turned over to face the direction of the door, trying to seem like he was turning in his sleep. _Whoever that is...they're fucking quiet._ His ears were completely pricked at this point trying to hear a single step... _Lola_. She stepped close enough that he just made out her silhouette. She was feeling her way around the table, coming closer to his bunk. What was she doing there? She kept getting closer. _Why doesn't she say something? Why doesn't she try to wake me up?_ She had found the edge of his bed and was crawling in with him...

 

 _Fuck! Think fast, Vega!_ He was not ready to be alone with her, he knew from before. He wasn't a saint, he was just a man. If she pushed him now, he'd do it. _I'd do it. I'd do it in a heartbeat and fuck everything up...no, it's not that_. He couldn't repeat what had happened at the housewarming party. He couldn't be the guy who just got her through the night while she continued to belong to someone else. She was in the bed. He couldn't pretend not to notice her anymore. When he broke away from his thoughts it was because she was trying to get his arms open. It was slow and gentle, like she was trying not to wake him up. "Lola, what are you--"his voice had made her look at him. Tears were spilling out of the eyes he was still getting used to. "Don't say anything," she whispered. Dumbfounded, he opened his arms, watching her cover her face with both hands before pressing it to his chest. Closing them around her he gathered her as close to him as he could. She was muffled this way, but she managed to say just loud enough for him to hear, "I didn't scream."


	23. Chapter 23

_"I've got a few free moments. Do you want to spend a little time together?" The room was bathed in light. Her gray blue eyes glinted with mischief as she said it, the combination jerking his pulse to attention._

 

_He had hoped to see her again, for closure if nothing else and he had thought he had prepared himself for anything, but when she kissed him...Siha. "I'd like that." Some offers were too good to be true and too good to be missed. Months had passed. He had spoken to Major Alenko who had been waiting and hoping, but she was here for him. And I am hers. Whatever I still am is hers. Nevertheless, he had to warn her," You should know that my cardio-vascular system is not what it was--"_

 

_Her lips interrupted him and the the thought went out like a flicker in the wind. He returned her kiss, throwing himself into it, clasping her to him wildly. "You were saying?" The breathlessness in her voice sealed his course. I was saying, "I've missed you, Shepard." He kissed her again soundly. Then, looking right and left, he pulled her hand through his arm, striding purposefully down the hall. There was a lot of glass at Huerta Memorial, but he never missed a blindspot. He pulled her into the supply closet at the north west corner, securing it behind them. Now he could let time stretch as much as it could. He knew it wouldn't stretch much...not this time._

 

_As soon as he turned back to her, they stripped each other frantically, hands raking more than caressing. Her skin was soft and velvety where his was sleek and smooth. He struggled for contact to revel in the sensation of skin against skin. I don't want this to be the last time, Siha...it would be fast. They were starving from the time apart--there was no way to slow down. There are still so many ways I want to love her. He felt a now familiar lightheadedness that was more than just the intoxication of being with her like this. Finding a row of cabinets and clearing it with one sweep, he pulled her on top of him. How I would like nothing more than to wipe the entire room with her...but he couldn't risk blacking out on her. He wouldn't have her remember him, or this, that way._

 

_A little sound escaped her as he entered...it sounds like someone being stabbed, I should know. It was a sound he echoed as he hilted himself in her. Entering her was the only thing he had never been able to control. He had always had to be as close as possible as quickly as possible. As tightly as she fit him, it seemed to be an unspoken consensus between them. She started to move in a way that pulled him closer with every stroke. "I love you, Shepard." He hated using words for things he longed to demonstrate, but he knew that no finesse would be possible. His hands had seized her at her shoulders, pulling her down as he drove up against her and his eyes never left hers. That there was still love and passion between them was obvious, even through the desperation and need that was saturating their coupling. Theirs was a scorched earth policy...to iradicate the distance, loneliness and regret from their time apart. They shared breath, they shared flesh and they shared the climax. It had been like that from the beginning and it would be like that till the end...His head was spinning and his fingertips tingling as he held her to him. Siha..._

 

She hated crying and besides hating it, she had given it up during her childhood on the streets. Fending for yourself at a young age gave you plenty to cry about, but survival gave you much more to worry about than just the stuff that could make you cry. There was eating, sleeping, hiding...the list went on and on. So...she hated it. But this was worse than anything she could have imagined then. This memory had recently entered the repertoire which seemed to be evolving with time. Each time a new memory surfaced, it would renew the shock and renew the pain. The strange thing about it was that every time a memory surfaced with a logic. Neither of them had known that would be the last time, and even if they had it wouldn't have mattered. They had lived the love they had and it humbled her to witness it again through him, to feel his love for her. But it was more than that. Reliving the conversation they had had that day at Huerta had solidified her position. Thane was at peace with his life and his death. He had said it all. He wanted a rest from all the fighting and battle. No matter how much she missed him, she knew the truth. She respected the order of events. _He's gone and he made peace with everything long before he died._ She would love him forever and loving him meant letting him go.


	24. Chapter 24

Sometimes he had to admit, Shepard knew what she was doing. Between EDI, Miranda and Liara, they had managed to raise Mordin whose intitial response had been to blink and say," Curious." He had come up to full function quickly and begun work on the Doppelganger project, so termed by Jack who raised hell when Shepard declared Falere exempt. As an Ardat Yakshi already hundreds of years into a life sentence of supervision and captivity, Shepard had agreed that if she fell she wouldn't be raised. The "doppelganger" bodies had longer projected lifespans than the species on which they were based. In the case of an Asari, it would have been cruel. Samara had been contacted by vid-com and agreed to take her daughter's place in the worst case.

 

Kaidan agreed with Shepard more often than he liked to admit, and even if he disagreed, he tended to go along. It may have been part of his resentment towards her when she joined Cerberus. _The Alliance had hung her out to dry, she said. They didn't hang her out to dry this time._ He had been career Alliance, like Ashley, James and Shepard. He didn't disagree that the Alliance had gone too far, but he was a soldier and habits died hard. _Which habit dies harder? Loyalty to high command or loyalty to Shepard?_ He knew he wasn't the only one asking himself the question. Lt. Vega was in a tight spot. Soon, he'd have to leave to avoid court martial or commit to going rogue. He knew his time to decide was running out and it was drawing him tighter by the day.

 

Just then, Garrus walked into the mess hall, tapped Vega's shoulder and started walking to the battery. Vega stood up and followed without a word. _So, Garrus has something on you, Vega...which means he's been holding out on me,_ he thought as he watched the door close behind them. Jealousy was a bitter pill and being around Shepard and working together like the old days meant taking the pill at all hours of the day.

 

Garrus had been observing Vega as well. The tension he was showing didn't bode well. He would have to get him to loosen up. "Alright, Vega. Spill it."

 

Direct and to the point... _the Turian big brother_. "It's nothing, Garrus. I can handle it." He tried to sound sure and slightly disinterested. _Act like it's no big deal_. There was a lot of stuff going through his head right now that he didn't feel like sharing.

 

"The hell you can. There's something eating you and if I had to make a guess, I'd say it has to do with the "Doppelganger" project. Am I right?" _Fuck. How could he just see things like that?_

 

 _Maybe you should practice your poker face before you play with the big boys, James,_ Garrus thought to himself. He probably had the sharpest eyes on the Normandy. He could tell that Shepard and Vega were slowly drifting closer. He could also see Vega's agitation rising in response. _I have to know if that's fight or flight. Time to take a stab in the dark._ "Look, Vega, I need to know what you plan to do. You're going to have to go big or go home real soon and I don't care which. I just need to know."

 

 _He's thinking he'll be the one left picking up the broken pieces...only I don't think the Commander is breaking for me_. The Lieutenant raked one hand over his head. Meanwhile, he felt like he was breaking for her. He really, really wanted to do it--to stay and see it through. But he couldn't ignore the fact that it would cost him the career he had been fighting for, tooth and nail, from the beginning. His uncle had been career military and the honor of entering the service really meant something to him. And then there was Shepard. It didn't do any good to pretend that he could walk away from her easily. _But if she raises Thane, there won't be a choice. I'll have to go, 'cause I won't be able to watch._

 

The night she had come to him to hold her was weighing on him. He had been conscious of her presence for hours, shifting with her when she moved, but at some point he must have gotten comfortable with her. When he woke up, she was gone. He wondered if that had been for his benefit or for hers. He had learned something from it. Not only could he not be the guy to get her through the night with sex--he could not be the guy holding her when she cried until she managed to somehow get her boyfriend back. She hadn't been back, but no night since had he gone to bed with ease. He worried about an encore and what it might bring out in him. He interrupted his own thoughts when he realized Garrus's eyes were still on him.

 

"Is she going to raise Thane?" _Interesting_. Garrus had not really suspected that that was the boogey man in Vega's closet, but it made sense. "No."

 

"No? Just like that? Not a chance? Come on, Garrus...she loved him--it has to have crossed her mind..."

 

"I doubt it has," Garrus responded. Lt. Vega was a soldier. He followed orders, he didn't make them. _And Shepard's a leader, a consummate leader._ "We've got a long list of fallen comrades, but doing what she's doing? It's a slippery slope. You raise one, then another, then another...this one had a family, this one had a wife, this one was an only child...it never ends." He paused. Shepard played numbers, but she didn't play God. Vega didn't seem to be buying it, but it was true. "Shepard's a soldier, Vega. In war, people die. Why did Ashley--a great girl with a big tight knit family die while Shepard--an orphan street kid from Earth--lived? It seems random and senseless, but war is shit."

 

"You know it's not as simple as that. This is Thane, I'm talking about." _Thane--the spiritual man of mystery, the infallible assassin, the elegant hero...the lover..._ he was cutting himself right to the quick. He went on, "He died because he was protecting her--"

 

"He died because he was in the closing stages of Kepral's syndrome. He could've had another month, another week or another hour--and which was anybody's guess. He may have been protecting her, but he went out on his terms, with her next to him and with a smile on his face, if I'm any judge." _Really?_ Why wouldn't he put this to bed?

 

"Fine. And now he could have a new hybrid shell and live out one and a half lifetimes with her."

 

"Listen. She is not going to do it." He took a breath. "I've been talking to EDI about the Lazarus II project. Mordin is a great candidate. With his work ethic, temperment and curiosity, getting him to fuse and recover himself is as easy as giving him an important job. Psychological profiling is important. Shepard had the worst psych profile possible for the project, but she was the symbol, so they raised her anyway. You saw the result of that." He paused as he watched Vega's face darken. "Thane's profile...she's not going to do it. That's all there is to it. But if this effects your decision making process, you can't take my word for it. Ask Shepard."


	25. Chapter 25

She plotted the next relay on the galaxy map then turned for the elevator. _Commander Shepard needs sleeeeep,_ she thought as she pressed the button for her quarters. The last couple of nights had been difficult. She was being hit with more memories more frequently, but she was trying to learn to live with it. She had learned not to fight and so not to scream. She was still trying to find the key... _there must be a key_...to finding some kind of joy in it rather than despair. She hadn't gone down to see James since that night. She didn't really know why she had done it then. _Yes, you do. You remember how it felt to be in his arms and you got out before you could catch him feeling sorry for you_. Small crimes.

 

When she got in, she fed her fish, read her incoming messages, then jumped in the shower. She planned to nap, so she made it a long hot one. Walking out of her bathroom, wrapped in a towel she nearly bumped into James, who had entered her cabin like the devil was behind him. When he saw her state of dress, his eyes flashed and raked before he managed to avert them. "I'm uhh...sorry, Commander." _Damn, Lola. Mission abort. Get out of there, James_. " I'll come back later." He turned to go.

 

"Hang on, Lieutenant. You came in here with something to say. Just wait while I get dressed." She didn't wait for an answer, grabbing a fresh uniform and returning to the bathroom to dress. In three minutes, she was back, clothed and still toweling her hair. "Alright, James. Where's the fire?" He should have gone while she was getting dressed. _When the Commander says wait, you wait_. He felt caged. The commanding officer's apartment was luxury on board, but it was still a ship. He filled a lot of space to begin with, but he began pacing like a cornered animal. He had come here to say something, he had come to lay it on the line, find out what he needed to know to make his decision. _Didn't expect to find her naked in a towel, though_. A string of thoughts, all off topic and none of them decent, had wound their way around his brain. It had thrown him off completely. Now he struggled to refocus.

 

"James?..."he hardly heard her. "James? James!" He stopped and looked at her. She raised her voice to get his attention. She had never seen him act like this and she hoped he wasn't going to call her out for the other night. It was the last time she had slept for longer than an hour at a time, though, and her patience was thin. "What's the problem?" She couldn't help asking with her eyebrows raised.

 

"Are you going to raise Thane?" He blurted it out. _Great job, James. Way to stay cool._

 

"What?!" He knew he was entering dangerous territory by the look on her face, but it didn't seem to slow him down. If anything, it sped him up. He caught her by the shoulders, staring hard into her eyes like he was searching around in her head behind them.

 

"Are you going to raise him?!" he demanded with more force than before. She didn't answer, her face frozen in shock. His blood was scalding his veins. "Tell me!"

 

"Are you insane?!" Both the question and thunder of her timbre startled him. Blinking, he instantly released her. She was right. He had just shouted at her. He was acting crazy--flat out, loco. He turned his back to her, moving towards the bed trying to catch his breath. _What are you thinking?_ Just then he felt her hand come to rest lightly on his shoulder.

 

In a lower voice, she asked, "Is there some problem you need to talk to me about?" He was under serious stress. She knew he was coming up on a decision--either to stay with her on the Normandy or salvage his career and return to the Alliance. She didn't want him to go, but he had a promising future and that wasn't something that was on the table at the end of this mission. He took a deep breath, turning his head to look at her hand. For a moment, he just covered it with his own. _He's worried about me when he should worry about himself. It's his life and he still has one._ "You don't have to take care of me all the time, James. I know I'm damaged goods to you, but just say what's on your mind. I can take it." She said it as gently as she could, but it wasn't gentle enough.

 

In a nano-second he had spun her around into his arms so her back was to her bed covering her mouth with his. He kissed deeply and hungrily, so much so, that she was bent back from the waist. One arm held her flush to his chest, the free hand tangling in her wet hair, guiding her under his mouth. It was a fevered devouring that he wasn't in control of...and she was kissing him back. He took it and didn't ask questions. He ran it to the very edge of what he could come back from. Then he broke the kiss, lips still touching as they panted through open mouths. "This," he said with emphasis, "is the problem." He held her like that, open mouths singeing each other as they fought to catch their breath. He went on, scorching her with his words. "You think I see you as damaged goods..." he ground his tool against her abdomen"...but this is how I see you and I can't stop." He kissed her again, more gently than before but with the same depth and hunger. "So I can't keep doing it, Lola. I can't keep pulling you through if you're saving yourself for him." _Fuck, James--what did you just do?_

 

He had left her absolutely speechless. He was waiting for an answer, but she had nothing. She was totally aroused, moisture gluing her underwear to her sex, and the thick, hot iron organ pushing against her abdomen said that he was too. _You have to say something._ His arms were releasing her, the heat of his body leaving her chilled. He was striding quickly toward the door. "Wait." He stopped but he didn't turn around. _Find something to say!_ He had totally blind-sided her. She wanted to say a lot of things, but the situation was calling for just one--something simple, but this wasn't simple. She was taking too long. He hit the door key and left. Suddenly weak, she sank down to the edge of the bed.


	26. Chapter 26

The door had been closed for seconds when it reopened, this time to Garrus. He looked at her where she sat and crossed to sit on the bench that curved around a table. "That bad?" He had rammed into Lt. Vega coming out of her place like the Reaper fleet was on his tail, but when he got in the room, he just saw a woman...a very shaken woman.

 

"No. Yes? No...no. He just really blind-sided me. I did not see that coming." She rubbed her forehead with one hand. Garrus looked at her for a moment, then guffawed with laughter. "What is so funny?" That only made it worse. He was laughing hysterically now and struggling to get enough breath to speak. She grabbed a pillow and threw it at him as hard as she could, which only brought him closer to tears. "Stop..."he wheezed, "stop, it hurts...". Then he slowly started to get it under control. She tried again. "Ready now, are we?"

 

"Shepard, you slept with him! You slept with him and you can't see the signs?" He looked at her face and felt a little bad. _She really has no idea._ If it was anyone else, it would have been pretentious, but Joan didn't keep any pretense about her. She had been through a lot, he knew that. Sobered, he quickly brought himself back to being serious. "I'm sorry, Shepard." She nodded. "What did he say?"

 

"He...he said a lot of things. He was raving about whether I was going to raise Thane." _I said, 'Talk to Shepard', not, 'Rave at Shepard.'_ Garrus sat waiting for her to go on. His silence did not go unnoticed.

 

"I take it you knew...Garrus..." He shifted in his seat. It was no good denying it, she had read him.

 

"I knew he had....concerns about the Doppelganger project," he evaded. "Go on." Her eyes narrowed.

 

"No, I want to know how you knew and why you didn't warn me." _She's got me_.

 

"I knew because I dragged it out of him, something you could've done if you were just paying attention. I didn't tell you because I didn't have time. He got to you first." Vega was too literal. Garrus had encouraged him to talk to her, not to bolt out of the mess hall and march straight up to her quarters like all their lives depended on it. "Just tell me what happened."

 

"And then he--" she halted.  _  
_

"He what?" he pressed. Too long a pause and she'd just shut down.

 

She sighed, as if admitting something she'd rather not admit. "Then, he kissed me." _Well, Lt. Vega, I take it back--you don't have a pair. You have a quad._ He didn't know whether to be amused or impressed, so he chose both and stored them. He glanced at her. By the way she looked and the way she spoke he could tell that she hadn't been impervious to the Lieutenant's charm.

 

"Shepard, I'm not going to beat around the bush. It's been obvious that he has feelings for you for a while. He doesn't want to return to the Alliance, he's ready to go rogue for you..."he paused. "And the only thing that concerns him is that in spite of what he wants from you, in spite of what he's willing to do for you, you might..."

 

"But Garrus, it's not even an option. It never was. You saw how I fought at Huerta Memorial." _I did, and so did he_. He didn't think she needed to know that now, however. She was bound to find out sooner or later. He pushed the thought aside.

 

"Imagine Thane. He's at peace now, as I was. He would fight...he would fight and that would be more than I can bear. I'm grateful for the time I had with him. I will love him forever and he will wait for me across the sea. Besides, as much as I like the moral...flexibility of life as a Spectre, this isn't a playground. I'm still the Commander of the Normandy. I'm their leader and for me to keep their trust, I have to do what's best for everyone. " Her voice was strained and he saw her swallow. He knew the truth when he heard it. _Unfortunately, I don't think it's a truth that will set Vega free_. He tried to redirect her.

 

"It's been almost four years now, Shepard. I know there's never a timeline for moving on, but...you didn't sleep with him without a reason...right?" He used a gentle tone. Her expression told him the point was taken.

 

 _That's true. I don't like it, but it's true_. Thane was with her. She had woken him from a battle sleep and he had been grateful. Was that what James was doing for her now? Garrus's voice interrupted the thought.

 

"Do you want him to stay? Now is the time, Shepard. He's just waiting for an order."


	27. Chapter 27

_He was sitting in Huerta Memorial. He had known he was dying for some time, well before taking out the Collector base. He had been at peace, in some ways just looking to die well. For an instant that had all seemed within his grasp as he renewed his relationship with Kolyat. Since Shepard had come into his life, he had tasted both a closure and an opening; a brief respite, then turmoil. It seemed he was only awakened to die, though he would die with little in the way of regrets. These closing days were the hardest. I cannot love her anymore without spoiling her memory of us and I hunger to do so more than ever._

 

_He heard her steps before he heard her greeting. He wanted to tell her not to come, but he could not. As much as he hated the idea of her watching him deteriorate, he was too happy to see her, to speak with her. She would ask how he was, lace her fingers with his...even that small contact quickened his heart in his chest. He avoided privacy during her visits and did not even dare kiss her. It was too easy to want more. His mind flashed to the storage room at the far end of the visitors' lounge. "I've missed you, Shepard." If I start, I may not stop....Siha. His hour was approaching and he could not bear the idea her witnessing him as he circled the drain. But I cannot send her away._

 

_Her eyes searched for his. "Are you in a lot of pain?" The greatest pain is the one I can do nothing about, Siha. The truth was hard and he did his best to downplay it. One wrong word would put her off track, chasing down blood for transfusions--his angel would fight for him. She would face down a galaxy...but his fight was done. A good day meant knowing how quickly his condition was draining him of what he had been. A bad day was excrutiating. On those days, he allowed himself to fall into Solipsism. He remembered the night before they stormed the Collectors, the handful of nights he had to spend with her before he left the Normandy...and he remembered the last time. After she left, he sat writing his last message. It had to be perfect. It had to say everything. And it had to be ready._

 

All the memories effected her the same way. The window into his feelings for her was humbling and as she learned to cope, it was slowly becoming reassuring. She had felt a small sense of rejection when she first offered to find a room and Thane had turned her down. He was always so calm in her presence, really content with her presence, and in some way she had come to wonder if only she suffered from the distancing they were undergoing. Now she knew she wasn't alone. She was never alone. They were one and indivisible, even now. How James fit into it all, she didn't know. _But he is important...I don't think I can do it without him. Shit._ Thane's memory had come while she was waiting to go down to the shuttle bay. _Can't be too early, can't be too late._ She had to wait for Javi to leave for the night.

 

Garrus had bailed her out as always. Whenever her emotional burden became overwhelming he would remind her of who she was. She was Commander Joan Shepard of the Normandy...she was a commander and commanders made the plans and gave the orders. She just kept trying to keep that in sight in the elevator. When she reached the shuttle bay, she wavered. Lt. Vega appeared to be making a decision. Two Alliance issue duffles were in two different states of packing. His bed was made. He was in the midst of stacking the weights neatly. _It's now or never_ , she thought.

 

"What do you think you're doing, Lieutenant?" she asked, trying to keep her voice light while committing to her role.

 

"Just leaving everything up to code for the next guy, Commander," came the terse reply. It was enough to give her pause. Still, she had come down here for something and she was getting it.

 

"I don't recall dismissing you. So which court martial would you like to face? Desertion or Insubordination of a Superior officer?" He stopped what he was doing and turned around. _Wow. He looks really angry_. He was breathing long and deep through his nose, each breath stretching his rib cage, like a bull about to charge. 

 

"I don't recall being given any orders, Commander." _And he's not making it easy_. 

 

She took a deep breath, straightening her spine and steeling her tone. "I'm ordering you to remain on this vessel until otherwise directed." She heard her voice bounce back in the caverous space. It didn't waver. She couldn't tell if it sounded confident or not. _Stay...just stay._

 

_Goddamn_. This afternoon had been heavy. He had sprung a lot on her and made a lot of demands...he was embarrassed by it in a big way. _Way to take her breath away...you put her straight into shock_. She hadn't deliberately shut him out, but this thing she was doing didn't change anything. He wanted her, there couldn't be any going back on that now. He also knew that what he had done was like opening a can of worms. It was simpler to go back to the Alliance. "You never answered my question, Shepard." He moved one step away from the formality, two steps lower with his voice and three steps further away from where she stood. He prayed it would be enough. Having her touch him had been all it took for him to totally lose his head in her quarters.

 

Her voice lost all military bravado, softening to an intimate timbre. All the metal in it was gone. "The answer is 'no'. The answer was always 'no'." He watched her raise one hand to her temple in a gesture so delicate... _she's doing it again...cutting one fuse and lighting another_. He wanted to go to her, the urge was almost overwhelming. Touching her now would be a mistake and there was nothing he would rather do. He got himself in order, feeling his head clear for the first time in days. Looking at her, he suddenly realized what answering him must have cost her. Nothing was ever just words, and that word meant a lot. _Don't push her anymore. It's been enough for one day._ "Okay."

 

She looked at him questioningly. "Okay?"

 

He met her eyes and nodded as he said it. "Okay." They both took a deep breath and let it out like they had been holding it. They said good night and he watched her go with a wry smile on his face. _Looks as good going as she does coming_. For once, he didn't have to tell himself not to think of her that way. As bad as he had felt about the afternoon, it had done some good. They were still dancing, but it wasn't on tip-toes anymore. _I'm with you, Lola_. He knew if he slept on it, he would have known when he opened his eyes that he couldn't just walk away...and now he knew that she didn't want him to.


	28. Chapter 28

The dynamic was changing. Something had relaxed between them. He knew the signs, he had lived them himself. In place of the fire and ice tension of the first briefing, they spoke now with ease, even in instances of disagreement during meetings. Shepard had slowly resumed socializing on the crew deck and in the rec room there was a general feeling of good humor; Garrus helped with that to be sure, but Shepard had returned to the razor wit edge of her own dark sense of irony. Lt. Vega laughed at her jokes and called her, "Lola", when it seemed no one was paying attention.

 

No matter how bad a hand he was dealt at cards, Kaidan was always paying attention, especially when it came to Shepard. In a lot of ways, they came from different worlds. Shepard's leadership was calculating and harsh--she took no prisoners and she didn't give a damn what anyone thought. _Not even me...not even when it counted_. He replayed their conversation on Horizon, re-read the extranet message he sent her afterward...it was obvious in hindsight. When she rejoined the Alliance, she never apologized. Even when they joined forces to fight the Reapers, Shepard had never apologized for her time with Cerberus. She had made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she was done explaining herself to him. And when she gave herself up to the synthesis stream, it had just been one more characteristic act. _She chose the permanent solution...and to hell with whoever she left behind._

 

The night they had spent together was never too far from his thoughts. There hadn't been anyone serious since and he knew why. He knew he had been in love with her and he believed she had been in love with him. Looking back on it, he knew that it was clear that she had been, but his actions on Horizon and the message he sent after had been more damning than he had been able to estimate at the time. She had been dead. She came back from the dead, and instead of thanking whatever lay beyond the void, he accused her. _It's no wonder she fell for Thane. He would never judge her. I judged her_. Now he had the privilege of watching Lt. James Vega angle for a spot. He looked over at her, the glint of mischief in her smile as she responded to something.... _I'm still in love with Shepard. Guess I always will be._

 

Shepard and Vega started out of the rec room together. Kaidan's face darkened. _One day, one day soon..._ the door closed behind them. Garrus joined him on his left, interrupting his thoughts. "It was a damn fool thing you did all those years ago."

 

 _You got that right_. "It sure was." He could hardly contain his bitterness. "How long did it take her to move on? A month? A week? A day?" His jaw clenched and unclenched. "She's died twice now and I still...."he trailed off. The sentence had stretched wide in a direction he hadn't intended.

 

Garrus regarded him seriously. "That's not fair and you know it."

 

"Do I?" he returned, more bitterly than before.

 

"Yes. You do." Shepard had had real feelings for Alenko. He was the first person she asked about when they spoke with Anderson in his office on the Citadel. Anderson had stonewalled her, she couldn't get information on him, and it wasn't as if Kaidan tried to contact her when rumors started circulating. _He believed the worst about her._  "If you want a timeline of events, it was months after that that she met Thane, and more months followed before she fell in love with him. When they fell for each other, it came from a mutual understanding. They were well matched, well suited. It was clear to everyone around them. Obviously hitting the Collector base accelerated the process."

 

"What--and not the Keprals?" Shepard liked long odds. He hated hearing about her with other men. He really hated it. But this was interesting to him. He had always wondered if it was just the suicidal odds of their mission that had brought them together. And he had always wondered how Shepard had involved herself, devoted herself to Thane.  _Because when the time came, she didn't choose me. He was dying in a hospital and she stood by him._ She had come to see him as a sister in arms. She came to Thane as a woman.

 

"I don't think Thane's condition entered into it much. He hadn't seen the worst of it yet. He still performed impeccably as an assassin--no collateral damage ever. Damned impressive, if you ask me, which you didn't. Attacking the Collector base carried an immediate threat of mortality, for both of them. I think he was more afraid of survival in the event that she die." Garrus stopped, considering. Alenko still loved her after all this time. Shepard was fond of him, but she had been gunned down by his reception on Horizon and buried by his message about seeing other people. The Alliance had left her for dead that time and Kaidan had sided with the Alliance.  _And now it looks like she might move on again...I'll have to keep an eye on this_. Kaidan sat silent, staring at his whisky.

 

No sooner had the elevator door closed behind them than James had grabbed her and started kissing her. It seemed to be something he enjoyed lately; snagging her in an alcove or dragging her away from the weights behind the shuttle. They weren't sleeping together, but he had made his intentions clear. _Crystal,_ she thought, smiling against his lips. As time went on, she realized that she was clear about it too. She just needed time, and he seemed to be giving her all the space in the world. She returned the kiss, melting instantly in the heat of the embrace. She had always run cold and it was even worse now. Vega was hot.

 

He was already up to anything she could ask of him. All it took for that was to be alone with her. _Kissing doesn't hurt, either_. He knew there was no way that they would go public until they were on intimate terms again and he knew he had to wait for that. _New body, new life...it's all new._ And really, it wasn't hard to be patient with her. She reacted to him, more than he had remembered. Maybe it was because they were sober, or maybe the attraction had grown, or both. It was enough for now. It was more than enough. _But I can't stand the way he watches her_. Her life before they met made her what she was and now that he knew she was moving forward he was okay with it. He didn't feel Thane's shadow hanging over him anymore. So he wasn't jealous of her, but he couldn't wait for them to be together--he'd tell everyone, anyone who would listen. _It's not alright. The way he watches her is not alright._ The elevator door opened again. Hands under her arms, he raised her to his height and she wrapped her legs around his waist. _Goddamn, Lola._ She knew every right move. Javi was gone for the night. The shuttle bay was theirs.  _Just keep your clothes on, James, tonight's not the night._


	29. Chapter 29

The research base covered a considerable territory on Jupiter's Ganymede. The Alliance had gone so far as to construct an atmospheric dome around it. According to EDI, part of the process of rebuilding Shepard had taken place here--the early seminal stages before the Alliance had moved operations, the first of many such moves. It had been a long trek across the galaxy before the prototype had come to rest at Huerta Memorial for it's jarring flight back to life. Due to its size, Shepard had taken out two teams of three people each. EDI, Jack and Garrus were the inflitration team; Kaidan, Shepard and Vega comprised the diversion team. They were the ones who would draw the fire from the base's AI, while the other team located the core, disabled the AI and destroyed the first of the copies of the Lazarus II data.

 

Kaidan had a bad feeling about the whole thing. He didn't want to be in Shepard's party, even though he knew it was where he belonged. The three of them were like tanks. They could fight, take damage, heal...and they could do more damage between the three of them than a whole battalion. Standing in the shuttle as it reached the drop off point, he observed Lt. Vega. Gone was the manner he showed on board, the Lieutenant was all business; checking his gear, subtly taking stock of Shepard's gear. He could tell, he was doing it himself. _She can be reckless...and we both know it._ It didn't help that they had no idea what kind of personel might still be manning the facility. _We could be going right up against the Alliance. Shepard_. Lt. Vega seemed pretty cool about it. That didn't help either.

 

Their team dropped just behind a rise that faced the large trifecta of buildings. The infiltration team went on to their drop spot. Winds were gusting against them as they climbed the ridge. From the top, Shepard looked down the scope of her sniper rifle. She rarely used it in the past, but she had been spending a lot of time with Garrus. She could see manned look out towers, heavy guns on sliding mechanisms. There were also storage containers she suspected would contain light and heavy mechs. A large garage at the end of the facility seemed like just the sort of place she might store an Atlas or two. _Well, shit._ Tactically coordinating this was not going to be a picnic.

 

"We need a coordinated strike. Kaidan, I need you to do some damage to those storage containers. Detination charges, biotics, whatever will make them go boom. Vega, the same goes for that garage--take this flame thrower, use grenades, just make sure nothing makes it out in one piece. I will give you cover fire, take out the towers and turrets. They're well fortified here, so we can't be a diversion. We have to take them out." Both men nodded. _They're not arguing. Give thanks for small favors, I guess_. She started to set up the rifle as they shuffled down laterally to their assigned positions.

 

The explosions began to ring through her headset, her own sniper rifle thundering down the ridge. The towers were taken out easily, the other heavy guns took more work. She had trouble keeping track of Vega and Alenko through the smoke and flames. Turrets were coming online rapidly. _The AI knows we're here. Now that we've got its attention, I hope the others get to work_. No sooner she would down one set of turrets, another came online. _They better offline that AI, ASAP_. Kaidan had set off detination charges in a chain reaction, each storage container setting off another. The garage was engulfed in flames and falling to rubble, but one Atlas appeared to have gotten through. _And there's no cover...no cover at all._

 

She pulled out the grenade launcher, hurling grenades at what was left of the heavy guns before clearing sand with a shockwave that she rode down the ridge. When she got to the bottom, there was nothing she could do but go pure biotic. She charged the Atlas, hurling herself through its glass. She shot the man inside point blank, throwing his body from the piloting seat. Having taken it over, she turned its guns and rockets on anything that appeared to be firing. She was stunned as a blast rocked her Atlas, followed by the ominous sound she knew to be the steps of another. She turned the apparatus. Kaidan and James were trying to fall back, but there wasn't time or space. _It's now or never_ , she thought to herself as a pure cry of war screamed out of her.

 

Creating a biotic field, she seized the rival Atlas, lifting it 20 feet in the air before hurling it into the rubble of the storage containers. It made a horrible tearing noise which she silenced with two rockets. Wordlessly, she disembarked. She jogged to her squadmates to be met with their twin glares. "Stow it, men. We need to keep moving before anything else comes online."

 

"Copy that, Commander." Lt. Vega replied. Kaidan was furious. _She thinks she's invincible and he's enabling her._ He realized he was gaping at the Lieutenant when Vega turned to him with a stormy look clouding his face. It wasn't the time to take Shepard to task. The time was at the debriefing and they were a few death defying feats away from that. Glaring at each other for a moment longer, they both turned in tandem to follow her lead up the first ramp.

 

"Joker, patch me in to Garrus." Just as she said that, they heard the whole station powering down. "Garrus?" The door came online.

 

"Shepard, we're in. The buildings are connected via a sub-basement. Most of the resistence was artificial. You've taken out any live personel and we've disabled the rest. Make your way down to the center chamber. We're waiting for you there."

 

"Copy, Garrus," she looked at them. "Well, you heard the man." The ground was littered with disabled mechs as they picked their way through the building's floor plan. She wasn't about to ignore loot or tech, so she didn't hurry. _I didn't get rich by picking and choosing opportunities._ She took everything she found--weapon upgrades, creds, prototypes and salvage. They managed to find the tunnel network Garrus was talking about. They made their way to the core chamber. EDI was already hacking through firewalls to get at the data. They had made it.

 

"Alright, we're here. Shepard--what the hell was that? You didn't know you could charge through that Atlas's shell--You didn't even know if you could lift the damned thing, let alone throw it!" Alenko had been holding it in for as long as he could. His series of biotics were known for certain difficulties in restraining their tempers. _Chronic migraines probably help with the short fuse_ , Garrus thought to himself. The Major was right in a way, but it was good to hear that Shepard was functioning at such a high level.

 

"Save it for debriefing, Major." Lt. Vega broke in. _A quad--he really has a quad if he wants to break in now._

 

"Tell me I'm wrong, Lieutenant!" _Pulling rank...he's really pissed._ It generally wasn't healthy to disagree with a Spectre. Alenko was one of the good guys. He had never used or abused the title the way Shepard and he had. Vega didn't answer, but his face blackened with anger. _He's angry with her too. Shepard, Shepard, Shepard._

 

"Enough. Stand down, both of you. Who do you think you are and who do you think you are talking to? I am Commander fucking Shepard, first human Spectre, hero of the Citadel and the whole fucking galaxy! I've got more titles coming out my ass--if you're interested, I'll forward you a list. In the meantime, you don't question my judgment and remain on my ship." She paused. _Men. You save their fucking lives, you'd think they'd be grateful_. "However valid you may think they are, we don't air grievances in the middle of a mission. I don't even want to see you at debriefing. You think it over. Stow it or ship out."

 

Garrus was listening, intently. Shepard didn't take prisoners. He made himself a little scarce, trying to give the storm space to blow over. He came to a halt at the end of a row of screens frowning deeply at what he saw. Joan noticed.

 

"What is it, Garrus?" She was walking over to him. He held up a hand to halt the two men with her from following.

 

"Shepard..." he began, shaking his head at them to warn them off.

 

She was at his side then, looking at the screen. Her face froze. Two researchers were looking at a screen along with Admiral Hackett. Behind them stood a tank, similar to the one Okeer had used to create Grunt. A human sized and human shaped Reaper stood suspended inside it. _That's me_. A tremor of revulsion ran through her...and foreboding.

 

_"We are still breaking the encryptions on the SR2 Cerberus surveillance footage, Admiral. These are the last entries logged before Shepard returned with the Normandy to the Alliance. We recovered them from the derelict Cerberus base after the war." "_

 

_Is there anything we can use?" Hackett asked._

 

_"Her psychological profile is not encouraging. The prototype is growing, but at a slow rate. We need to motivate it."_

 

Garrus swallowed hard. _Did they just call her, "it"?_ Shepards face was still blank. He shot a glance at Vega and Alenko. Kaidan's weight was shifted forward, like he would be next to them in a second if summoned. Vega was pacing behind him. The other researcher chimed in.

 

 _"We can't be sure of what will be useful until we have recovered everything, but the prototype has shown neural response to the audio stimulus of these recordings."_ _The screen in front of them came to life._  

 

 _N_ _o. Oh, no._ Garrus knew what he was watching. Thane's face was caught in the first surveillance camera, tears streaming from his eyes, and Shepard was there... _not this._

 

_"Use it. Use whatever you find. Shepard must be raised at any cost. I've read the priliminary reports. She's not a candidate, so make her a candidate. Implant as much data as you can, and step up the pace."_

 

"Shepard..."Garrus tried to begin again. She was frozen so still, it looked like catatonia. When her voice finally answered, it was quiet and much too soft.

 

"EDI, are you done deleting the local copy?"

 

"Yes, Commander. Would you like me to--"

 

She interrupted with the same intonation. "Leave me. Alone."

 

"Let me stay," Garrus suggested in a low tone. "Please, Shepard."

 

Her voice didn't change. "Everyone, out. Now."

 

Garrus backed towards the door, signaling the others to retreat. There was no arguing with her, not after what she just saw. "Signal the Normandy. Extraction in five minutes," her voice commanded it almost as an afterthought.

 

"Joker, we need extraction," Garrus began. He led the others out of the central building. They were halfway to the outer doors when the sound began. They could hear her screaming with rage, metal being ripped apart and crushed, bolts being torn from walls, glass shattering. The sound was otherworldly and apocalyptic, only growing in force and volume. "Keep going," he ordered, bringing up the rear to prevent stragglers. _She said five minutes, she'll be here and we have to be ready and waiting._ As the din of destruction from below continued to crescedno, he sincerely hoped he was right. The stairway two rooms behind them twisted and warped as it collapsed. _Come on, Shepard._

 

Out on the landing area, tensions began to boil over. There was only one minute left. Vega and Alenko were in each others' faces, yelling about whether to trust her or go in after her. Vega was choosing trust, that was all that mattered to Garrus. Kaidan made the first move with a biotic throw. Vega followed up with three old fashioned punches to the face. Then, a new sound interrupted them. A horrible creak tore through the building as the front of it flew apart. A glowing and twisting biotic field was piling everything in on itself in a sphere around Joan. Squealing and crushing, the building was caving into the central chamber below ground. With seconds left, the sphere propelled itself from the wreckage, driving hard into the landing strip. The field flew away with the impact, and Joan tumbled, rolling at high velocity to a road burn. The Normandy was there, Garrus picked her up and loaded the team. She was unconscious when he got her to Dr. Chakwas.


	30. Chapter 30

"There is nothing more I can do, Garrus. The prototype has to demonstrate its capabilities," Dr. Chakwas said. "It is a hybrid, it should have both self-repair directives and a greater organic potential for healing." She lowered her voice. "I cannot speak to the possible psychological ramifications. Are you sure of what you saw?" It was unthinkable. He couldn't blame her for doubting him.

 

"I am certain, Doctor. I saw it with her." He paused. "I know that you have to keep patient confidentiality, but I have to ask you not to repeat what I told you. No one else should know. It would be hard on her."

 

"Unnecessary, Garrus, but I understand your motivation. She has a true friend in you."

 

 _Yes, she does_. He walked to the Comm-room. He could take care of the debriefing for her. The mission was complete and perhaps he could spare her some of the balancing act of leadership while she was out. As he entered, the room was buzzing. Alenko and Vega were on opposite sides of the room, avoiding eye contact as if it was all that stood between them and war. Liara was the first to speak.

 

"Garrus, tell us the news. How is Shepard? Has she regained consciousness?" They were all worried, the room reeked of concern. "Everyone please, let's keep this meeting brief. I'm sure we all want to stop by to speak to Dr. Chakwas and visit Shepard."

 

"There is no news. She has not come to yet." Liara sank into her seat in response.

 

"There is no need to be concerned for Shepard's physical condition," EDI broke in. "The prototype will repair itself. It remains to be evaluated the particular power Shepard utilized, its effects and whether or not it can become part of her personal arsenal without extreme stress as a catalyst."

 

"What did she do, EDI?" Garrus asked.

 

"I do not know," EDI began. Jack interrupted.

 

"She acted on instinct like I did when I escaped Cerberus as a kid. You can't teach shit like that. It just happens when you're in deep and there's no other choice. And there's no words for the moves you come up with in that frame of mind...I've done shit like that in a blind rage, but Shepard..." she trailed off. "She's better than ever. Most powerful biotic I've ever seen, myself included." The room had gone quiet.

 

"Garrus, is there anything in particular we should know at this point in regards to the mission?" Liara asked. _She wants this meeting wrapped up...they all do_.

 

"EDI, did you discover anything while you were destroying the local copy?"

 

"Little that I did not already know. There are aspects of the project that were revealed to me, but I do not believe that Shepard would want them discussed. It is personal."

 

That was true enough. "Dismissed, then. Major Alenko, Lt. Vega, stay behind." It was time to discuss their rather loose interpretation of standard military protocol.


	31. Chapter 31

He had fallen asleep again on one of the tables in the MedBay. If it wasn't him it was Alenko. _What a fucking mess. Shepard...Lola._ He felt like he was flying blind. No one except EDI and Garrus seemed to know what was going on, and it didn't seem to help them much. All any of them could do was wait for her to wake up. The screaming had been the thing...just like when they woke her up, but with more rage and less despair, if that made sense. _None of this makes sense_.

 

She was still out cold. Her face was totally neutral. _It's like she's dead. When she's sleeping, her face is neutral too, but it's prettier...she's like an angel when she's sleeping_. He shook his head, rubbing the sleep from his face. He guessed comas were another thing. He had been there most of the night. He decided to return to the shuttle bay, shower, maybe catch a little sleep in his bunk before the day began.

 

Garrus caught up with him at the elevator and followed him down. Kaidan noticed that too. Jelaousy was a bitter pill. It always made him wonder if he was seeing things clearly. Clearly, Garrus and Vega were in cahoots somehow, _Garrus has him by the balls._ But then Vega...he hated Vega. The Lieutenant had let her do whatever the hell she wanted on the last mission and now she had been out for days after pulling a half dozen stunts that he would have hauled her out on the carpet for if she was conscious. It didn't make a difference. She had given him his options. The longer she stayed down, the longer he had to think. And he needed to think. He had actually fought an ally--he had fought with James. _I couldn't go through it again...if she didn't come out..._ but she had come out. He hated to admit it, but Lt. Vega had been right. Maybe he was too emotional to work with her. _And apparently, I still don't trust her_.

 

He walked into the MedBay, replacing the flowers by her bed with fresh ones. They had docked at the Citadel and the whole crew had gone ashore, bringing back tokens for their commanding officer. He knew she didn't care about flowers. She wasn't the kind. Growing up on the streets had hardened her. Anything that didn't do something was stupid. A bottle of whisky was worth more to her, and he had picked up one of those too, for when she woke up. _Goddamnit, Shepard._ The more he cared about her, the more he seemed to bury any chance with her. _She moved on...the way I told her I was moving on. Only, I'm the liar between the two of us._ She was calculating, she could be cruel, she never flinched. But at the root of that was being in touch with herself. She was true when other people who looked nicer on paper weren't. He hoped he could make it up to her. And more than anything, he hoped he could get a handle on himself. _I don't know what was on that screen, but I didn't help. Calling her out in a mission did not help._ He laid a hand on her forehead smoothing back her hair. Bowing from the waist he brushed a kiss where his hand had been, turned and walked out.

 

Garrus had left two hours ago. He kept checking in, making sure James wasn't falling apart...and he wasn't. In spite of everything that was going on, he wasn't falling apart. He had to trust her. He had gone through his period of doubting her, but he had left it behind when he had decided to go for her. _No other way of doing it._ He didn't need to see the screen at the Alliance base. He had an idea of what it was about. _It's about Thane. That's the only thing that could send her out of her head like that._ The mission had laid to rest any last doubts he had about going rogue on the Alliance. If they had used that, her most private memories to raise her... _no. No. No one had the right to do that to anyone, let alone the military she had served and done proud_.

 

It was pitch black and he was on the edge of sleep. It was always the edge. He had hardly had any rest since the mission. How could he with her up there in the MedBay? A week ago he had been falling asleep next to her after kissing her all night. All night. _Fuck, Lola._ It never got old, being able to kiss her. He heard the elevator and the silence that followed. _No one is that quiet_. "Lola," he called out into the empty dark. Then she was there, next to him, crawling into the bunk. It was crowded, but he didn't care. Her face was hot and wet from crying. _Just give it time. She came to you. That's all that matters_. He closed her up in his arms and fell asleep.


	32. Chapter 32

Her team was loyal, she gave them that. No sooner she had been discovered missing from the MedBay, they had torn through the Normandy looking for her. _Good thing they found me in my cabin._ She had just finished showering and dressing when the group arrived. Vega was absent because he was getting ready for the day like she was. And Kaidan.. _.shit_.

 

She remembered the ultimatum she had given him. It was hard, dealing with Kaidan. They had always been so different, but the difference just seemed starker now. He was real hero material, always had been. She wasn't. She was a problem solver. She liquidated the problem or there was no problem. Somehow she had been the one to wrack up the titles and accomplishments. _His heart's in the right place,_ she thought to herself. She didn't mean to be so harsh, but something about him just brought out the worst in her. Now, they were both embarrassed. Embarrassment didn't matter though. _It's not like I can take it back_. Nothing she had said was untrue.

 

She still showed signs of road burn and her gait was a little sticky--it didn't constitute a limp, more like restricted flexibility. It would take a little more time to be back at the top of her game, and it would take time to plan the next mission. All in all, things had turned out okay. Once the group was satisfied, they began to clear out, except for Garrus who remained behind.

 

"Still sneaking out of hospital beds, Shepard?" Garrus teased, chuckling. He wouldn't have it any other way. It was part of her nature, and he was pleased to see it.

 

"Old habits, Garrus. Besides, the more I learn, the more I realize I've only been violated while under hospital care..." It started as a joke, but she found she couldn't really deliver a punchline. She frowned. _Nope, still too angry._

 

He sighed. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I still can't believe it. I just can't understand why. What were they trying to do?"

 

"That's the question of the hour," she returned. She walked over to her personal terminal. "Kolyat, can you come up to my cabin, please?"

 

"Of course, Commander," came the reply.

 

"Shepard?" Garrus looked at her questioningly.

 

"We have the passenger theory...but what if we're wrong? He's the only one who can know what is possible and what isn't. Stay with me, Garrus."

 

She was right. Kolyat was at the door within minutes of her summons. They took seats around the table in her living area. She filled him in on what they had found at the base. He was silent for a few minutes.

 

"You are wondering if the passenger theory still stands, or if the memories are the result of the Alliance manipulation of you during reformation." She nodded. He paused, reflecting.

 

"It doesn't matter in terms of how I live now. It matters in terms of the Alliance's intent. Why did they do that? Was it only to "motivate the prototype", or was there some further significance to their design? They recovered that data from Cerberus. What else did they recover? What else did they implant? And why?"

 

"From what you have described, Commander, the passenger theory stands. Even if the Alliance scientists implanted memories, they could not give you the ability to relive, unless they introduced the genetic strain deliberately, which as far as we are able to tell, they did not." He stopped again, considering. "Although these issues surrounding my father are unrelated, it does not mean that you are wrong to be concerned by what you saw. It proves the level to which the Alliance was willing to manipulate you, and that those orders came from the very top. Unfortunately, until you are able to access more bases, we cannot determine what the overall design might be. We need more data, Shepard. I'm afraid our mission has just earned itself another project."

 

She stood, thanked and dismissed him. Kolyat...the kid was sharp, Garrus could give him that. Now reconnaissance could be added to the list of objectives. Now that that was settled, he could begin the conversation he knew she needed him for. She returned to the table with a bottle and a glass for each of them. They poured their poisons, took a breath and sighed. "About Alenko, Shepard..."

 

"I know, I know. I was too hard on him in the field. That's what you're going to say, isn't it?"

 

 _If you're looking for a lecture, you came to the wrong place._ "No, not really. His outburst was...unprofessional. I gave both Alenko and Vega an earful on the subject after the debriefing." He had given them more than an earful. He had given them a tongue-lashing that would have put any turian military commander to shame. "That's not what I want to talk to you about. Shepard, the man is still in love with you." Her eyes snapped up and her body tensed. She looked like she could jump out of her skin. She remained silent, waiting for him to continue. "It's not his intention, but his judgment is clouded when it comes to you. You've died twice. I know the risks you take are calculated, but for him...I don't think he can go through it again. That's all."

 

"So. That's what this is all about." She was quiet. It was a lot to take in. _He was the one who called me a liar and said he wanted to move on. Now who's the liar?_ Joan knew that being truthful ruled out being nice. It was the reason she had earned her reputation. She evaluated every situation and did what was left to be done, as she saw it. It was simple. Kaidan, however...

 

"I've already said this is a no casualties mission. That's what the doppelganger project is for. I have taken my precautions. I will let Mordin raise me. What more does he want?" Her voice was on the rise. She couldn't help feeling frustrated and angry.

 

"Probably more than he even realizes," Garrus said refilling their glasses. _Alenko is a damned fool_. Sometimes fate would hand you a second chance, but only if it had a chance to spare. Years passed and some people were able to reunite. He didn't hold out a lot of hope for Kaidan. Shepard was pretty tough, but Kaidan had hurt her. He had cut her to pieces. Since then, a lot had changed. _She had Thane_. There wasn't a way to go back from that kind of love...only forward.

 

"That's not going to work. I can't deal with people who aren't clear. You know that." She had been clear from the get go. She had been clear when they got together, clear when Cerberus raised her, clear when she returned to the Alliance... _and I'm being clear now._

 

"I do, Shepard." He paused. "You gave him an ultimatum. See what he does with it. But I think you have to consider cutting him loose. The strain is hard on both of you." She nodded, looking at her glass.


	33. Chapter 33

Kaidan Alenko thanked his lucky stars that his own Spectre missions had kept him off the Normandy. He had left just after learning that she was awake and moving about the ship. It was good enough to know that she was out of the woods. Back on his own ship and in control of his own command, he was beginning to shake off some of the weight of the emotional payload that built up with Shepard. He didn't know what he expected from her. She never changed. She was still the woman he had fallen in love with...that's what made it so hard. It hadn't been hard when they got together, it had been natural and unavoidable. _But now..._ It didn't help that he saw that she was developing feelings for Vega. He needed time away, time to get his head together and his priorities straight.

 

Alenko had reported through vidcom. He had not totally thrown in the towel, but had returned to his own ship when duty called. None of them had expected he'd do anything else. He took being a Spectre very seriously, especially as the second in history after Shepard. It was for the best that he took some time to breathe. To Garrus, it was the first smart thing he had done in a while. The overall spirit on the Normandy lightened up in response to the decreased tensions. As soon as Shepard regained consciousness, they had shipped out. It had taken a lot to destroy any evidence of what they had done on Jupiter's moon, but they had finally covered their tracks enough to return to the Citadel for a little R&R. He was back to taking her target shooting. It was good for her. _Hell, it's good for both of us_. She was finally getting back to her old self and that made a big difference.  _It's making a big difference for everyone..._

 

When he heard the elevator to the shuttle bay, he knew it was her. Everything was up to code. He liked things neat, clean, Spartan. _The only thing I need now is a woman in my bed...and not just any woman_. Lt. Vega didn't mind coming second. He was waiting up to see if she'd come down to see him after her shore leave with Garrus. He had gone ashore too, visited some buddies at Purgatory, but he was back and sober. He made it a point that he wouldn't be buzzed if she might come down. He listened to her steps, trying to gage if she had been drinking. Garrus would drink and shoot with her. He didn't mind either way, but he had his limits. Whatever happened between them now, was happening because it was supposed to...not because they weren't in control of themselves.

 

He felt her hand on his shoulder and he turned to embrace her. He didn't smell any alcohol and when he kissed her, he didn't taste any. It was getting tricky. He knew any night could be the night, and he tried to keep himself in a state of readiness...but readiness meant readiness. He was always ready now.... _at the drop of a fucking hat_. Her arms twined themselves around his neck and he pulled her a little closer, his hold on her warm and welcoming. _Fuck, Lola. I'm trying not to rush you_. Every kiss ended up the same way. He'd wind up in bed with her, kissing her, resisting the urge to strip her. Her lips sucked his lower lip between them, her tongue teasing it. _Goddamn, Lola._

 

She was impressed with him. He had really been doing everything he could to make it comfortable for her and everything to make it clear that he wasn't the man he had been all those years ago. He was going to a lot of trouble not to fuck up, and she appreciated it. _But you've blue balled me for the last time, Vega._ She smiled into the kiss. He had been driving her crazy and now she had to send a signal, loud and clear. They had danced around enough. Releasing her hold on his neck, she started to drag his t-shirt up his body, tracing muscles and skin as she went. He broke the kiss to look at her and took a breath like he wanted to say something, but she just returned his gaze, lifting the shirt until he raised his arms and pulled the t-shirt over his head. His hands pulled her back into the kiss before running themselves over her uniform, unfastening, removing and caressing.

 

Her hands went to his belt and that stopped him. He gripped them and managed to stop kissing her. "Are you sure, Lola?" She met his eyes silently. She turned him around, his back to his desk, pushing him back until he leaned against it. Then she put his hands on her belt, manipulating them to unbuckle it. _Fuck. I'll take it,_ he thought, as they proceeded to strip each other. Once they were down to underwear, he glued her to him with a kiss, half carrying and half dragging her to his bunk.

 

This had been the stuff of his fantasies for too long and every one of those fantasies surfaced. When he managed to drag his lips from their kisses, they only seemed to find other places to be. His mouth was everywhere and anywhere he could put it. He reached one hand behind her back and undid the clasp, his other hand rapidly removing the article. He was sucking, licking and kissing according to pure instinct and hunger. His hands were already in her underwear, scooping up her buttocks and kneading them. She had everything right where he wanted it. Now he could feel her pushing him off. _Fuck. Cool it, James._ He backed off her immediately, sitting back on his heels. Then she surprised him.

 

 _Oh, no, James. You don't think I'm going to be passive, do you?_ She knew he was trying to do right by her, so she knew he'd pull back, but she was right behind him coming up onto her knees. She traced her hands over every chiseled inch of him, diving into his neck to raise a bruise there with her sucking. His breath caught, she heard it and felt it...and enjoyed it. She trailed her lips over his chest and ribs as he gasped and choked. She opened her eyes to look at the tattoos and that was when she saw it, on the left hand side of his ribs. "Lola", was tattooed in a flowing shaded script. She looked at him, wordlessly tracing it with her fingertips.

 

He was almost panting, watching her fingers on his ribs. He was already up to anything, his cock felt like it was going to split he was so hard. He took a deep breath and released it, meeting her eyes. "It's been there a while, Lola." He remembered when he got it. He had meant it as a token, and as a reminder. He hadn't thought then that she'd ever be seeing it, let alone touching it the way she was now. He hadn't thought about it at the time, but there was a reason he'd put it on the left side, under his heart... _she was already in it, and I wanted it to hurt._ He pulled her up to him, his mouth taking hers, his tongue sweeping over hers deeply. He could hardly think. He needed to slow things down. His hands were pulling her underwear down her thighs and sweeping back up to tease her sex. She was ready for him too, but he had waited too long to just let it go like that.

 

He grabbed her behind her knees and jerked so she landed on her back with her feet in the air. In on fluid motion, her underwear was off and discarded. His mouth was scalding a path up her legs, He hauled her hips up and set himself to pleasuring her. Watching him was damned erotic. He didn't think about what he was doing. He was just doing what he wanted to. _And he's damned good at it._ James was obviously getting through a lot of material from a lot of time wanting to. She tried to pull back, she wanted him inside her, but he wanted something else. He kept her there, absolutely relentless, until she came, thrashing. He released her hips back to the bed.

 

She barely caught her breath before she was pushing him back. "I don't think so, Lola." She was pulling down his underwear, releasing his bobbing erection. Her lips were wet and slightly open. He felt her mouth and throat surround him, humming appreciatively. He let out a shuddering breath. _Fuck, but that's good_. He gently pulled her off, her mouth popping with the suction she was applying. _Fuck_. He wouldn't last that way, not this time. "Not this time," he practically panted the words as he pushed her back. _All this making out like teenagers every night hasn't helped_. Gathering her in his arms, his tip found her opening. This he had fantasized too, and he was going to have it.

 

He pushed in slow. He was wide and he was pushing her apart. She moaned, wrapping her legs around him to pull him closer. He didn't let her. This wasn't about missionary. He knew if she was on top, he wouldn't be able to stretch this out. He dragged out his entrance while she squirmed and begged for more. He caught her face in his hands, locking eyes with her, but he kept going with that excrutiating slowness until he had finally bottomed out in her. Now they were both short of breath. He swiveled his hips in a languorous figure eight, grinding as close to her as he could get. When their eyes met again, it was clear. _He's desperate. We both are_.

 

He didn't fight when she pushed on his shoulders to roll on top of him. He had satisfied a longing that had a hold of him for what seemed like forever, and with that he had lost control. _Goddamn, you know how to move, Lola._ She did know how to move. She wasn't going fast, he liked that. He needed that. She was kissing him as she rolled her hips against him. He didn't know how he did it, but he just managed not to come when she did, shifting her position to one that he had dreamed of. He pulled her to straddle his knees with her back to him, easing into her pulling her to rest her ass against him. He loved that ass. He could make her out in the mirror he used to shave, her legs on either side of his, the base of him visible where it was wedged inside her. Lacing his fingers with hers, he pressed one set of hands to the bundle of nerves above her sex, the other weighed one breast, toying with the nipple.

 

Her head dropped back against his shoulder in abandon. Feeling her and watching her at the same time... _I needed this. Fuck, I needed this_. They were moving together, sliding together, groaning with exertion and need. _It's even hotter than the first time._ Grinding and moaning feverishly, he felt her internal muscles start to clench. He bit into the juncture of her throat and shoulder partially to mark her, and partially to stifle his own cry. Feeling her trembling and convulsing around him, heat drenching him to his balls, his arms crushed her as his release boiled over into her. He managed to glance in the mirror seeing his semen dripping out of her. _That looks too good_...and he had no illusions. The night had only just begun.


	34. Chapter 34

He had actually come to like Vega. It had taken some time for the shock of what Shepard told him about the housewarming party to wear off, but he had to admit, he wasn't a bad guy. He didn't give up. It was obvious to him that their affair had begun. It had taken several weeks for Vega to start seeing straight again. They were standing in the battery while Garrus checked the calibrations on his guns. He still liked busting his balls a bit, but it was all in good fun. Vega had asked to talk to him, but that didn't mean he couldn't have a little fun at his expense.

 

"Alright, Vega, I don't have all day..."

 

"I've got a problem." _He sounds...serious._

 

"When it comes to willing women, I've never had a problem. Not sure I can help." _Fuck_. He hadn't expected to get ribbed like that, but he should have.

 

"That's...not the problem, Garrus." _No, there's no problem there...it's a dream come true._ It had been a dream come true. He spent most nights with her and those nights were amazing. They were full of passion and satisfaction. He wasn't there to complain and he certainly wasn't there to say that his stamina wasn't holding up. He was holding up just fine... _better than fine._ He didn't think he'd ever get tired.

 

"Then what is it? And why do you think I can help?"

 

"You know Shepard. There's something I kind of need to know and I don't know how to bring it up. Maybe I don't have to."

 

"I'm not going to be a go between, Vega, but if you're worried about Shepard, you better let me know what it's about." Shepard had seemed closer to normal than ever. Her head for decisions was clear and her sense of command strong. If something was going on, she was certainly hiding it well.

 

James Vega rubbed the back of his head. This was where it got tricky. "Has she said anything to you about...us?"

 

"No gory details, Lieutenant. I've heard you're dedicated and you don't cut corners." James blanched. Garrus laughed out loud at Vega's discomfort. Shepard and he had had their talks about reach and flexibility. They talked like friends talk. He knew she was satisfied and he didn't need to know more than the usual joking around.

 

_Goddamn, Lola_. Why did that make his pulse jump? _It's good if she's giving Garrus positive feedback...means she's happy, satisfied_. That was all he wanted, for her to be happy with it. He was fucking exstatic. It embarrassed him in a way, but mostly, it just made him think of the payback he'd extract later. "Is she...taking precautions?"

 

"I don't follow, Vega. Precautions?" He was frowning. _Does he mean...?_

 

"Come on, Garrus, don't make me spell it out." This was awkward enough. The truth was, he wasn't using any kind of precaution. The first time, the housewarming party, they had both been drunk and the sex had been wild, they hadn't stopped. He had sweated bullets until a month was out, wondering if anything would come of it and nothing did. He had figured at the time that it was just one night, maybe at the wrong time of month, but now they were doing it all the time. Did she know something he didn't? Was she taking care of it?

 

Garrus sighed. This was a difficult position. "Vega, I don't know what to tell you. Honestly. Because I don't know enough about the prototype. It's possible Shepard doesn't know...probably hasn't asked." He paused. This really wasn't his place, but with Joan's past, it probably hadn't crossed her mind. "You'll have to talk this over with Shepard...and possibly EDI." The lieutenant's face clouded over. _I better put out that fire_. "It's not something to be concerned about...it's just...personal."

 

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" _Like this conversation isn't?!_

 

Garrus let out another breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Look, I don't know how to answer you. All I can tell you is, the original Joan Shepard was barren, but she wasn't born that way. I don't know whether the prototype is an exact copy, following the Cerberus model, or more like a genetic clone. It would have made more sense for the Alliance if she remained that way--better for infiltration if she was infertile and immune, tactically better overall..." It made him sick, but he was pretty sure the Alliance had considered it.

 

James felt like he'd had the wind knocked out of him. After what they had seen on the first base, he knew Garrus was right. The Alliance was thinking in tactical terms.  _Strictly tactical._ "What do I say?" _What am I going to say?_

 

"I doubt it matters what you say. She's very...accustomed to just being this way. Don't avoid it, just...ask. I'm sorry Vega, I can't give you any better advice than that." Garrus's brow had cut low in his face. It wasn't anger. It was concern. Shepard didn't give out the details of her past easily. "Just hear her out, Vega, that's all." Apparently they were destined to share some of the same burdens. Shepard was the best friend he had ever had. Being close to her had a price. She was worth it. He looked at the Lieutenant.  _Hes' done alright so far...he's just got to go a little bit further._


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Underage/Rape/NonCon
> 
> Not graphic, but still...

He had to think. James Vega was a lot of things and crazy about Shepard was one of them. _What did Garrus mean, 'barren but not born that way'?_ He felt a familiar tightening in his gut. And how was he supposed to bring it up now? They'd have to get EDI and Chakwas in on it. That would be the end of whatever privacy they had. _Maybe that's good._ He had been waiting for a time and maybe this was it. He wasn't sure he wanted this to be the reason the crew found out about them. He rubbed his forehead as he got in the elevator. He needed a jump rope and his weights, just to sweat it out until he could think straight. He took a brisk walk out of the elevator. _Lola_. She was sitting on the edge of the desk, butt just on the edge with her legs crossed. _If they put a poster of this outside, every recruitment office would be full._  

 

Javi punched his shoulder, winking with a broad grin on his face as he headed for the elevator. _Well, it won't be long before everyone knows, anyway_. Word traveled fast on a ship. It was slower on this one out of respect to the CO, but it couldn't last forever. When he reached her side, she pulled him in to her. _You don't have to twist my arm, Lola._  Her kisses went straight to his head. It wasn't long before they were just a tangle of limbs, angling haphazardly for his bunk. _Can't think straight around her...don't know why I try_. Fortunately, he knew what it would take to think straight again. He smiled to himself, toppling her over. _I just don't see this ever getting old._ _  
_

Lying in his arms was good. Naked, satisfied and wrapped up in them, everything went away. Leadership weighed a lot. James's presence cut down what she carried. His fingers were in her hair, running through it as his lips pressed themselves to her forehead. She snuggled closer. They were both big surprises for each other...both warmer and more affectionate than people seemed to expect. _It's a good match, better than I suspected_. His nose was in her hair, breathing and nuzzling against her scalp. That was good, too. Then she felt him give a little huff, then inhale like he wanted to say something, but then nothing came.

 

"There something you want to talk about, James?"

 

 _Fuck me._ There was that sleepy, sexy voice that just set him on fire. He was on the verge of bailing. He just didn't want to ruin the moment. Afterglow with her was...something. _It's really something_. He couldn't help not wanting it to end. On the other hand, they had to talk about it and they had to know the truth. It wasn't a deal breaker either way. He wasn't against having kids with Shepard one day--just not in the middle of this mission. On the other hand, if she couldn't have kids, or just didn't want to, it wouldn't matter. _And something tells me, I need to know what Garrus meant._ "Lola..." he paused. _Goddamn. Words aren't exactly my fucking strong suit_. "I've gotta ask you something, and I just don't know how to say it."

 

That sounded serious. She pulled herself up to look at him. "James, I told you, you don't need to worry about me like this. I'm not afraid of anything you have to say, but when you're quiet or you hesitate, I get nervous. Whatever it is, just spit it out." He looked at her then. His eyes were saying something she didn't really understand, but it was... _admiring?_ It felt good.  _I could get used to that_ , she thought to herself. She didn't know how to return that look, but she knew better than to look away. She stayed with him.

 

"I'm not using anything when we..." he put a hand over his face and took a breath, "I'm just saying, we're not...why can't I finish this sentence?" He sat up in the bunk.

 

She let out a sigh. _Oh._ So that's what it was. It was normal that he wonder and she hadn't even thought about it. During her time in N7 and much of her career she had taken normal precautions, just...'cause. Most of her affairs then were just that--nothing serious, mostly just blowing off steam. The night before Virmire with Kaidan, she had let it go. Maybe it was the suicidal odds, the spontaneity, the culmination of a long slow burning attraction...in any case, nothing had come of it and with the rigors her body had undergone, she wrote it off. Later, when she fell in love with Thane, she also hadn't tried to prevent a pregnancy. She knew the odds were way beyond slim, but she had honestly hoped some part of him, some part of them would live on and stay with her once he was gone. She put her hand to her temple. _Talk about being careful what you wish for._ Then, at the housewarming...

 

"I can't have children, James. I--I probably should have said something..." she said haltingly,  _but the only people who know about this are Garrus and Thane, and Thane is gone._ Her face fell and she slowly started to hug her knees into her chest.

 

 _Damn, damn, damn, keep her talking_. He wasn't any good at this, but he didn't have a choice. He started it, neither of them would settle down until it was out and done. "It's okay, Lola." He paused, more for her than for himself. He kept his hands on her, hoping the contact would keep her from shutting down. "How do you know? I mean, this is a new body. It's not like before when Cerberus literally resurrected you."

 

She shifted a little to be more upright. That was true _._ She hadn't thought of it that way. "You're right. I'm just so used to it being that way and now this prototype..."she trailed off, getting lost in her thoughts. She was half synthetic--she couldn't...could she?

 

"I don't understand. You couldn't have been trying to have kids before Thane. How long have you known?" He felt that knot again, thinking back to what Garrus had said. She was staring straight ahead. He put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her to lean against his side. She didn't answer. "Come on, Lola, talk to me." He watched her shut her eyes, then take a deep breath.

 

"Alright, James." He didn't know why, but the color of her tone made him tightened his hold on her a little.

 

 _Fuck. Where to begin?_ "You know I grew up on Earth." He nodded. "Okay. I grew up on the streets. While I was little, I spent most of my time trying to get food and otherwise hide. I got good at lifting stuff from people sometimes, but I mostly tried to stay out of sight." She had seen a lot of herself in Jack when Jack chose the bottom of engineering for her quarters. _It did feel safe down there._ "The most important thing was staying invisible, because if you got someone's attention, you'd owe them. That's how it works...whole galaxy over." He shifted back to lean against the wall, pulling her closer. _So far, so good. Keep going, Lola_. "Anyway, staying invisible gets harder the bigger you get. I managed alright until I was about 13."

 

She paused. It wasn't easy to talk about. "I was really good at little scams by then. I was earning. That was how I got on the radar. Never mind that I still lived in a squat, a loner, no gang--if you have something, they want it...the bigger fish. I got caught at the end of a Friday night with full pockets. I knew who he was, always did my best to avoid him. He was one of the "tax collectors" for the syndicate controlling the neighborhood. Tough son of a bitch..."she paused. _It wasn't easy with Thane and it's not any easier now_. "I was a tomboy--wore baggy clothes and cut my own hair. He probably just wanted to rough me up and take the money, but when he realized I was a girl, I guess it changed his plans." She glanced at James, his jaw was working on itself. He turned to her when he realized she was looking at him. He brushed a kiss on her temple, then went back to looking straight ahead, waiting for her to continue. "He, uh...used me, beat me pretty bad. I had seen that kind of stuff. I didn't fight, just let him do it. That's what the hookers did when vice came." She sat up straighter to face him and rushed on. "I gave it up, gave him the money. All I was thinking about was finding a new squat and getting out of dodge." She swallowed hard trying to find how to say what came next.

 

James was silent. He was listening, his hands stroking her upper arms, trying to encourage her. He wasn't going to interrupt, but all he could think about was 13 year old Shepard being violated in a back alley. Between the lifestyle of a mid-level thug and the war on Earth, odds that the guy who did this was still alive were pretty low. That didn't do much for the rage that was tearing through him.  _Good thing the punching bag never complains._ He'd be taking it out on the bag in the morning, he knew he'd be punching until he bled his knuckles. But that was about him and tomorrow. Right now, this was about her. 

 

She collected her thoughts and went on. "I found a new squat across town, went underground for a while. I had a little money squirreled away, but it was tight. I had never had a period, so I didn't know it was missing. I figured it out though, I mean, eventually...then I didn't know what to do, didn't have much money left. So I sneaked back to my neighborhood to ask the street girls and they set me up with some kind of street abortion pill. I still don't know what it was. Didn't matter. I was desperate. I got back to my place and took it...I had never seen so much blood in my life up until then. Right after that, I got a fever. I was sick for a week that I couldn't even get out for food. There was nothing I could do but wait it out." _Jesus fucking Christ._ He had always known she was ballsy, but now he knew why. The streets made her. No wonder she had such an edge. She went on, "I didn't get my period until I was 15 and it was never regular. I got involved with rougher stuff, learned to fight and ran with a gang until I could sign up and get room and board and a way off world. They told me during the physical--and between my age, the beating, the drug, the infection...anyway, that's what happened, that's how I knew."

 

 _Goddamn, Lola._ He understood Garrus, now. There was no way he could have told him that, it had to come from her. He ran his hands down her arms, coaxing her to really lie against him, pressed tight to his chest. He suddenly felt like he couldn't hold her close enough. "It means a lot that you told me. Really." _Fuck, man, I'm no good at this_. He wanted to say more, but he was too stunned, mostly by how brave she was, and he knew that if he said too much she'd think he was pitying her. Nothing could be further from the truth. Admiration was practically choking him. It wasn't just what she had been through, either. Telling him showed trust. Being with him, letting him get near her like this, showed trust.  _Nothing's ever just talk with her. Anything she does, she does all the way._ _  
_

"Thanks for telling me," wasn't really what she wanted to hear.She sighed against him, taking in the warmth of his hold on her...trying to let it tell her what he meant and not to be disappointed. On her own, it wasn't really an issue that required discussion. She hadn't thought about it since she told Thane. _I couldn't take it if it had changed the way Thane saw me_. It hadn't. She could still see his eyes, feel the comfort of his gaze. One benefit of having the memories was she knew it hadn't. Nothing did and nothing could have. James interrupted her thoughts.

 

"Lola, I don't care if you can or if you can't. It doesn't have anything to do with me and you--it doesn't change anything for me." He was beginning to think nothing would. _I'm not going anywhere_. "I know it's still part of what made you Shepard, it's part of you. I'm not trying to deny anything.  But...listen. What if you can? That was then and this is now. This is a different body you're in and I haven't exactly been holding back. We're in the middle of a mission. We have to find out. We just have to know what we're doing, but not tonight."He rested his head on hers, nuzzling back in her hair.

 

She nodded against him. _That's what I wanted to hear._  And that was enough. They didn't have to talk all the time.

 

He stayed awake holding her until he felt by her weight on him that she slept. Then he shifted them both down into the bunk.  _I'm not going anywhere._


	36. Chapter 36

"Preliminary studies indicate that the question of procreation is indeed complex." EDI had begun to run diagnostic scans and was analyzing the data. "It is fascinating."

 

"I never wanted to be, 'fascinating'." _It's better to be invisible, and if you can't do that, be tough._   She hadn't been able to keep herself from giving the old days some thought. Telling someone always dredged the worst muck to the surface and there was plenty she hadn't told James.

 

"Give me the bad news first," Joan said, trying to feel like she was in control of anything in her life. She hadn't realized until then just how much the issue had been weighing on her since the night she had told James about her past. Try as she might since then, she had not been able to figure out what would constitute 'bad news'. _Look at me. I don't even know what I'm hoping for._

 

"Firewalls in my programming prevented me from accessing Alliance records of this, but the design is actually quite ingenious," EDI resumed. "As a synthetic hybrid, you are clinically infertile and immune to sexually communicable disease. You do not ovulate and you cannot become pregnant by conventional means."

 

"Pffft. Thank God for small favors...conventional means 'fucking', right?" Shepard asked sardonically.

 

EDI didn't skip a beat. "Correct." _Damn, her deadpan just gets better and better,_ Joan thought with a snicker she tried to suppress.

 

"I'm sensing a 'but', here..."a third voice broke in. _Time to get this meeting back on track._ James Vega had been sitting calmly enjoying the banter between the two women. All in all, it wasn't something he could find it in himself to be embarrassed about. He was boning the CO for all he was worth and now his CO, Shepard was acknowledging their...whatever it was. He didn't want to identify it himself. He was too afraid of putting on the heat. _All the same, ladies, time to cut the chit-chat and get down to the nitty-gritty._  He didn't mean to break up the fun, but they had come down to the MedBay for a reason. EDI took the point.

 

"But," EDI responded, acknowledging his presence before turning back to Shepard," Commander, your body does contain genetic material in the form of hybrid eggs. By artificial means, your fertility has actually been enhanced." She paused, frowning slightly as she evaluated her findings. "Like asari, you could take genetic matierial from any race to diversify the code within those eggs. You are no longer bound by previous physiological restrictions," she concluded.

 

"Huh. Time to finally give Grunt that love child he always wanted." She was striving for levity, but it was an evasive action. Joan closed her eyes involuntarily. _Thane. I really didn't know what I wanted to hear...still don't._ Receiving this information, she couldn't help but think of him. _We could have had it all...but you were already gone._ Her heart twisted inside her. She had relived the day that Kai Leng had mortally wounded him again and again. She replayed different scenarios; what she could have said, what she could have done to keep him from entering the field. She knew it was futile. He would have come for her...he had even found a way to transcend death after a fashion; to follow her, advise her. _He didn't give up on me. How can I give up on him? And fuck, who left me in charge?_   _Why am I making all the decisions?_

 

Part of what Vega had said during his rant to her was true. In a way, she still saved a part of herself for Thane. She and James didn't spend every night together and although everyone knew about them now, she still hadn't brought him to the Captain's cabin. The nights she spent there, she spent with Thane. It wasn't a conscious decision. She had shared the space with him, shared memories with him and the space was still his to wrap around her in the night. The shuttle bay was neutral ground and her memories didn't seem to follow her there.

 

Now, she was being told that every one of her former dreams could all come true and temptation pulled at her, more relentlessly than before. She had made the best decision a leader could make--the one that took everyone into account, Thane included. _One word to Mordin and Thane would be raised._ One other word to Mordin and EDI, and she could be building the family they had hoped for... _prayed for_. That they had both prayed, she both knew and guarded heavily as a secret. It was something that didn't seem to fit her, but she had done it anyway. When she helped to disperse the cure for the genofage on Tuchanka, it had been personal. She understood the Krogan females. She understood. Then a sobering thought hit her. _And where would that leave James?_

 

She glanced at him. Green eyes met hers. James looked calm and clear. _Solid._ She felt anything but.

 

"Thank you, EDI. Joker," she spoke through the comm system, "plot a course for the next mission. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my cabin getting some shut-eye. Wake me at T minus 15. EDI, Lieutenant, dismissed." She turned from the room and headed for the elevator. _I need to be alone. I need to think._


	37. Chapter 37

Garrus was waiting for her when she reached the cabin. She had wanted to be alone, but his presence was always the next best thing. He was never underfoot and he had a way of breaking things down to the bare bones. He was sitting on the bench by the table. He took one look at her and from somewhere beside him raised a bottle that he slid across the table to her usual spot, procuring a second for himself. _He always knows what a girl needs._ And Garrus didn't bullshit. Sighing with something like relief, she crossed the room to join him.

 

"The finest the Citadel could supply," he said, by way of introduction to the whisky he had brought her. _And the Citadel can supply very fine things,_ he thought to himself. He was a Spectre now, and that meant that he had bank. Not like Joan did, but bank nonetheless. He knew she'd appreciate it. Truth told, Joan wasn't picky. She could drink cheap swill with grunt soldiers and mechanics, or she could sip and sample top end whiskies along side connoiseurs. She was a chamaleon to anyone who didn't know her by more than her reputation. She had found two glasses for their respective poisons and was serving them. He could see weight under her eyes and in her look. Something was troubling her... _but how do I get to the wrench someone threw in...?_ He decided to keep it light for a few rounds. Maybe it wasn't fair to use reconnaissance tactics on a friend, but it seemed the best way to help. A few rounds passed and with it, some of the tension in her shoulders. A reckless gleam had crept into her eyes. _Reckless...and just a little bit desperate. She is dying to talk...probably just doesn't know where to begin._

 

Before he could decide what to say, she asked, "Garrus...who do you think the love of my life is?"

 

"What, besides me? Come on, Shepard. We both know you can't keep your eyes off me. It's only gotten worse since the scars. I appreciate that you keep it professional and keep your hands to yourself, but the attraction's obvious." They were both laughing by the end of his teasing.

 

That was a challenge. _Really, Vakarian?_ "Well, there's something in that. It always comes down to you and me...alone together...in the Captain's Quarters...."she purred, mocking him with the hand she trailed seductively down his arm, only to glide in character from his hand to her bottle, refilling in real time.

 

His breath had stopped for a second when she touched him. _First human Spectre...and no wonder._ She had it. Whatever it was, she had it. She could stop a man dead or bring him back from the grave by a whim and a hand on his arm. She knew what he was doing and she was letting him. She was simply joining in the game.

 

"No. Really." she said, staring at the tawny rose color of the liquid swirling in her glass. "On Earth they used to call this, 'releasing the dragon',"she said, noting where his eyes had fallen. He wondered if that was a casual comment or a warning.

 

"Really?" he asked. This was more serious and dangerous territory than he anticipated. The obvious answer was Thane. He had never seen anything like them together. Ever. Not between any pair of any species. Not ever. And he thought she was the strongest and most courageous person alive not to succumb to the temptation of raising him... _she's even more than that, because she's doing it for him._ "What brings this on? Have you been having more memories?"

 

"Answering a question with a question is an evasive tactic, Garrus. Just like bringing me single malt and flirting with me is an oblique tactic." _Sharp as a tack. Always was. I should have known it wouldn't work on her._ "In answer to your question, not any new ones lately, but I relive the ones I have already had almost every other day." She said it casually, but he knew what it meant to her. She paused. "I've tried to let them comfort me and in some way they do. But I do not control them the way drell can. They come upon me, usually here in this room and not in other parts of the ship. Places where we spent time together..." Her voice trailed off and he realized her implication. _They haven't conflicted with private time with James down in the shuttle bay._ "I suppose it was happening in the apartment, it would have happened at Huerta if I had been since..."

 

_Since escaping..._ "What do you want me to say Shepard? I can't name a name without...I don't know...cheapening another."

 

"But you have a name in mind." She stated with a flat and final tone. _Sometimes it's like she reads minds._

 

He sighed. "Yes."

 

"I see." she paused, pouring a fifth round. "What holds you back exactly? I'm your friend, I'm asking you a serious question about your perception of a very serious matter." Her voice had lightened enough to show that she wasn't angry with his reluctance. In fact, she was trying to put him at ease.

 

He took a moment to think before he answered. "Because the answer isn't fair to anyone. Not anyone, Joan."

 

She let out a chillingly bitter chuckle. "Nothing about my life has been fair, Garrus. Neither my beginnings, nor my promotions, nor my ends. Absolutely nothing has been fair. I'm not asking for fair or right or wrong. I'm asking for true. Who, in your opinion?"

 

_Damn._ He wouldn't lie to her. "Thane."

 

She looked at him with the strangest look. It was so blank, so void of any reaction. It was the truth. He had told her the truth and as usual, its abrasive quality didn't phase her. She knew, she had always known. "And James?" she asked, her face still frozen flat.

 

"Lt. Vega is...a much better man than I originally thought, he's exceeded every expectation I ever had for him and then some," Garrus returned. "That's why the answer isn't fair. He deserves respect and consideration. He's shown patience, endurance, support. The more he knows you, the more he believes in you. He won't anything in between the two of you or the mission. He's commited. And there's the way he looks at you. You've got to feel that. He's crazy about you. So will you answer me now? Joan, what is bringing this on?"

 

"I have been faced with a game changer." She still looked blank as she uttered the words haltingly. "And I don't know what to do."

 

"What kind of game changer?" This was getting heavy. _Just let her spill it. It's too much to carry alone._ It wasn't like her not to know what to do. She pressed forward, no matter what.

 

"The Alliance kind," she remarked, dryly. "Apparently, I'm no longer barren...on the contrary. I'm an asari, I can use anyone from any race to procreate." She bowed her head and he watched dots of moisture drip from her face to collect on the table. "I don't know how to do this, Garrus. I don't know how to not want him with me. Now. I want Thane back so badly and it's all at my fingertips and the only thing stopping me is, what? Fairness? To him? To James? I've got feelings for Vega, real feelings. He's been a prince. I don't deny it. I feel good with him. I feel safe. The chemistry is amazing. I feel satisfied, or I felt satisfied, back when I felt like I knew my body--which as it turns out, I seem to know less about every day." She paused, and he knew she was just revving her engines. "But it's more than that. I know he wants more. I know he wants to be here, sleeping here with me where there's actually room enough for both of us. I know he wanted to know about this in the first place because he's thinking seriously. I know that the only reason he's gone this far is because he thinks I've put the whole thing to bed--not raising Thane. I said so, and I don't kid around, right? He wants full time and that's something I don't even know I can give him, because I need to be alone EVERY OTHER DAY. I have to live with that. Thane is not gone AND he's not here." She poured and pounded. "Do you see what I'm saying here? Nothing about my life has been fair. I care about Vega...I love Vega, I don't want to screw him over. If it wasn't for this information, I'd be going along happy like I have for weeks. I do love him, but he's not Thane. So, am I really good enough, am I really suddenly so principled, that I am willing to sacrifice the love of my life, the possibility of a family with him, a light at the end of the fucking tunnel besides death, because it's unfair to someone else?"


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say is, I'm sorry. I don't know where this came from, but this is where it's going.

Garrus had left a few hours before. She was still drinking, but slower now. _Damned bottle's almost empty, and nothing._ It took forever to get a buzz on at this point. The prototype was too efficient at processing toxins. She had decided not to press the mission. They were orbiting their destination, an abandoned refinery...at least that was how it looked from the outside. EDI's scans had turned up a vast basement and sub-basement. She didn't know what she'd find down there, but considering the intelligence she had turned up at other facilities, she knew she wasn't ready to find it now.

 

She had talked to James in the mess hall, called it off for the night. She needed time to think, and he was willing to give her space...to give her whatever she needed. He really was a great guy. He just wasn't Thane. She couoldn't get around it. She put on her great big old sweatshirt and climbed into bed to read for a while. She had some new novels she had bought on the Citadel and she sort of felt like some innocent brain candy. Turning out all the lights but one, she started to read. She didn't know how many pages she was in. It didn't matter once she heard a faint current of air and a familiar voice calling to her.

 

Major Alenko had just been given leave to board the Normandy. He didn't really know what he was doing there. He had reached the unpleasant, but unavoidable conclusion that being near Shepard was better avoided. He felt out of control around her. It would only be worse now that she and Vega appeared to be an item. Still, he hadn't felt like he had any closure on it. So many years had passed, and he had never been satisfied that they had really talked it out, said what they both needed to say so they could go on...at least as colleagues. The crew deck was nearly still, just two engineers playing cards in the rec-room. They were the ones from Cerberus that Shepard had pardoned to return to the Normandy...he remembered them from before. He got in the elevator and selected the Captain's Quarters. As he got out on her floor, he was gripped by some anxiety over whether or not he might be interrupting something he'd rather not even think about, let alone see. Then he remembered why he was there, to deal with the past once and for all and be off her ship. He hit the door key.

 

"You're here. Surprise, surprise. I wasn't expecting you."

 

Her voice was smooth and rich. He felt himself heating under the collar. Against his will, his mind flashed back to wrestling on her bed back on the old Normandy. _Those nights meant everything to me._  He tried to refocus. She had made herself very clear the last time they spoke. "Shepard. I thought about what you said and I think we need to talk." Her cabin was already dark. There was just a reading lamp by her bed lighting the space. "Trouble sleeping?" He couldn't help but hope that all was not well in paradise. After all, she was alone.

 

"I'm sure I'll sleep like a baby once we finish 'talking'." Her voice was floating around the space, taunting and provocative.

 

He didn't know what to make of it. It felt flirtatious...when she said 'talking', it almost sounded ironic...and the only meaning he could think of behind it...he tried to return to the business at hand. "We may be talking for a while, Shepard. I think there's a lot we haven't said and I just want the record strai--"

 

"We can talk as long as you want..."she paused before her voice dropped,"...or as long as you can."

 

He had been listening to her all this time, only able to see that she wasn't on the bed. The little lamp illuminated that much. She must have been sneaking up on him, because now, she pressed her breasts against his back, her hands caressing him from behind, from his hips, to his shoulders; from his chest, down to his abdomen, down to his-- "Shepard..."he hated how it sounded like a sigh, but it couldn't have come out different. She was touching him in such knowing ways, sliding her hand over the bulge in his pants that had risen up strong in spite of him. Now one hand was pinching one of his nipples and the other was making a slow jerking motion through the fabric covering his organ. He gritted his teeth as his body reacted, treacherously and predictably.

 

Whatever he had planned to say had flown out an airlock somewhere. Holding her hands he turned in her arms to face her, placing her hands back where they had been. He didn't need more, but he liked what she was doing and it had been too damned long. As he traced up her arms and down her body, he slowly discovered that she was naked. The breasts pressed against his back were open to his touch, nipples already stiff with wanting. Squeezing them gently in his hands, his mouth found hers in the darkness. The lips he found were warm and moist and open. He teased the nipples under his thumbs before breaking their kiss to suck. Her hands were in his pants now, skin against skin, and she was jerking him, moaning with what he was doing to her and with the way he was swelling in her hands. The situation was shocking to him and it didn't make any sense, but she was so responsive under his mouth and hands. He jerked her to him, covering her mouth with his as he made for the bed. She was stripping him as he went, his clothes were littering the way. Finally naked, he gripped her to him, feeling her hardened nipples rubbing against him through his chest hair. He caught her by her pubis with one hand, the cleft of her ass with the other. Finding her hot and wet, he moved by instinct, sliding two fingers into her. He pushed his tongue deep into her mouth as he wet a finger of his other hand, bringing it to tap and tease her asshole. She bucked in two directions before hauling him down on top of her.

 

"Shepard..."he murmured. What was going on? Had they broken up already? Was this a rebound thing? He didn't know and the more she touched him and writhed against him, the less he was able to care. It wasn't like him to do this kind of thing, not at all. He never went in casual...but this was Shepard. She could get him to do anything. They both knew it. He slid down to the floor on his knees. The light was faint, but he loved to look at her with his fingers inside her, pleasuring her. They were sliding in and out of a glistening pink slit, her clitoris peaking out of its hood. He couldn't resist teasing it with his tongue. When he withdrew his fingers she moaned in protest only to moan more deeply when his tongue teased her back entrance and when he pushed both fingers in. She could come from this, he knew. She thrashed on the bed as he sucked and fingered, she writhed her way into a sixty-nine, sucking his cock, his balls, even tonguing his hole. It was an overload for him in every way. He had to get inside her. Nothing else mattered.

 

He had been on top and he pulled away from her. Any more of that attention and he would come himself. Catching her again by the pubis, immediately plunging fingers in to pull her closer, he moved back to the headboard. His other hand grabbed a breast bringing it to his mouth and her opening to his tip. Sucking on that nipple, he gripped her shoulders and slammed her down on him. She let out a throaty cry of want, cradling his head against her. He had always been an emotional guy. As sexy as it all was, being with her this way was too much for him. Tears were beginning to leak out of the corners of his eyes. Before he could stop himself, he was saying it. "I love you, Shepard." Saying it once seemed to be like opening floodgates. He was pulling her rhythmically against him. "I love you. I love you. I love you." When he thought back to the handfull of nights he had to spend with her before he watched her get spaced from his escape pod, he remembered that he had never really fit with her. He had bottomed out before getting all the way in. It had been enough at the time, how he felt about her had been what mattered and he thought they had time to figure that out. But the way things were going now, he had the sense that he might make it. He needed to make it. He was still helplessly murmuring his love for her, the love he had carried--no--dragged like a Sisyphus' stone. Every time he had thought he had made it to the top with his burden, that he was over her, the weight just rolled back downhill, pulling him with it. Then he heard her response.

 

"I love you. I've missed you so much. I need you back here with me so much." Her voice, even tinted in lust and satisfaction, was soft and vulnerable in a way he had never heard and the words were something from a dream. The combination set him loose. He was rolling her under him, she was rolling him under her. Kissing, caressing, sliding and gyrating, all with absolute abandon, her releases were crashing in one after another. She was almost to the point of accommodating him completely and he knew that once she did, it would be his undoing. Right now, it was the only thing holding him together. She was on top of him again and he was sending her hips down against him. Then something struck him.

 

It was something about her eyes. They weren't like the originals, and it was more than a little strange to see them in her face. Perhaps that was why he hadn't noticed earlier. There was something about them that seemed to look through him rather than at him. He was almost home in her, still kissing her, still talking to her, running his hands over her again and again as he pulled her closer. He didn't know why he did it exactly, but he was moments away from release when he said, "Shepard, look at me. I love you." In that instant, her eyes seemed to suddenly focus and the expression that formed on her features with recognition burned him in a way nothing ever had or ever would. It was wrong. He didn't know how or why, but it was wrong, and in the moment when he was closer to her than he had ever been, he felt himself release her. She pulled off of him and away. She practically fled. He flew to the bathroom, pulling on himself to alleviate the pressure, nothing more. No euphoria accompanied his climax. Cold and alone, dressing in her quarters instead of basking in afterglow, the overriding feeling in his heart was despair.


	39. Chapter 39

He had to keep this quiet. So far, no one knew other than the two players and himself. With any luck, he could keep it that way. Worst case scenario, he would pull in Kolyat. He was sure the young drell would be sympathetic and discreet. Resolving it all would be a matter of extreme delicacy. Joan had panicked him awake with her entrance to his quarters in the middle of the night. She had been wearing only an oversized Alliance issue sweatshirt and hadn't been able to speak. She had just choked and paced, hyperventilating until he had caught her in his arms and slapped her. Then she had become lucid, though she shrank from him in a way he had never seen before, and it wasn't because he slapped her. She had been grateful for that. When she told him what had panicked her he understood.

 

The tipping point in deciding to involve Kolyat had been the fact that she seemed not to understand or even know what had happened, only that she had become lucid to find herself in bed with Alenko, of all people. She hadn't been aware of him at all until things were well advanced. He hadn't gotten more out of her than that she thought she was alone. He told her to stay in his quarters, summoned Kolyat to speak with her and then went to find Alenko. He found him sitting on the floor in his old quarters, staring out at space while crushing his head between his hands. He circled him and took a seat next to him. He didn't have to look at him to know that he was a wreck, so he didn't. He simply stared out with him.

 

"Headaches?" Garrus asked. _Stress could have brought one on...it certainly could in the past._  When Shepard went down with the first Normandy, Kaidan had suffered the same migraine level headache for two weeks.

 

"No. Yes." he sniffed, scrubbing his face with both hands before raking them through his hair. "It doesn't matter. Is she alright?"

 

"She's with Kolyat...trying to figure out what happened. She's very...confused. I want to help her and I know you want to help her, so how about telling me what happened on your end." He did his best to sound brotherly and confidential. But the truth was, he was very curious. He knew that Alenko wasn't the kind to capitalize off a vulnerable moment in a woman and Shepard wasn't often vulnerable.

 

"On my end..."Kaidan echoed, almost choking on the words. "Damn it, Garrus. What am I supposed to say? I keep going over it in my mind and none of it adds up. It just doesn't make sense." He ground to a halt before his own thoughts. Garrus could see his eyes searching the sky as his mind searched its banks for an answer.

 

"Ok. Let's start from the beginning. What were you doing on board and why did you go to her cabin?"

 

He scoffed quietly, before responding. "That's the incredible part. I was on board because I had decided to be smart, face facts. I thought long and hard about what she said after the Jupiter mission and I had decided that she was right. I can't control myself around her. The whole situation is poison...for both of us. I don't like it, she probably doesn't either, but we should stay in our own corners, our own ships, our own commands. I went to her cabin to talk to her, for us to clear out whatever we had to and to tell her that I would be steering clear of the Normandy."

 

Garrus frowned, slightly. _Now that is unexpected._ He was impressed with him, for the first time in a long time. And he knew what that decision cost Kaidan. _Resigning himself not to see her anymore, to stay away.._.it was costly. He was ready to accept that it was over, possibly for the first time. _So all he came for was some closure._ That was fair considering how he felt about her. "Ok. So you went to her cabin. Then what?" This was where it all got very hazy as far as he knew. Shepard had no recollection of the events that had occurred before she had reentered consciousness, she only knew the result.

 

"The cabin was dark when I got there. She wasn't in bed though. So I called out, started talking to her. She answered, she spoke to me. We were talking, but..."his brow furrowed. _He looks confused...as confused as she is._  "She was...I don't know. It was like she was teasing me or something. I didn't know what to think. I kept trying to be serious and she--" he shook his head, pausing to rub his eyes, like he was trying to see clearly,"--no one's going to believe me. I'm surprised Vega hasn't barged in and tried to kill me."

 

"Vega doesn't know." Garrus said carefully. "And I'm beginning to think there's no reason he should. You say no one will believe you? Try me." He knew Kaidan well enough to know that he was a good guy; noble, some would say. And he also knew that Kaidan would probably cut off his own arm before he would harm Shepard. Giving him a steady eye, he waited for him to go on.

 

"She seduced me." His quiet admission seemed to drain him. He didn't know any other way to say it. He was staring out into the galaxy as he thought of how to explain it. "I've never gone into relationships lightly. I told her that on the old Normandy. There hasn't been anyone really special to me since her..."he drifted off for a moment before continuing. "So when she touched me, kissed me--God, Garrus, she ambushed me. She was already naked. She talked, she..."he paused again, looking at his hands. "She responded. I don't know what wasn't right about it. I don't know what happened. I...I made love to the love of my life tonight. That's how it was,'on my end'. I was in heaven. Everything she said or did was a dream come true. And then suddenly it was gone, and whatever had felt right felt wrong. I feel sick thinking about it now." He rubbed his face again. His eyes were red. Garrus knew pain, shame. He knew all of it. "She looked at me like she was seeing me for the first time and she was...horrified. I let her go, Garrus. I'm not a monster. I let her go the second I saw the look on her face." He swallowed hard. "I don't know how it happened, how she could do and say all those things and not know it was me, but she clearly did not know it was me. She did not mean for it to be me."

 

Just then a comm came through on Garrus's omni-tool. When he saw who it was, he responded, "Come to the port side observation deck. Be discreet." Then, to Kaidan," I believe you."


	40. Chapter 40

"Please, Major, I know you must be distressed, as is Commander Shepard. Try to remain calm. Sit down. Please, allow me to explain." Kolyat had entered the room only a few moments before. Major Alenko had alternated between sullen half-responses and bombardments of questions. Alenko turned from him before resuming his previous position on the floor. The younger Krios had a gentle manner and a way of detaching emotion from a situation. He himself was never detached, but sage beyond his years. "From what I have gathered from Shepard, your interaction seems to have coincided with a memory."

 

"I was afraid of that," Garrus muttered. It was something he had worried was bound to happen sooner or later. He had simply been grateful that it hadn't happened on a mission or in combat. And he knew it concerned her as something that could happen with Vega if she let him get any closer.  _Small chance of that now, if I know Joan._

 

"What do you mean, 'a memory'? What are you talking about? Garrus?" Kaidan was anxious. He didn't like the feeling that there was a whole lot going on behind the scenes when it came to Shepard. He had only ever cared about her, only ever wanted to help her. It wasn't fair that he was being treated like an intelligence leak risk. _Only on a need to know basis, huh, Shepard? What do you think? DId I need to know?_ Another thought hit him, and he wondered how much James knew.

 

Kolyat interrupted his thought. "Commander Shepard suffered a complication when introduced into the prototype. It went unchecked in the years she spent inactive. It became an unavoidable problem when she returned to active duty. We realized it early and began to develop a theory we call the "passenger" theory. Shepard's DNA became corrupted during the resurrection process. Among several major changes, Commander Shepard is capable of reliving drell memories, my father's memories specifically."

 

 _No....no._ He felt his stomach turn hard to port. _So it was a dream...Thane's dream. Lucky guy..._ "Wait--Garrus, you knew about this?"

 

"Yes. EDI, Kolyat, Vega and myself all knew about the memories. Vega came in at the end of one while she was still in the phase of rejecting the memories as they surfaced. He reported it to me and I joined the Normandy. I asked Kolyat to join us. I didn't know what was happening at the time, I just thought it might be grief and that he could be helpful."

 

"Her rejection of the experience of drell memory was causing her great pain, moreso because she did not understand what was happening. It must have seemed to her like madness or the legends humans have of 'haunting'. She thought she was losing her mind. That is how I came to join the Normandy. Together with EDI, I developed the "passenger" theory based on the data we recovered and Shepard's descriptions of the experience," Kolyat added. "I believe that you interrupted a memory near the beginning, and your conversation was like enough to the original, that you failed to wake her from solipsism. "

 

"Some memory..."Kaidan mumured distantly. "So, wait, the memory was of...?"

 

"Thane." Garrus said.  **  
**

"The genetic corruption came from my father. The memories are his. She has access to them and is able to relive them on the same level a drell would. She said she was remembering the day she met with a properties agent to sign the contract for the apartment on the Citadel. The agent had gone and my father had surprised her...by leaving Huerta Memorial undetected to enter the apartment via a ventilation duct." Kolyat smiled involuntarily at his father's idea of romance. With Shepard, it had meant showing her that he'd always find a way to her. His smile vanished when he thought of how true it continued to be. He always found a way, even through death.

 

Suddenly, Kaidan was laughing. It was a completely mirthless sound.

 

"What's funny, Alenko?" Garrus asked. For a moment, he had really sounded...unhinged.

 

"Nothing." He replied. Then his voice darkened to its usual seriousness. "Absolutely nothing is funny about this." He paused, as if deciding whether or not to speak. "I was just thinking...when she started...well anyway, I was wondering at first if she had broken up with the Lieutenant, if she was rebounding or...something." He shook his head again. _Not that it mattered._ "I was so jealous of him. Now, I guess I'm taking some strange sort of comfort in the fact that she didn't want him either. Not really. He could have 'interrupted' the same way I did. And he wouldn't have been Thane at the end any more than I was."

 

Garrus couldn't help but feel that sentence like a punch to the gut. _That's because it's true._

 

"Tu fira is very real, Major Alenko," Kolyat stated, quietly. "Very real and very powerful." He stopped, thoughtful. Garrus sensed his mind working, searching for new connections.

 

"What are you thinking, Kolyat?" "In the beginning, I warned the Commander that she was being consumed. When I realized that the memories were not her's, but my father's, I began to see it differently. Now, I begin to think that neither of these ideas was ever exclusive. Her degree of solipsism into this last memory was great enough to be lost within it, enough to refuse to exit it even as things cannot have been the same as the memory. Not until Major Alenko called her attention to himself deliberately, did she return to the present. The degree to which she entered, the power of the memory, it can only be tu fira. I am sure they are both unaware. They are reaching for each other, across the distance." He paused, thoughtful once more. "I wish to apologize to you, Major Alenko, on Commander Shepard's behalf. She was surely unaware of her actions and the extent to which she may have hurt you through them."

 

"I don't need an apology and I don't want one," Kaidan returned, sighing. "I feel like the one who took something that wasn't mine to take. And I have never wanted that--I'm the one who's sorry." He felt like the fires of hell were burning him down from the bottom up. "Commander Joan Shepard," he said her name and title, listening to the way they rang. "I have never wanted anything other than Commander Joan Shepard, but I have never been willing to take something from her that she didn't want to give." He signaled his shuttle and picked up his gear. "Kolyat, tell her I'm sorry. I never wanted to take advantage of her. I'll write to her when we've both had some time to process, but right now I think I had better get off this ship and stay off it." He turned from them and left the room. Moments later, he and his shuttle were gone like they had never been. Garrus and Kolyat remained in the room.

 

"Well," Garrus began.

 

"Well, Spectre Vakarian?" Kolyat returned.

 

"Here comes the tricky part," Garrus finished his thought.

 

Kolyat's eyes blinked solemnly. "Indeed."


	41. Chapter 41

No matter how big a problem was, nothing made for better avoidance of said problem than starting a mission. Joan knew that better than anyone. She had always been able to balance and skirt between career and personal, though there had certainly been times when she hadn't bothered with balance; _when business was personal._ She could use work as a shield and that was exactly what she intended to do. They had been in orbit for 21 hours and now she had assembled two teams in the shuttle bay. The teams were roughly the same, but she had had to replace Alenko with Garrus. _God, Kaidan..._

 

She couldn't deny that the way Garrus had walked her through everything the night before had been...wise. Cautious. And that Kaidan leaving before James even knew he had been on board had been for the best. She hadn't had time to filter through any of it yet. But secrecy for now would buy her time to work it out, and in the meantime she could find out what they had on her at this base.

 

It was the eleventh base that her crew had hit. By now, the Alliance had started putting up better defenses. Each hit took more planning than the one before. Kolyat had done scout work, EDI had run scans, Garrus had pulled every favor and then some and Miranda had worked sabotage. With a demolitions expert like James, they could disable communications throughout the base. A tech expert could create diversions, raising alarms in different sectors, uploading viruses and piles of junk data to gum up the works. There were still mechs and heavy mechs. The Alliance had grown cautious. Kolyat had even spotted mercenary groups that must have been sub-contracted.

 

Shepard signaled to Vega who deployed and detonated a graphite charge. EDI and Miranda began to load the viruses and junk data. Her team dropped in, drawing the mech fire. Kolyat had found high ground and was harassing the mercs. Garrus, who had dropped in with them also provided sniper cover fire. Jack and Falere cleared swathes of opponents, while Shepard remained in reserve. She had become the deadliest heavy weight of the group, her biotic feats dwarfing those of the others. She could lift two heavy mechs and destroy them by clapping them together, often destroying more if she managed to orchestrate a sandwich effect.

 

While fighting raged all around her, Joan strode calmly to the gatehouse, blue-tinted force tearing the reinforced doors from the walls. As her team finished up with the mechs outside, they fell in behind her, covering the exits, one by one. The next group to fall to them were Eclipse mercs, followed by Blue Suns. Ever since having Zaeed on her team, it always tickled her to take down the Blue Suns. Zaeed hadn't been a picnic, but he had come through and she had won his loyalty. _And all it cost was an oil refinery._ He still dropped her a line from time to time. She charged through the Blue Suns leader herself. The charge was lethal.

 

Once they reached the sub-basement, things got more difficult. There they were facing Alliance troops and specialists. It wasn't really a question of the fight, all fights were the same. It was a question of going up against faces and uniforms that were familiar, part of her conditioning recognized them as allies. _Only part_ , she thought as she glanced at James. It wasn't so easy for him. Being Alliance meant a lot to him, and if it wasn't for her, he'd have made a career. _A guy like Vega...? He'd be a decorated veteran in fifteen years...highly decorated._ He was the stuff war heroes were made of; all might and daring. _The scars don't hurt his image either,_ she thought as she cast a veiled but approving glance. She wasn't a hero. She didn't know how anyone had even thought of putting a label like that next to her name. She got it done, whatever it was. Done. In a final and with extreme prejudice sort of way. On the other stations, they hadn't really faced their own and she wondered what it would add up to in debriefing. _And I'm glad Kaidan and Ashley aren't here to see this._

 

Three long corridors ran parallel towards the labs with rooms on both side. She ordered the two teams broken down into three to follow them and clean them out. _No prisoners. Not one survivor, not one witness._ She wasn't interested in interrogating anyone, the data would speak for itself and anyone associated with it would pay. Gunfire echoed through the parallel halls, creating a strangely dance-able rhythm. They met at their rendez-vous point in the labs. EDI was already engaged in search and retrieval, while Miranda was putting up any block she could to prevent remote scrubbing. Garrus immediately entered the mix, checking every data console in the room. Miranda and EDI checked in first. They had isolated the research data, EDI had acquired anything that had not been held back from her memory hardware and deleted the local copy. She joined Garrus where he was furiously hacking a vid-terminal. He had uncovered most of the vid-logs from each facility and the logs had begun to piece together the process.

 

"It's corrupted, Shepard, but I think I've got something," Garrus murmured. "EDI, can you do anything to clean this up?"

 

"I will do what I can, "EDI replied. The screen flickered and crackled as forms began to take shape. Researchers were crowded around the tank where her prototype floated in stasis. It was further along than in some of the facilities, less larval in its appearance. It still lacked skin and hair, but muscles, wire and cable were more sophisticated and the body overall had more mass. Admiral Hackett questioned the researchers.

 

_"And you're sure that no one has begun to suspect the nature of the project?"_

 

_"We are quite sure, sir, we are moving our base of operations every ten days or a maximum of two weeks. It is risky and costly, but we feel the risk and cost are negligible compared to the gain. We have remained undetected by the Council," the first lab coat clad researcher returned._

 

_"And what about Subject 0? I want a status update."_

 

_"As you can see, Subject 0 is continuing to progress, however..."the second, an engineer, began._

 

_"However, what? I told you this project was to remain on schedule by whatever means necessary. I suspended all holds on requisition orders for this project. You have essentially unlimited resources. What's the hold up?"_

 

Admiral Hackett hadn't changed as far as she could see. He was demanding.. _.But fair_. He was always fair before. It seemed he still was to his researchers, just not to her.

 

" _Progress could be faster, but it is very difficult to control Subject 1."_

 

Garrus and Shepard glanced at each other. There was another out there. Somewhere there was another one of her.

 

 _T_ _he researchers indicated to the Admiral to watch the screen of one of the consoles as they pulled up security footage._

 

Shepard swayed and Garrus caught her arm. "Garrus..."Joan grasped for his hand. He found hers and held it tight.

 

_The researchers on screen remained silent as the security footage played. By the quality of the vid, it had obviously been taken at night. The lab was dark aside from the faint glow emitted by the stasis pod that held her. A ventilation shaft cover was lifted from above and silently slid aside before a figure dropped down to the floor with equal stealth. Blending with every shadow, with every darkest place, the figure glided with ghostly precision to the tank. There was no way to make out more than a shadow, but when the figure reached the tank, it stretched out a hand to touch the glass._

 

Joan's hand gripped his harder and Garrus returned the pressure. _It can't be...it just can't be._

 

_Then a voice, low and hushed, murmured something to the glass. Shrinking back into the darkness, it retreated as if the vid were being played in reverse, silently the way it came._

 

"EDI, can you pull that back?" Garrus said. Beside him, Shepard was beyond giving orders. "Bring up the volume and do what you can for the sound quality," he added. EDI complied. The sound popped and skipped, but the words came through clearly enough for the two of them standing closest. "Not yet, Siha. Not yet." The sound crackled, but the voice and words were...

 

"Oh, my God. Thane." Her voice said it in the tiniest whisper he had ever heard.

 

"EDI, wipe this. Everyone out. Extraction in ten minutes." Garrus had been doing a lot of damage control and he knew he'd be doing a lot more before all was said and done. For now, he was just grateful that Vega had been covering an exit. _That's the last thing she or I need._ He brought up the rear, pushing the team from the room before returning to grab Joan's arm to pull her from where she still stood, eyes glazed over in front of the now dormant console. "Move, people!" he shouted, holding her back with him. "Joan. Joanie." He was the only one who called her that. The only person in her whole life. "Joanie, do you need me to slap you again? Come on, come back to me." Her eyes snapped up to meet his. "Good," he acknowledged. "We're going to deal with this, you and me, back on the Normandy. Just you and me. Alright?" She managed a vague nod. "Good. That's good. Now, go do what you do best. Extraction in eight." Rage colored her eyes, even the whites clouding with an unwordable haze. He turned for the door. "In eight and counting, Joan."

 

Then, he started racing down the middle corridor, following the others. Vega noticed that she wasn't with him, but he didn't question it, instead following Garrus to the pick up coordinates. Explosions began to ring through the complex. At first they were one after another, but soon after they accelerated, coming so close together they sounded near simultaneous. The entire refinery burned and crumbled, towers dislocated from the sides of buildings, turrets screaming as they hurtled down from their pirches. The only sounds were those of wreckage and burning until from the rubble, dust and debris began to shift from around a globe of a barrier. Shepard floated eerily over the vast destruction, touching her feet down lightly to silently board the Normandy.


	42. Chapter 42

"Kolyat, Garrus, Captain's Quarters on the double." That was all she said once they were all aboard. He didn't know what they had unearthed this time, but he wasn't invited. _Shit._ She had called in Kolyat and that meant there were more drell questions. _What the hell happened in there?_ He was worried. He knew that the latest news about the prototype hadn't gone over well. It didn't take a genius. He couldn't put his finger on it, but she had been quiet leading up to the drop point. _She needed time alone, looks like she's been using it to think._ That worried him more. He almost wished he hadn't brought it up, but Garrus had been right. They had to play straight. If she decided this wasn't what she wanted, he'd hate it, but if she was straight with him he'd live with it. _Wouldn't be the first time I got my heart broken or the first time I got a tattoo for someone I couldn't keep._ The tattoos were forever, though. He told himself that he was overreacting. One off day after all the stuff she was putting herself through wasn't really that strange.

 

Up in her cabin, Joan was pulling out her reserves. She had a high octane scotch and whatever Garrus might need. Kolyat didn't seem to be much of a drinker, but that didn't matter to her at the moment. They needed to work this out. "Commander Shepard, if this is in regard to the events of last night, I want to assure you that you have my absolute discretion and I will aid you in any way that I can," Kolyat began. Shepard cut him off.

 

"Last night is something I will be dealing with for a long time, but it is of no concern to me at this moment whatsoever," she replied bluntly, while pouring the first round.

 

"Agreed." Garrus had come in behind them and touched Kolyat's shoulder to move past him, taking up his usual seat and downing his glass. Shepard downed hers more quickly and had already refilled.

 

"I don't understand, Commander. What did you discover down in the labs?" He was genuinely disturbed by their behavior. If anything, he had thought this meeting would be the damage control meeting to create cover stories that concurred and he was willing. But whatever had managed to dwarf those events...

 

"Kolyat, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm just going to say it. I saw Thane on one of the research vids." Kolyat kept his face neutral, barely blinking in response.  _I can hardly be surprised at her agitation._ When they met on the Normandy, she had been losing her grip on reality. _  
_

"Commander," he began. "I can only imagine how worrying and stressful this must be for you, but you are falling into further depths of solipsism. The events of last night alone--"

 

"Kolyat--"

 

"Please, Commander. Is this the first time a memory has overlapped with a mission?" If it was, it showed an acceleration of what he already suspected.

 

"Kolyat," Garrus broke in. "It wasn't a memory. I saw him too." He frowned. "At least, I think I did."

 

"Neither of us really saw him, Kolyat, because he was always too good for that. What we saw was moving shadow and a hand on the glass." She paused to swallow another shot. She wasn't trying to get drunk. She was trying to get her hands to stop shaking. "But it was him. It was his voice. I heard him say those words, I--"she broke off, covering her mouth with one hand. She had never told anyone. She had kept these cards close to the vest, always sure that no one would believe her.

 

"Shepard?" Garrus broke in again as she faltered.

 

She drew a shaky breath. "I thought it happened when I threw myself into the particle stream, when I chose synthesis. I thought it happened when I died." She hated herself for not being able to tell them without crying, but before she knew it, her voice had gone ragged and tears were surging down her cheeks. "I saw him for an instant, I was just about to join him and he said--"she coughed and struggled to clear her throat. "He said it--he said, 'Not yet, Siha, not yet.' I heard those words, Garrus, only it wasn't when I died, I was in the tank. I heard those words and then I was traveling. I was...coming back."

 

Kolyat was silent. This changed things for him. Both of them had known it would. He spoke slowly as if collecting each word, one syllable at a time. "Commander, are you saying..."he paused. "Are you saying...?" He couldn't finish. It seemed unthinkable because it was. He was struck dumb.  _Father..._

 

Joan took a rallying breath. "I am saying that I know for certain that there was another subject. There is another prototype of the same series running around." She frowned. "Or at least, there was. And I believe from the security footage that it was Thane."

 

"And what do you say, Spectre Vakarian?" Suspicion was not enough. If they were going to move on this, they would have to have more.

 

"Like Shepard, I only saw moving shadow and a hand. It certainly looked like his work, he was flawless, even in his decline. As for the voice, it sounded like him to me. I'm sorry that we had you covering the landing pad, you might have made a positive identification." He sat thoughtful for a moment. "But it makes sense that it could be him. They knew that the footage they got from Cerberus 'motivated' the prototype. If they wanted to speed things up..."

 

"Yes, but how would they be able to build a second prototype more quickly than the first?"

 

Kolyat had a point, but Garrus countered. "Superior knowledge. They had already been through a lot of trial and error with Shepard."

 

"But Shepard had to be motivated to exist. My father was at peace at the time of his death. Commander, you were there." 

 

Garrus had stopped counting her drinks at ten.  _Unless he was more motivated to return._ His father had done everything necessary to be at peace at the time of his passing, but during his time following Shepard he had learned that there was even more behind what met the eye whenever it came to Thane.  

 

"Yes. I was there." She hadn't said much during this exchange, mostly because she didn't have anything to say. She knew what she saw, she knew what she heard. She had heard those words from the grave. "I know there is another prototype. Even if you don't believe it was him, someone was raised before I was. Someone was out there, an Alliance captive. It's possible they still are." She had dealt with enough "insurance" rackets on the streets. If the Alliance raised him, they'd keep him. And when she got too out of control, they'd parade him in front of her to make her tow the line. _And with all I've been doing, it's only a matter of time._

 

Garrus had been following the same train of thought. "You think they'll use him to get to you, to control you."

 

"I'd bet my life on it, such that it is." Her hands had stopped shaking. "We can't let them get that far. We have to create a diversion, a dozen diversions, a thousand diversions if need be. Anything to confuse them about our intentions. Call Kaidan."

 

"Shepard..." Garrus was unsure. Where was she going with this? _Nowhere safe or easy._

 

"Call Kaidan." She relented at the looks on the two faces staring back at her. "He doesn't have to come aboard and we don't have to talk about it. There's something I have to do, and I'll need his help." She looked down at the table between them for a long moment. "I have to send Lieutenant Vega back to the Alliance."


	43. Chapter 43

Shepard had called him up to her cabin. He had been maintaining some distance for a few days, but he had a feeling he was about to find out what was really going on. When he got there, she was sitting indian style on her bed. When she saw him at the door, she motioned him over to sit with her. He could feel tension in the air, but he knew better than to call her out on it. He was there with her, and that was better than not. He crossed the room and sat on the bed facing her.

 

"You sent for me, Commander?" _Keep it formal. Maybe it'll take some of the pressure off us both._

 

"Yes, I did," she began. She looked thoughful and she was quiet. "I have a lot of things to tell you and I'm not such a hot talker." She smiled wryly. "Only when I'm in command. It's the only time I ever know what to say." She thought back to every diplomatic mission or duty she had ever had and how difficult it was for her to speak with anything other than authority. _I've got a heavy hand._

 

"Shepard, you're my CO. If that's the way you need to talk to me, use it. I don't care, but tell me what you have to tell me." He didn't like reluctance out of her, but he was used to it. He knew he couldn't let her stay quiet too long. He could take anything, even bad news, coming from her. She was real and she didn't bs.

 

"I am your CO." The look in her eyes at that moment took him aback. It was hard. She was a leader and that sometimes meant sending your people to low ground. And her eyes said that she could. _Sacrifice a paun to save a knight?_ Was that was this was about and if so, who was the paun and who was the knight? She paused. Then, with a shake of the head, the look cleared and she continued. "But I shouldn't be." She had a datapad in her lap and she twisted to place it on the nightstand behind her. His eyes couldn't help but follow her body's motion. It was poetry as far as he was concerned. He tried to refocus, but she had already caught him. "Really, Vega?"

 

"You're a tease, Commander. You always were. You think a few days of the cold shoulder would really be enough to cool me down?" He was joking, but only half-joking. It was true. If she gave the slightest hint of invitation, he'd be on her like fresh ink. He didn't want a woman that didn't want him, but nothing with Shepard had ever been black and white. She lived in gray scale. _And that's why the scale is constantly tipping_.

 

"I suppose I am. Must've picked it up from you." Her eyes naturally roamed over him. She knew every inch of him; she didn't need to take his clothes off to know how much she liked what was under them. Flirting with him was still so much fun. She felt so sexy with him. Even his nickname for her made her a little weak in the knees. "Alright, I'm just gonna lay it on the line." She tried to figure out where to begin. "I've kept a lot of stuff from you. Not just you, everyone. And I guess a whole lot of that came to bite me in the ass on this last mission."

 

"Ok. Like what? Don't hold back on my account," he tried to stay casual with his questions. She had been through a lot and she was bound to be guarded about some things. As far as they had come together, it made sense that she hadn't been telling him everything. Years had passed in uncomfortable silence before they had managed to build a bridge and he wasn't about to tear it down over one uncomfortable conversation.

 

"I haven't been totally honest about the memories," she began. "I've let you think that I've got a handle on them, but I don't. I've let you think that I'm not holding back when I am. It's not something I mean to do, or meant to do. But I don't have control of them, not like drell. And in spite of Kolyat's contributions, it doesn't look like I ever will. They come regularly, and to keep you and Thane separate, I'm keeping you and me separate." She paused for a moment before continuing with a certain sadness. "I'm not going to another level with this. I can't have you here with me. One day it'll happen. One day it's all going to collide and I can't handle that." Her eyes started to shine with a glassy pain. "Not with you. I can't handle that with you."

 

He took a deep breath. He didn't want to come across as combative or argumentative or aggressive in any way. He cared about her and nothing she could throw at him was going to scare him off. "Look, I have no problem taking things slow and there's no reason to think, I mean, you don't know that that will ever happ--"

 

She cut him off. "Yes, I do. God, I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you this." It meant a lot to her, the way that he looked at her, whether it was when they were together when he made her feel like she was the hottest thing alive, or when she was leading the group and she felt respected, admired through his eyes. _How is he going to look at me after this?_

 

"Whoa, tell me what, Lola?" Suddenly, she was a different person. Glimpses of her vulnerability were one thing; they were beautiful, but this was different. She looked... _she looks like she lost a war._

 

"It can happen, it will happen and I can't control it." Her voice raised before she covered her mouth with her hand. "It can and it will," she finished quietly. Softly. _Helplessly_.

 

"Just say it, Lola. Whatever it is, just be straight with me. I've been straight with you." He had slipped seamlessly into informality. There wasn't much that he wouldn't forgive when it came to her, but dragging it out of her like this was making it seem like it was going to be a tall order.

 

"I know. I know. And I'm trying. I'm trying to give that back to you, but it doesn't seem like much of a favor." She took a breath. "I'm just going to say it as fast as I can. I had a memory, Kaidan walked in on it and I wound up sleeping with him."

 

"WHAT?!" _That son of a bitch_. It had never been alright, the way he looked at her, never--and then he just happened to be in the neighborhood? _How convenient._

 

"It's not what you think. I--"she began, but this time he cut her off. He was pissed.

 

"The hell it isn't. You had a memory of Thane and he, what, just walked in and took advantage of that?" _He's a dead man_. Lines were blurring for him. She had been violated as a kid, by the Alliance when they raised her and now this. He understood where she was coming from, he felt sick that he might have done the same thing unknowingly. But they had something going on and that had to count for something. There was nothing going on with Kaidan and Shepard. _Wait, why's she defending him?_

 

"No. No. Don't you get it? That's how bad this is! I talked with him. I had a conversation I didn't know was happening. Yes, I was in solipsism at the time, but I didn't come out of it." She tried to calm herself enough to just lay out the facts. "Kaidan couldn't have duplicated a conversation I had with Thane. He was in one conversation with me while I was in another with Thane. I didn't notice the difference. I didn't come out of solipsism...I didn't wake up." She sighed. "Kaidan's only crime was wanting too badly to believe me. God, it's so fucked up."

 

"Got it. Is that all?" He needed to get out of this cabin. It wasn't the thing with Kaidan that bothered him--well, it bothered him--but, she had explained that and when he thought about it, if she was out to cheat he knew that Major Alenko wasn't a candidate. In theory, he wasn't mad that she had tried to keep the memories apart. They were in some kind of relationship and not wanting something this fucked up to happen between them was understandable...sort of. _It could have just as easily been me._ The idea still turned his stomach. _But it all comes back to Thane...I guess it always will and I don't know if I can live with that._

 

"I wish," she whispered, looking up at the ceiling.

 

 _Fuck, there's more?_ He didn't know how much he could take. Unable to make eye contact, she went on with her eyes closed. "On the last mission, we uncovered a security vid...I have no proof, but I would stake my life on it. I saw Thane in that vid. I swear I didn't know about this, I swear. I believe that the Alliance raised Thane successfully before they raised me. I told you I wouldn't raise him, but I didn't have to. He's out there." Tears slipped out of her closed eyes. He couldn't help but wonder at that. Was it joy? Sadness? Confusion? Hope? _Would she cry for me like that if it was turned around? Is she crying for me now?_

 

He was silent for a few minutes. He didn't know what to say. This was about more than just the two of them. Thane was a squad mate, a brother in arms, and if his brother was in trouble, they all had to get on it. _But he's also Thane._ "What are you trying to say, Lola? You got to be real clear with me right now, because I don't know what you're asking."

 

"I've talked with Kolyat. A lot. He thinks there's a lot of new possibilities to the passenger theory. It is possible that Thane introduced the genetic variation deliberately, either to communicate or to drive me in the right direction. It is possible that Thane was planning an escape for both of us, an escape that was held up by the lack of progress on me, my prototype. It is possible that Thane is still in Alliance hands, to be used against me at such time as the Alliance deems it necessary. What I am asking you--"she broke off. When she started again, he could hear his Commander. It wasn't a command, more like a feeler, but still. "What I am asking you is that you take a pardon from Spectre Alenko and return to the Alliance."

 

"Whoa. Is that how this is supposed to go? You want to send me back? To what? To try salvage my career and honor or to clear the way for you?" Now he was really pissed. Did she really think she could just sweep him, sweep them under the carpet? They were something, no one could deny it. No. He wasn't going quietly.

 

"I'm sorry, James. But it's worse than it sounds. Salvage your career if you can, if you want--that's one option open to you, but I want you there as my operative. I want you running interference while I try to get Thane out of Alliance hands." She halted. "It's bad. It's bad what I'm asking you, but I've got to ask it. There's no one else in the right position. Even if I could put our past aside, he's all they have on me. They've got me on a leash as long as they have him squirreled away somewhere. A leash. I don't know much right now, but they can't have that. The Alliance cannot have that!" She paused. "There's a lot I might never say to you. You may walk out of here not knowing so many things, and I've got no way to say it all." She was trying to gather her thoughts. "In the vid-comms Thane sent me, the ones I never got while I was in lock down, he mentioned something the drell call Tu Fira...when one is consumed by another. I'm disappearing. I either find Thane, or find an early grave, because I will fall further and further into solipsism until I can't come out, not even to finish the business I've got. You won't know me anymore then, I can promise you. I've been thinking about fairness a lot lately. Not much in my life has been fair, and this is about the most unfair thing I can think of yet. I awakened Thane from his battle sleep and we got lost in each other. He died, I died. It seemed like neither of us could wait to die. Each returned to life, but only one knew of the other. I returned in a battle sleep. You were the one to wake me and whatever I still had was yours." She tried to steady her eyes, but he could see them trembling with emotion. "And that's the most unfair thing, because you deserved more. And what was left was never going to be enough. You weren't an interim thing. You were important. You are important."

 

He bowed his head a little. He heard the truth in it. Hell, he felt the truth in it. Her half-way or quarter-way was just a lot more than most people's all. He had found some way to be satisfied with it. When he looked up, she was crying. She hadn't made a sound, she kept a hand hard over her mouth, and stifled the sobs that were shaking her ribcage. For a moment he could see 13 year old Shepard, violated and alone, trying to be invisible. _No chance of that,_ he thought. He saw her. Even now, he loved seeing her. "That's a lot you just handed me, Lola. You're going to have to give me some time and space to process that before I can give you an answer." Not releasing her mouth, she nodded before listing to fall to one side on the bed. He wanted nothing more but to go to her, hold her, tell her it would be okay, but he knew he was in no position to do that. _I've got to get my head together before I try anything._ He turned for the door, hitting the button for the crew deck in the elevator.


	44. Chapter 44

Garrus was in his usual spot in the main battery. He liked guns. He knew guns. They were methodical, predictable, maintainable. He had always tried to keep Shepard's guns ahead of the curve. At this point, he reasoned, he had spent enough time with them that they were like old friends. He could see age, maturity, improvement. Checking the calibrations was like a conversation and it relaxed him. _Something has to._ The whole business had turned into such a mess and he felt for everyone involved. _And Thane is somewhere, probably in cryo or some stasis pod_...that was shit. The Alliance brought him back to life as a tool, they were probably keeping him in suspended animation as a tool--they had wanted a tool and he could only imagine the penalty Thane had received for being a man.

 

Just then the doors opened for Vega. _He looks like hell. Guess she told him_. Garrus sighed. This was shit too. He offered James a seat as he slid out from his place by the main gun. "I'm not going to pretend I don't know what's going on," he began. He owed him that much. "I'm sorry."

 

"Yeah, thanks, you're a real pal," he muttered. He felt like a fool and he felt like he had been set up to be the fool.

 

Garrus choked a little on that. He didn't blame James for bitterness and frustration. A week ago, he had been beaming whether he knew it or not. Even his battle persona had been... _shinier, somehow._ "Well, if I'm not, what are you doing here?"

 

What was he doing here? _He's the turian big brother._ He knew where Garrus's loyalties lay. "When you put it that way, I don't know. Just forget it." He rose and started for the door.

 

"Come on, Lieutenant. Take a load off. No need to be so literal." He didn't really expect James to resume his seat, but he was glad he did. "So what did she say?"

 

"I thought you said you knew what was going on." Vega was getting sharper for the company he was keeping. Less and less was getting past him. _Playing with the Spectres might turn you into a Spectre one day._ It wasn't a bad thought...Garrus would consider submitting a recommendation.

 

"I do, tactically. I know she's asking you to go back to the Alliance and I found the research vid that contained the security footage. I'm not as up on the...personal aspect." _If he goes through with that, he's getting more than my recommendation. He'll have my insistence at his back._

 

"Do you think it's him?" He couldn't help but have his doubts. He was crazy about Shepard, but she was dealing with a lot of stuff, drell memories included. _Could she have been confused or...not lucid?_ Part of him wondered if it was for real.

 

"Mmm. I do. I wish I could give you better news." He still didn't know how to feel about the latest turn of events. All he knew was that Shepard couldn't be led around like that and the Alliance was a pack of fools if they thought they could.

 

"Goddamn." He felt like all the wind had gone out of his sails. He was in a tough position. On the one hand, Thane having been raised before Shepard explained a lot of things, maybe even how the memories got there in the first place. It actually made the mess more sane, somehow. On the other hand, he felt like a fool. He had gotten involved, let himself go too far emotionally. _And now..._ he couldn't even finish the thought coherently.

 

"What's the worst part for you?" Garrus asked. It was always best to strip emotions down, see them for what they were. Truth might hurt, but it was just the truth.

 

"What? I get to choose?" he scoffed lightly. "The worst part is being afraid I'll wind up like Kaidan...crazy about her forever, trying to stay away from her, always praying it'll change. I mean, it's stupid, right? Even if it did change, it won't change. A part of her will always be his."

 

Garrus shook his head. "I'm pretty sure Kaidan has made the realization that it's not going to change for him. They had a past. Maybe now he's actually free to see a future beyond it." He frowned as he thought about it. Vega used a lot of possession words when it came to Shepard. "Let me ask you something. What's more important? Being with Shepard or having Shepard, 100%?"

 

"What do you mean, 'being with her or having her'? What's the difference?" He knew Garrus was trying to help, but playing word games with a grunt marine wasn't helping.

 

"Oh, there's a difference. And you should think about it." _Or you should have thought about it._ He didn't know if the answer mattered at his point, but he thought of Vega as a friend now--not a friend like Shepard, but still a friend. And he didn't like watching his friends suffer. "Being with someone and having someone are very different. They can even be mutually exclusive. You can enjoy being with someone and not have them, or have someone you don't enjoy being with. Take a minute. Let that simmer." He got up and returned to the control panel on the main gun.

 

Garrus was right about it, it was different. He had had girls, had them right where he wanted them and he had held them at arms length. They'd be there when he wanted their company, but he only wanted so much of their company. And then there was Shepard. He had missed her so much during the time they weren't talking and he had wanted nothing more than to get back to the way they were before. "You're right, Garrus. It is different and being with Shepard is more important. But I can't go backwards now. If we hadn't come this far, maybe I could, but I don't see how I can be satisfied with less than I've had. She's a one man woman. You know that."

 

"Well, she certainly was before now...but no one could have foreseen this. I remember Thane's last fight like it was yesterday; every detail, every mistake. I was there when the sword went through, Vega. I didn't even think he'd make it to say goodbye, but he did...and now he's gone even further. He wanted to come back--for him to be raised before her?...he wanted it real bad. I don't have all the answers, James. Who could, in this situation? But Shepard's at the edge of her breaking point." _What the hell is that supposed to mean?_ Garrus's voice continued in its reasonable tone."I'm just saying, you have to think about what exists and what you want from it."

 

"What do you mean by 'breaking point', Garrus?" He had seen a lot in a short amount of time and one thing he knew. He did not want to see her break.

 

Garrus sighed. "Everyone has one, Vega, even Shepard." If she had finally reached it, it had been a long time coming. _If we don't get to Thane in time..._


	45. Chapter 45

"I'll do it." That was all he said before turning his back. It wasn't personal, he just wasn't interested in gratitude or whatever. He had thought a lot about what Garrus had said. Shepard was going to go it her way regardless and he wasn't about trying to own her. No man had those kind of rights and no man should. It was more important to be _with_ her, and now being _with_ her meant standing aside and doing his part. _I can't stand by and watch you break, Lola...not if there was something I could've done to stop it._ Getting off the elevator, he strode calmly but quickly to the corner that had been his quarters.

 

He looked around his bunk in the shuttle bay. This was the second time he had packed it all up in two Alliance issue duffles. _All up to code and better than I got it._ He hoisted the bags onto the table, turning back to tighten the corners on the bed. The sound of the elevator doors announced a visitor. He was expecting her in a way. They had linked up with Alenko's ship ten minutes ago. In another ten minutes, the whole plan would roll into action and there'd be no turning back. He turned to find her standing behind him, a hesitance drawn in her features.

 

He chuckled. "Who's laying the ambush here, Lola?" _Goddamn,_ he thought as his mind wandered onto sweeter subjects, _you don't need to sneak up on me...you'll always have the drop._ He was trying to put her at ease, but he knew his eyes were snaking up her flanks.  It wasn't fair, the way she looked poured into every uniform.  _Goddamn._  He didn't like hesitance from her--he didn't want her tiptoeing around him like he was a volcano set to blow every second. He was a big boy. She may have asked for this, but he had agreed and he knew what he was doing. 

 

"I'd say I just got out-maneuvered," she replied with a wry laugh. 

 

"I doubt that, Lola." He said it softly and with a smile.  _You can wrap me around your finger whenever you want...and you don't even know it, do you?_ Her glassy, unnatural eyes met his. She opened her mouth to speak. Afraid that she was about to thank him, he cut her off. "I'm glad you stopped by before...well, I was hoping for a dance before I ship out. You know, could be a while." He turned on a small radio, finding a human station playing ancient oldies from Earth, then he winked as he held out a hand. She looked at him quizzically, but she gave him her hand and he twirled her into an old fashioned step, silently thanking his aunt Celia for forcing him to learn. 

 

He tried to focus on how good holding her simply like that felt and to ignore the weight in his chest. She handled well. Dancing with her was like driving a sports car. She followed his lead with a combination of sensitivity and agility...all just parts of her. Involuntarily, he folded his lead arm around hers so she was pulled in to his chest, his nose at her hairline. Their steps slowed to be no kind of step at all, swaying more and more, grinding slowly to a halt. They were no longer cheek to cheek; her forehead met his. He felt drunk and out of his depth, the whole ship seeming to teeter around them. _Lola_. She was always going to be Lola. He was breathing her breath, their noses brushing over each other's faces as they sensed the heat behind the breath, the pulse rushing warmth into their lips. Everything went out of focus as hot parted lips locked and seared, arms tightening. _Damn it_ _, Lola_. This was what it was and what it had been. This kiss was everything--the warmth, the passion, the intensity and the home coming, and he let it take them. If it was the last, he was letting it go as far as it could--and he'd take it with him. He'd carry it sealed in black on his ribs. Arms closed and glued, lips melded and sucked, tongues collided and tied. He felt her knees go weak and he crushed her even closer, pushing to the very edge. Then slowly and reluctantly he released her. "Promise me something, Lola," he breathed against her face that he singed with molten kisses. "Promise me that when all this is said and done, you won't settle for anything less than that." He didn't know how he did it, but he managed to step away from her and turn his back, silently cuing her to leave.

 

Ten minutes later, they met in the conference room to set the stage. Alenko was there with orders from both the Council and High Command. Joan refused them, laughed at them, and destroyed the datapad which relayed them. Alenko warned her that her actions would have repurcussions. She laughed at that too before breezing out like a hurricane. Garrus left with Alenko. He loaded himself into an escape pod. From inside it he could feel the FTL drive powering up. He'd have to get the timing just right. _Wait for it. 5,4,3,2..._ he initiated the eject sequence. He was out on "1". Kaidan's ship was waiting to pick him up and the Normandy... _and Shepard..._ was gone.


	46. Chapter 46

"Shepard, are you sure this is going to work?" Garrus was shoulder to shoulder with her when the FTL engaged. He had signaled his own ship to meet them in the Traverse. His turn was coming. In terms of his part of the mission, he had no qualms or concerns. In terms of leaving her behind on the Normandy... _"Joanie..."_ he could still hear himself calling her back from her trance on the last Alliance base. He didn't like it.

 

"It'll work." Her voice pierced his thoughts with its conviction. She was confident--the most confident she had ever been. Her decisions had considered everyone but included no one. Not one player knew the plan in its entirety. Garrus knew the most, but he could also handle the most. The others were better off not knowing in case they were caught. That, and their surprise would be authentic when the whole thing started to come together. A mischievous smirk played at the corners of her mouth. 

 

"I hope you know what you're doing, Joanie," he murmured, careful that only she could hear. He wished he could share her confidence. She was playing her cards close to the vest, but he had a sense of some of the risk she would be taking, and she would be taking most of it alone... _like always._   He sighed. "And Vega?" he asked.

 

"He'll do his part or he won't. It's better for him if he doesn't. I know he's strong and he's got good intentions, but he's a soldier--an Alliance soldier--not an infiltrator or a saboteur..."

 

"None of that matters though. Not really. He's doing it for you. He'll get it done." She was silent, a brief film glazing her eyes. He wouldn't let her forget the truth or rationalize it away. He knew the lieutenant went because she needed him to, and he wasn't going to turn coat. "He's in and he's going to do whatever it takes."

 

"Then for his sake, his and everyone else's, we had better succeed," she answered grimly.

 

He had sent his distress call, Kaidan's ship being the only one within range. His pod had been neatly plucked from the sky and now sat empty in a different shuttle bay. He observed his new surroundings. Alenko's vessel was more of a dreadnought than the Normandy. The Montgomery had half the FTL core and double the guns. It had to be that way though. The Council knew what Major Alenko was good for--the Turian made ship they gave him reflected that. Now James was on his way up to talk to his new CO. That idea made his blood boil. He believed Shepard and he was willing to go some serious distance for her, but this really was a tall order. His knuckles had been aching for a chance to pound Alenko's face past all recognition...and now he was going to have to play the game.


	47. Chapter 47

_Shepard._..she had put him up to this. He didn't know why, he only knew how. She could have asked him for seven galaxies and he would have made it happen--anything to feel less sick. Instead she asked for Spectre authorized pardon for Lt. Vega...then they had staged his defection so the Alliance might take him back. They'd keep him under lock and key for a while, but if he did right he'd be back on track in no time. Vega had walked--that much was clear. What was less clear was how voluntary it was. He had never wanted to ruin anything for Joan, but he had never wanted Lt. Vega anywhere near her. He rubbed his eyes trying to clear images from his head. It was all getting jumbled up and the low grade headache he was running wasn't doing much for his professional focus.

 

He had decided to take Vega's "statement" in his private quarters. The less his crew knew, the better. He owed her, but they didn't. He'd keep them clean. He thought he had found a way past his resentment for the lieutenant, especially after the ill-fated night with Shepard--even a way to sympathize with him, but the fist on the door key and the black expression that advanced into his quarters put a decided halt on any such progress. _Looks like we're still busy hating each other's guts._

 

"You and me got business. Let's get this over with." They had to do the whole official thing over vid-comm. He had made a written statement incriminating Shepard for every base hit. He claimed he had waited for an opportunity to defect and report--an opportunity he saw and took when he had seen Major Alenko on board the Normandy. Now, aboard the Montgomery, he surrendered himself to the Council and Alliance High Command and prepared to turn evidence--to do anything and everything to salvage his career. Alenko confirmed it, reitterating a report he had already made concerning the meeting they had staged. The screen flickered blank as Admiral Hackett signed out.

 

Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose. _And then there were two._ From the time Shepard had raised him on a secure comm channel, he had known this was coming. The icy throb humming in his head had been there for near-sleepless days. Part of him felt he deserved it--whatever he had coming to him--so when she asked, he agreed. _I'll never be done_ , he thought. _I'll never be done trying to make this right._ He was used to headaches. It drove some of the L2s mad. He just tried to let the pain fade into the background and otherwise devote every ounce of concentration to maintaining all of his powers of function. He had even learned not to flinch.

 

He glanced at Vega. The lieutenant's rib cage stretched wide and contracted narrow. The breaths were slow but deep. He knew the type...the type that was actually calmest before a fight. _He's taking his time_. That was a fighting tactic, too. _I'm on his clock now and he's going to make me wait._

 

"You gonna look at me?" James demanded. He hadn't raised his voice, but it also hadn't been a question. "I need some answers."

 

Something between a sigh and a bitter chuckle escaped Kaidan as he responded," I wish I had them."

 

"You've got them," Vega paused, his voice dropping, "and you owe me." He hadn't thought it before he heard himself say it, but it was true. He considered congratulating his CO. Major Alenko got exactly what he wanted. _He got right in between us, Lola._

 

"I do." _Just own it_. "I know it's not worth much, but I'm sorry." He didn't think anyone would believe him the was Garrus had, but it was the truth. Nothing had ever made him sorrier. He didn't need drell memory to relive the other night. When he shut his eyes to try to sleep, he would hear her voice in the darkness, all sultry with want. He would hear her telling him how she loved him, how she missed him, awakening passion and obsession he had desperately tried to bury. _I should have known...I should have known it was too good to be true._ Pain splintered from right to left; temple to temple, eye to eye. A sharp bitter laughter bounced around him from across the room accompanied by ironic applause; a cacophany that nearly upset his balance. The joyless sounds fell abruptly silent.

 

"You know...Major..." he began,"You've got a lot to live up to. I'm used to way less bullshit from my commanding officer."

 

Kaidan felt the double dig. He was Major Alenko now, but he was still the second human Spectre. And he was sure that Joan's explanation had been to-the-point with no frills. _Merciless._ He could still feel her pressed against him, hands running everywhere. "It's the truth, Lieutenant," _since two can play,_ he thought to himself. "Whatever she said is the truth. I've got nothing to add." He kept seeing her face in the moment of recognition. Pain stabbed again and again with frozen precision. It got worse whenever he thought about it. His left eye twitched, but he didn't wince.

 

James didn't notice. He was reaching the edge of his limits; his patience and his temper. The quiet resignation, the burden of pathos or whatever it was--this martyrdom was making him see red. His knuckles itched where they had managed to buckle together after the beating he had given the bag. "You don't get to have this, okay? You don't get to be the victim with me. You wanted her and you _took_ her." Now he was raising his voice and he didn't like it. This wasn't some toy they were fighting over. This was Shepard; Shepard who quietly, haltingly but honestly told him her past folded in his arms, Shepard who had had to hide until she became hard and strong, Shepard who always came out swinging.. _.Lola._..Lola, whose passion haunted him from the first kiss to the last. _Fuck._ "I saw the way you looked at her, the way your eyes were always following her," he dropped his voice again. "I saw the way you hated me--for fuck's sake, don't deny it!"

 

Vicious claws dug into his brain with an intensity he could only liken to the feeling of hot water poured over frost-bitten fingers; a sudden white-hot shock. His knees buckled and he caught himself on the table. He still only appeared to be leaning forward. "That's true, too," he muttered. "I don't deny anything. I'm sorry." He had the feeling Vega wasn't listening and that he also wasn't done.

 

"She chose me, but you managed to get in the middle--" he was interrupted by Alenko.

 

"Not me..." Kaidan felt himself struggling to form words.

 

"No--not you. Me." James was furious.

 

"Not..." he halted as soon as he had begun, unable to finish the thought.

 

For the first time since his anger had begun to boil over, he looked at Alenko. He was as white as his knuckles gripping the table; veins in his hands, neck and forehead bulging and pulsing. His grip failed as more of his weight collapsed. An eerie growling followed by a full voiced scream saw him saw him lying on his side banging his head against the floor. Vega didn't think, he just his the comm button. Minutes later the ship's doctor was delivering a series of injections. The team with her strapped Kaidan to a cot and prepared to move him to the Montgomery's MedBay. He was losing consciousness but James heard him call out to him.

 

"Lieutenant..."Alenko grabbed his arm and he leaned in to hear the voice that was rasping like a night wind on a glass pane. "Not me..."he repeated,"...not you..."he was fading,"...Thane. I'm sorry...Thane." Lt. James Vega felt his anger ebb away softly. The words rolled around in his head and chest making both want to burst at the seams. The hold on his arm was still firm but falling away by degrees as the pharmaceutical cocktail began to send Major Alenko away from his pain. He let his hand fall to his CO's shoulder. Like it or not, they were brothers now. Brothers fought, sometimes they even fall in love with the same girl. Major Alenko's eyes rolled back and started to fall, tears slipping from them as they shuttered themselves off. James felt for him and realized for the first time how right Shepard had been. None of it had been fair and that all had to go to one side. They all had a job to do.


	48. Chapter 48

He was not Garrus--never had been. He was not an infiltrator. Some of it, though, he figured had to be common sense. He had to distance himself from Shepard and the whole crew of the Normandy--past and present. Alenko had done what he could to lend him some credibility. He hadn't turned him over right away, commandeering him under Spectre authority for a series of Council missions. And he in turn had acquitted himself admirably, both as a collaborator and as a prisoner. Alenko also had his reputation as a war hero, a straight-shooter--in no way the law warping menace Shepard could be. _Lola._..by now everyone knew. She was officially rogue with a dozen Spectres hunting her and the Normandy...Garrus included.

 

He hadn't been put back on any kind of duty, but he heard rumors. Popular thought on the Citadel was that a rift had opened up in the historic friendship due to Shepard's ever more brutal methods...but he didn't see that happening. He knew her well enough to guess. _No. She's just getting him out clean so he can do something else._ Out of common sense, he chose to uphold the rumors. He spent nights at Purgatory with his buddies or gambling down with the grunts in the docking bay. An asari dancer at Purgatory had set her sites on him so eventually he had taken the hint and the offer. It had been hard at first, taking on a casual thing like that just to throw more sand on his tracks, but he got used to it--the double life. _Public. Private. Separate._ He didn't know if he was doing a good job or not. _No real basis to judge_ , he thought. He kept asking himself what Garrus or Shepard would do in his place, not Alenko. He needed a looser moral compass for this detail. For better or worse, his case was finally up for review.

 

Somewhere out in the Armstrong Nebula, Joan Shepard passed her hand across her forehead. She had no communication with anyone she had dispatched. She had known it would be like this. _Flying blind...all the way._ Vega, Alenko, Vakarian...she only had the agreements they had made. They'd all be feeling in the dark and they'd all have to remain flexible for it all to work out. For her part, she had finished with the bases-- _every last goddamn one of them._ They were all lifeless piles of rubble now and with each she had grown more and more reckless. All part of the master plan. She had Spectres crawling out of every star system in the galaxy, but this was her last run for a while. Her PR suicide campaign was about to take a rest for awhile as soon as she finished this regular plain old package drop. If all went according to plan, the package's ride would be there just in time to catch the core flash...t _he Normandy's equivalent of dust._

 

"Turian vessel sighted, Commander," EDI announced from the bridge.

 

"Smoke 'em, Joker." She peered out across Joker's chair. She had just enough time to recognize the ship. She smiled into the Mass Relay. All was according to plan.

 

 


	49. Chapter 49

"Major Alenko, your service to the Council and your credit to humanity aside," the Salarian Dalatrass began," Do you really believe that the Council can afford to turn a witness of this value back to the Alliance?"

 

This was the hardest part. Kaidan knew how to bluff, in fact, it was a skill he had honed since becoming a Spectre, but the Council was sharp--sharper than the Council that had gone up in the destruction of the Destiny's Ascension.

 

"I do, Councilor. Lt. Vega defected from the Normandy directly after I went under Council authority to bring Spectre Shepard to heel. She was going too far. Vega was the conscience of the crew."

 

Before he could summon more of his slightly rehearsed testimony, the Turian Councilor interjected. "Given your own history with Commander Shepard, I am surprised you did not recuse yourself from testimony--"

 

"With all due respect, Councilor," _That is off limits._ He went on,"that history is ancient."

 

"And **_everybody_** knows that." Garrus Vakarian strode up to the Council board. _The Alliance is in attendence as well...good._ "It's old news. If a brief affair was cause to recuse one's self, I'd just have to retire."

 

 _Garrus._ Kaidan was glad to see him. They could play good Spectre, bad Spectre all day. They'd run circles around the Council. _And the Alliance._

 

"Spectre Vakarian, you test the patience of the assembly and you are not on the list of witnesses for this hearing," the Asari Councelor reminded him.

 

"So?" was the nonchalant reply.

 

"SO?!" the Turian ambassador thundered.

 

"Now, now. Don't get upset. I'm just here to save you some pomp, time and expense." In a theatrical murmur that everyone could hear, he added,"I know, it's the last thing you wanted to hear." Garrus's swagger had captured the attention of every onlooker. Even Kaidan and James were hanging on every word, and neither of them had any idea of what might come next. "Lt. Vega can be sent back to active duty..."he paused for dramatic effect,"now that Commander Shepard has been taken into custody."

 

 _What the fuck?!_ James had been standing silent trying to let the better talkers do the talking and otherwise look unintelligent and inoffensive; _like a good grunt marine. Do NOT turn around,_ he told himself, though he allowed himself a glance at Kaidan. The Major also refused to turn, instead exchanging glances with Garrus and the assembly.

 

Flanked on both sides by heavier Turian steps, Commander Joan Shepard mounted the stairs to meet the Council and Alliance representatives amid a wave of whispers and murmurs--all rumbling and hissing from every corner. Her eyes did not meet Vega's, Alenko's or Vakarian's, but flashed defiantly above them; their turquoise popping from the black fringe of her lashes in pure fury with her head held high as the Council madly called for order.


	50. Chapter 50

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aww, man. Chapter 50! I can't believe my twisted mind let this get this far. Anyway, I hope everyone reading has been enjoying it so far. I am hoping to wrap it up in not too many chapters. I know the ending, the only problem is getting there.

Garrus's coup of delivering Shepard in shackles had worked--he was back on duty and back in the N7 program. He kept trying to keep up appearances, but something about knowing how close Shepard was and how she was rotting in a cell made it all more difficult.

 

"Who _was_ Lola, anyway?" Shalaira asked, casually. She was a good kid. _Good kid._  She had him feeling like an old man half the time. She was a kid by Asari standards. He was practically robbing the cradle in spite of being born the same year. Her father had been some Alliance type, died in the war a few months shy of retirement. She was only 30 when she lost him. He figured some big time daddy issues basically accounted for her attraction to him, but her youth had been part of why he had taken her on. Asari her age usually didn't choose a bond mate, they were just out there exploring the universe and having fun. In any case, public and private were separate, so Lola was none of her business.

 

"Jealous?" he teased, hoping she'd be pissed off enough to throw a pillow in his face and storm out full of petulant wrath. She had done it before, only to call him in the morning to apologize. Not that it ever bothered him when she walked out.  _Probably the reason why she always calls._ He always slept better when she wasn't around.

 

"She got prime real estate. Should I be?" She hadn't gotten mad which meant she wasn't leaving tonight.

 

"Nah, not really." _The best way to lie is always to tell the truth._ He was finding that to be the case more and more. "She was special, but I never set things right. She died. She's gone, no setting it right now. Can we stop talking about this?" Asari were sensitive, and she was extra sensitive about people dying too soon. She dropped the subject like a hot rock.

 

He got up from the bed, yanking on a pair of shorts and went to grab a glass of water. It didn't help that Shala had brought her up. Shepard had been on his mind since his case review. He hadn't looked at her at the hearing, but he had sensed her; her terrible live vibration and her perfect warm autumn scent.

 

_"Commander Shepard, you are hereby--"_

 

_"Joker, cut this channel."_

 

_"Commander Shepard--"_

 

_"Damn, you're still here. That usually works...and here I was hoping this was all a colorful, rhapsodic dream..."_

 

_"Commander Shepard, if you think this is some kind of joke--"_

 

_"It is a joke. You're a joke. The Alliance is a joke. I've been running circles around you for over a year now and the only one of your people to manage anything against me is a guy from my own team. None of you is even competent to push a pen, let alone run the galaxy, so yeah--this is a joke. Take this mockery of a trial and shove it. Put me in a cell, throw away the key and try me in abstentia. I'm done listening and I'm done talking."_

 

Her voice had cut straight through the whole assembly, even in that moment when they thought they were finally in control of her. She never looked at any of them--the ones who knew her, _the ones who love her..._  and then she was sent from the room. Garrus explained that he had trapped her on world. The Normandy and a skeleton crew had escaped. No one had come anywhere near a sighting since. _Fuck, Lola._ What was she doing? The only person he had any contact with was Alenko, Alenko only had limited contact with Garrus. No one was in contact with Shepard, who was being housed in solitary, or the remaining crew of the Normandy. There was no one he could ask, so he just kept going; trying to gain Alliance trust, trying to get the lay of the land, trying to figure out how to do what he'd been sent to do. Sighing, he pulled up his personal messages. He knew everything was still monitored. Most of it was junk anyway...he sort of missed the genophage, he had enjoyed the testicle transplant promotions in his incoming. A new message flashed on the screen from an unidentified sender. He frowned slightly before clicking. As soon as it opened, the encrypted message filled his entire screen with one word. Joan. _Lola. What the fuck is this?_ He heard a rustling behind him and closed the folder. A blue hand came to rest on his shoulder. He took it and kissed it, pausing to lean his face against it.

 

"Anything important?" Shalaira purred. She was naked, leaning over so her skin would brush his. _She's always naked._

 

"Nah, nothing. Just junk," he replied.


	51. Chapter 51

They had all been trying to play it like business as usual for months. Alenko had resumed his normal activities aboard the Montgomery, just as he had aboard the Valluvian. Vega had been reinstated with limited clearance, but that was all he had been able to see done before distancing himself. He hoped the lieutenant would figure it out on his own, but he felt like he was leaving him in the lurch. In a lot of ways, Vega was not only a friend, but also his own operative that he had been mentoring. He also felt the plan was dead in the water with none of them able to communicate with each other, so he had released his crew for a little shore leave. _But now with Joan in prison..._

 

He didn't have any idea how she planned to mastermind anything from inside, but he also didn't know what the rest of the crew were doing with the Normandy still at large. When he picked her up on world, she told him the bases were exhausted and there was no more sign of Thane. They had found one other security vid that appeared to show the "last straw" moment that fated him for confinement, but they had found no indication of where he might be. She had to go in, she said. So he took her in. And now he was stuck.

 

Vega had taken up with one of the dancers at Purgatory and that was a more useful move than he had expected. All he had to do was find another, and they'd be relaying messages through gossip. That proved difficult, but between his history and Shepard's, he eventually got the attention of one of the older girls. She was the one he wanted in a lot of ways. All the younger ones looked up to her, and she wasn't really a dancer. He knew that, but they didn't. _Takes one to know one...Spectre..._ He didn't know who she was, but he knew what she was and why she was there. She was working her own detail, one where she needed to hear everything; and people said a lot of things while tipping...or sharing tips about g-strings. It only took ten days for him to get his first message.

"Shalaira says there's some kind of virus going around everybody's mail on the Citadel. Her boyfriend's account was one of the first to go down. 'He just clicked on it and nothing but four-letter words all across the screen.' He's been moody ever since, it's all she talks about. I suppose you Spectres are operating on more secure channels," she teased. She was giving him a semi-private show at his table. He smiled. _ **We** are, my dear._ He liked Narele, if that was her name...he really liked her. They were both aware of one another, but they kept doing the dance anyway. He glanced from the upstairs bar down to where Vega was standing by the lower bar. Their eyes met for an instant for contact they quickly broke. _So...someone's trying to get out a message, and they're trying through Vega._ It was enough.

 

"Someone should tell the kid to take some tech courses in the N7. Then a little bug like that would be no problem for him." The next day, Vega had enrolled in the tech division; decryption, hacking and sabotage. _Keep going like that and I'll make you a Spectre, Vega._

 

He wasn't a tech expert, but thanks to Garrus he didn't have to be. He'd learn what he could, but the tech department came with a higher level of clearance and access to actual tech experts. He could pick their brains all he wanted, he'd just look like another N7 cadet. He wasn't able to figure out who sent the message, but he was able to track it and it had bounced all over the galaxy before coming to him. That left him two educated guesses: _either that message came from the Normandy...or from Thane._ Either way, it looked like someone was insisting. _They want me to get to her, find out something about her...fuck, I don't know._

 

The days kept rolling by, but he couldn't see any alternative. He couldn't play boy scout for a few months then ask the Alliance to give him access to a high security solitary confinement prisoner. He rubbed his face, glad to be alone. He overslept his alarm and was shouted out of bed by his NCO. In the end, all his worrying over it didn't matter. Commander Shepard had been granted visiting rights. Council intereference with Alliance code. Apparently it was considered against standard Council space military conduct to keep a prisoner in solitary for longer than six months at a time without a visit. The Council, he was sure would have been stricter in enforcing these rules if it hadn't been for her smart mouth. She would have been in six months, three weeks ago...and she asked for him.


	52. Chapter 52

She sat in a secured visitation room. _As if I was thinking of going anywhere,_ she thought with a hint of a smile. She wished she could say she had planned it all, but she hadn't. Rolling her eyes at the guards circling her seat at a small white table, she drummed her fingers on its surface with impatience. She was only getting one hour before she'd be staring at walls or counting how many times per minute she could make the lightbulb in her cell flicker. It wasn't so bad...not for her. Utter tedium, perhaps, but it just gave her more time to think things through, to review and to plan. She knew from Thane's assessment that C-Sec had some glaring security problems. She was banking on things not having changed much. She just needed two little cracks in the system, and she'd be able to direct an operative--in this case, Vega. She glanced at her fingers. _Lt. James Vega._ She knew he was coming, she just didn't know what to expect from this meeting.

 

Just then the C-Sec officer watching her responded to a fist pounding on the door. Another uniformed guard was admitted, escorting James Vega. _Damn,_ she thought to herself, _N7's been doing alright by you._ He wore the all black uniform well. Pure commando. His eyes raked over her instantaneously, but he checked it before the guards could notice. _So far, so good,_ she thought, her pulse starting to speed. "Commander Shepard," he said, by way of greeting.

 

"Not a Commander anymore, Lieutenant. You should know that," she remarked dryly, playing the role of the betrayed officer. Her seat was fixed to the floor. One of the guards released her from her hand restraints while the other bound one of her ankles to the corresponding chair leg. She wiggled a little against the guard's hands stopping one of them with a hand on the wrist, letting it linger a second longer than decent. "That tickles,"she admonished flatly as she struggled to maintain her composure. _If Turians could blush..._ the guard was young and everyone knew who she was. She wanted to laugh out loud, but there would be time for that later. The guards advised them that they had one hour maximum visit. They were on vid and audio recording systems. Either party could terminate the meeting at any time by knocking their fist on the table three times. Then they were left "alone".

 

"Well..." she began.

 

"Well...? Commander?" He answered in an insubordinate tone. It was well chosen in the context of the meeting.

 

"Enough of this." Her eyes narrowed and her voice dropped as he watched her twist a tiny nodule between thumb and index finger. Leaning forward with some small amount of malice in her expression, she whispered,"There goes sound."

 

Careful not to change his body language, he continued to exude nonchalance and unrepentance, even though his words were anything but. "Shepard, are you sure?" he paused, leaning in to return the challenge she had issued by leaning forward. "What did you do?" he almost whispered it.

 

"Nothing compared to what I'm going to do," she returned, bearing her teeth at him in a smile that was not particularly friendly. "They've been giving me too much time on my own." Solitary confinement was stupid. Turians would have moved her to hard labor and never given her a moment of peace to think. Tiny threads of blue energy were needling their way through blind spots and into ventilation ducts, snaking into pipelines and wires. "And now...no vid either. Too bad." She knocked on the table three times. Nothing happened. Letting her face relax, she sighed contentedly. "At last, we're alone."

 

"Shepard, are you crazy? They're going to realize the shit is scrambled!" He hoped solitary hadn't unhinged her. The guards had not responded to the three knocks, so her tricks had worked, but it was only a matter of time. She couldn't waste this opportunity. This was the time that he could get whatever message she wanted out. "Quick! What the fuck are we all supposed to do?"

 

Her laughter echoed around him and he felt himself react just like he had when she had charged him to the floor of the shuttle bay. "Relax, James. It's not like I just cut the wires." She chuckled, wiping away a stray tear. "They're not nearly as sharp as they think they are. That kid's omni-tool is playing an engineered reel. If--IF they ever figure it out, it'll be long after this visit is over...maybe even my whole incarceration..."she was tapping her chin with one finger. "But you're right. To business." He resumed his seat. She went on. "Now, I'm under lock and key. The Alliance can watch me play Ophelia to their heart's content on the 24 hour a day surveillance vid they have on me. You can only imagine the show I've been putting on for them..." _quite the show, indeed._ She grinned. That part was fun. The crazier they thought she was, the better. Confined and crackers, she wouldn't seem like much of a threat. "The priority now is finding Thane. He wasn't on any of the bases, and I think I know why. I think he is in transit constantly. I think--I have no proof--but I think he is being kept in stasis on Admiral Hackett's flagship." James started to interrupt, but she went on. "Think about it. The thing is never stationary and it never puts into dock unless there's a war on. No one gets onto it without being an Admiral themselves." Her voice dropped. "I could live a hundred years and do everything right, and if they wanted, they could still keep me off that ship." A glass ceiling could do that for them. All they'd have to do at some point is stop her advance. I _'ve got 500 creds that say Alenko never makes it past Major,_ she thought with some bitterness.

James shook his head before giving his face a good callous scrub. "Okay, say I believe you. What do you want me to do about it, Lola? I'm not making Admiral any time soon, either." He paused, thoughtful for a moment. He had slipped right into the old rapport without even noticing. "What--you want proof? It'd take me some time, but I could get it. You're in for another six months, either way..."

 

"In a sense..."she remarked, distantly. Her tech savvy was impressive. He wouldn't be surprised if she had established some kind of window on the world outside. "Get the intel out to Garrus and Alenko. You shouldn't be the only one who knows. Otherwise, keep up. You're doing great. They've got no clue what you're doing here. Keep them guessing. Learn all you can." It was rare and high praise coming from her. He suddenly wondered how much she knew. Does she know about...? She must have read his look because her own turned hard as her voice dropped. "You're not doing anything I wouldn't have done." _Fuck my life, it's like she really can read my mind._

 

"How much time do we have left?" he asked.

 

She shrugged, glancing around. "Strip search me. A half an hour, maybe?" Her response was so natural, so casual, but she obviously hadn't caught his meaning.

 

He knew what he meant, though. He was nearly jumping out of his own skin to get to her. His hands lashed out to grasp her upper arms, dragging her onto the table as he covered her mouth with his own. He felt her body halt where one ankle was chained and he rapidly changed course, climbing over it to pull her under him. She had gasped in surprise and he had swallowed the sound like it was candy. All six months without her had done was make him want her more. She wasn't stopping him, and he wasn't fool enough to ask questions. There wasn't a lot of time. He knew that. They'd have to be cool, distant and dressed by the time the guards came in...and the threat of being caught was very, very real. And consequences? Dire. On the other hand, he was still the same red blooded guy he had always been. He was going to take every ounce out of that pound like it was his last. Scrambling to remove clothes just enough to get access in a jumble of limbs, including the one that was bound, he only stopped kissing in order to suck or taste what he revealed to his scorching lips. _Fuck, Lola._ He was starving and she was the feast in the desert.

 

She was twisting and responding. She held his head to her wherever it went. She locked eyes with him as he devoured. Her hips bounced against the table in a constant rise and fall, as she struggled to get close to him. This was not how she expected the meeting to go. She knew a lot of what was going on outside. It hadn't taken much skill to slip some tech onto a few guards and then bam. Eyes and ears everywhere. Confinement had a bitter place in her heart, though, and she was a woman with needs who enjoyed having a regular sexual rapport. She gasped as she felt James stripping her pants from her, only totally liberating her free leg. His mouth had hers while his fingers tested her. She was ready. She knew that. Then she heard the utterly satisfying sound of a zipper and a minimal rustle. She moaned low in her throat in a moment of pure entreaty as she felt him position himself. She wrapped her one leg around him, encouraging him as he pushed.

 

He hated having to do it fast. Not in general. _Nothing wrong with a quickie from time to time._ But after this much time away from her, he was dying to go slower. It wasn't an option, though. He had known that from the start. The whole hour wouldn't have been enough, let alone half that. Now his hands caught her face to look into her eyes. That weird color didn't bother him anymore. It didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was that she was looking at him. Her eyes widened with every thrust he gave and he only released her from that eye contact to kiss her. She was still using her bound leg for purchase and her free one to hold him close while she swiveled her hips. _Fuck_. There is just not enough time. She was always the more urgent of the two of them, and when she started quickening against him, he just fell into her pace, pushing her release and sharing his own. He held her under him, speared to the table by his weight and his tool inside her. "Lola...."he whispered. "What the fuck am I supposed to do?" He felt her arms around him, holding him against her where he'd let his head drop to her collar bone. He felt her breath in his hair.

 

"It's going to be alright." Her hands lifted his head to level their eyes. "You," she said it with emphasis," are going to be alright." He didn't know why or how, but he believed her.

 

They were both seated when the guards reentered the room. Vega had just lit a cigarette, for which he was reprimanded. "Why didn't you say something when you were laying out the other rules?" he asked. "Was that an hour? What took you so goddamned long?"

 

"Hey, I was just about to second hand that!" she snapped at the guard. "Fuck. That was going to be the high point of my fucking day." The guards confiscated the cigarettes, the N7 lighter and released Vega. She would be strip searched before they put her to bed, she knew. "Hey, you son of a bitch!" she called after him," Tell Vakarian I'll see him in six months."


	53. Chapter 53

Vega had an easier time getting to Kaidan than to him. The Alliance didn't seem to notice their contact, though they both took care that it not seem too regular. As the Spectre who had picked up his "distress call" and who had testified on his behalf during his case review, it didn't strike anyone as odd that there might have been a friendship struck. Thanks to the girls, Garrus finally had a tie to James. They didn't get more than a few seconds alone, they always had to be seen with their girls, but it was better than nothing. Vega had enough time to tell him of Shepard's suspicions and to relay her message about seeing him in six months. He's be seeing her sooner than that, he was relatively sure.

 

Garrus liked Narele. She was keeping his cover and he was keeping hers. He knew she was probably a full Asari commando with biotics coming out of every orifice, but he also knew that if anyone threatened her, they'd be dead six times before they hit the ground and no one would see the shooter. She got Shala to go with her to help carry the next round of drinks to their table before Garrus could even ask. Touching his omni-tool he covered the tab, tipping for each round. "You've done well, Vega. You're Spectre material, no doubt about it. What would you say to that kind of opportunity?" Garrus looked over. The lieutenant clearly wasn't listening. "James?"

 

"Huh? Sorry Garrus. I've been a little distracted, lately. What did you say?"

 

"I'm recommending you to be reviewed and I'm ready to push. Screw N7. You should be a Spectre. What's wrong with you? I thought you'd be pleased."

 

"Here we are with the third round," Narele announced as she set Garrus's drink down in front of him, dropping a peck on his mandible.

 

"Hmmm...I should have tipped the bartender more," leaning into her gesture.

 

"James," Shalaira began gently, almost shyly," would you like to dance for a while?"

 

"Hm? Oh, yeah. Sure babe. Let's go." He picked up her hand without looking at her too much and led her out on the floor.

 

"Garrus," Narele said sternly and without preamble,"your protege has to get his focus back."

 

 _She's not dancing. Well...this is sudden._ "Narele, I have no idea--"but she immediately interrupted.

 

"Garrus, I appreciate you. I appreciate that you respect me and don't threaten what I do, but your op has to get his head together. That girl is young and naive, but that doesn't make her stupid or blind." She looked at him and smiled as she walked her fingers up his arm playfully. "She's not expecting eternity, but she can feel that whatever interest he had is waning. He's not Spectre material if he can't maintain a basic front."

 

How had she guessed that he was grooming him for their ranks? "Is that what we're doing? Maintaining a basic front?" His voice had dropped to a cool, rolling purr. He glanced at the dance floor. James was doing a better job out there than he had been doing at the table, but she was right. Anyone could see it and with any kind of skill, someone would be able to read what it meant. _Something happened with Shepard._

 

"Yes," she leaned against him to whisper,"it's just not all that we're doing." He leaned into her whisper, too, and she whispered on and on. He and Narele left Purgatory first. While the girls were chatting their goodnights, Garrus pulled Vega aside, holding out a hand to shake. He lowered his voice to a brotherly tone, easily lost to the beat of the club behind them. "James, I know something happened with Shepard and I know you're feeling some shell shock, but for her sake, your sake and the mission's sake--keep your cover." His voice dropped, further, though it maintained a martial authority. "Get it done, Vega."

 

James practically choked. _Fuck, is it that obvious?_ It must have been. _Public. Private. Separate._ He had to keep it straight. Shalaira was part of his public life. Glancing over at her, he saw Narele whispering something to her. She smiled when she saw him watching her. He didn't know where to draw his response from, but he gave it with a rakish grin and a wink. Garrus threw an arm around Narele, sweeping her up off the floor with tipsy recklessness to her fit of giggles. James, in turn, held out a hand to Shala. She looked at him warily, but took it and he used her gesture to throw her over his shoulder. "James!" she mock protested. "Put me down!"

 

"Sorry babe." _Best way to lie..._ "I'm not Garrus." _Never was._


	54. Chapter 54

"C'mon, EDI...why won't you patch me in?" Joker complained.

 

"Honestly Jeff, I can't calculate your interest. I am patched into Commander Shepard's surveillance, but it can hardly be termed, 'interesting'. Solitary confinement, regimented meal and uniform delivery, shower detail every other day...I spend most of my resources on other analysis. I have set an alert system for any change in the routine--"

 

"Wait--did you say, 'showering'?" EDI cast him a blank look. His chair shook and dropped to the floor, his seatbelt tightening. "Kidding! Just kidding!"

 

EDI wasn't, her platform balancing a knee delicately against his sternum as Joker's eyes raced up from it to her eyes. EDI was the hottest thing on wheels, and this scary combination of synthetic reasoning and synthetic precision strangely only made her hotter. Shepard had encouraged him to go for her, and now he couldn't imagine life without her.

 

"Jeffrey Moreau--"

 

"Stop, you sound like my mother. It's ruining the fantasy." She smiled and started to remove her knee, but he caught her leg with both hands. "Now, this part can stay," he said, smiling back.

 

"Jeff, you should try to be serious until after hours."

 

"What hours are those? We're hiding a prototype space ship with the most sophisticated cloaking hardware in the galaxy. It's not exactly active duty, EDI."

 

"Not quite. Shepard has signaled Lt. Vega, Major Alenko and Spectre Vakarian. We should begin checking the Normandy's weapons systems. Ms. Lawson," she spoke through the ship's comm system," please initiate the viral invasion sequence." She paused, speaking to Joker this time. "And I am receiving intel the Commander should see as well."

 

"Fine. Point killer," he grumbled. EDI turned away to return to her seat on the bridge and he caught a full hand of her backside. She sent a glance over her shoulder, one eyebrow raised, putting one hand on his, pressing it closer for an instant before removing it. "I take it back," he said. "You're a tease."

 

They shared a glance then returned to their stations. 36 hours later, the Normandy was fueled, her guns were ready, everything was as it should be when she took to the sky from her hiding spot on Rannoch. Joker had been bored to tears all these months, but finally he'd be putting her through her paces, racing her across Alliance space. Finally, they'd reached their major contribution to the mission. They were the shiny, shiny lure on the water. The only problem was, they were after a big fish. That didn't make them any less shiny. They's have to avoid a lot of the small fish before they'd get the prize winner to come up from the bottom.

 

"Showtime, EDI," Joker said.

 

"Showtime, Jeff," she returned. _Showtime._

 

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"What the hell do you mean? How many sightings is that?" Admiral Hackett barked. The data cruncher brushed through his pad.

 

"156--uh--157, sir. They originate from the Veil, snaking through the Mass Relay system."

 

"That's not possible. Ultimate destination?" He had an idea. _The Citadel. It must be...they must've hatched a plan to get her out._ He didn't know whether Commander Shepard knew it or not, but Vakarian turning her over to the Council had probably saved her life. The whole mess had become too high profile for an assassination. If she got out, however, it would be open season.

 

"It is difficult to calculate. They are moving through the relays without stopping in any one place. They have already passed through the Widow three times."

 

"I didn't ask your opinion on the difficulty of the calculation. Can you make something out of the gibberish or can't you?"

 

"I'm sorry, Sir." The data cruncher raised three others on vid-comm in a consult before one of them stationed on Mars said,"Admiral Hackett, there is a possibility of error, but we believe the destination is Earth."

 

"Earth. Shepard's on the Citadel." _Oh, no. They're not after Shepard._ Raising Shepard had been his main priority since the war had ended. Losses on every side had been devastating, and most devasting to Earth had been the loss of its greatest hero. He had not thought much about what Shepard wanted, he had never denied that it hadn't mattered much to him. Shepard was an Alliance soldier and should have been prepared to do her duty. He knew his men cut corners during Lazarus II, but he had never believed that he'd have a rogue ship on his hands, ready to threaten the human home world. Shepard had managed to spread her rabid condition to her crew. Incarcerated or not, he was going to have to put a mad dog down and then try to breed a better one. His voice dropped to military deadpan. "Mobilize the fleet." They'd try to take that ship out of the sky. _We won't try...it's going down._


	55. Chapter 55

The Citadel had gone into full lock down on the first sighting of the Normandy through the Mass Relay. C-Sec was on red alert and all able military personel had been order to suit and gear up. Once more, James was glad he had joined the tech department. Tech teams were being deployed throughout the Citadel at high security points and as luck would have it, his checkpoint wasn't far from the space station's high security brig. It wasn't part of any plan he knew of, but... _maybe in the confusion..._ maybe there was a way of getting Shepard out. He knew he was better off leaving it alone. She had let herself be captured after all. _Hadn't she?_ He realized he didn't really know. He hadn't thought to ask when he had seen her. _Too busy trying to get in her pants._ He smirked. _Too busy succeeding._ When he thought about it, he couldn't regret his oversight too much. _If she's supposed to get out now, she will._ He had to trust her.

 

There was mass panic in the wards. People were running like it was the Cerberus invasion all over again. _Fuck,_ he thought as he pressed himself to a wall in order to get by. He felt bad when he realized that he had thought of the campaign that had been Thane's last. Still, coming back to the present, the Normandy had only been sighted. No shuttle deployed, no docking attempt, and the Normandy's Commander was in a cell. Just then, his comm piece came alive in his ear. "N7 personel. Attention all N7 personel. Stand by for deployment. Boarding orders issued. Proceed to docking bay. Proceed to docking bay." _What the hell is this?_ He knew he didn't have much time to make a decision. He had to report in a timely fashion. _Just do it._ He ducked into a corner with a banking console. He wasn't Shepard, but that didn't mean he couldn't do a few tricks. He hacked the console, patching into the prison. Their security was all in binary code. He couldn't spring her himself, but he could leave a door or window cracked in the system.

 

People were still screaming and pushing. Making his way through the disorder, he called Shala and told her he was deployed and not to worry. He made it to the docking area where she met him. He gave her an e-vid inspiring kiss and stepped on board. Searching for familiar faces, he caught sight of his squad's CO. Jogging over to him, he said, "Sir, where to, Sir?"

 

"Earth. We're going home, son," the older man replied with gravity in his timbre.

 

"Earth? Sir? Are we under attack, Sir?" _Earth? What the fuck is going on?_

 

"I don't know, Lieutenant. I've got orders to deploy. Prepare for lift off. "

 

"Aye, aye, sir," he responded, finding an empty seat with his squad and strapping in. He couldn't help thinking of Shepard. If their home planet was under threat, it sure could use it's greatest defender. He could only hope she would pick up the opportunity he had left for her. He felt the core drive power up just before the sucking pitch of the Mass Relay cast them towards their destination.

 

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She had laughed a little when she had noticed the tiny fissure someone had left for her to find. _Sometimes, it's like they don't even know me._ If she had wanted to get out, she would have. As luck would have it though, the time had come and someone had saved her the effort of tearing too much fabric. It was ingenious in that sense. The mistake was so small, it would take a really good tech to catch it. Alliance personel were deploying which meant that EDI, Joker and Miranda had thrown the last gauntlet down. The Normandy was an incredible prototype and piloted by the very best. She wouldn't be easy to take down, and moving into Earth's airspace? Hackett would call out the fleet. He'd have to. After all the war had done to Earth, Alliance High Command wouldn't be able to risk it if the Normandy wasn't bluffing. _Which, of course, it is._

 

Her crew had their orders. They were to engage Hackett's flagship. But their main goal was still just to run interference. They would eventually be shot down. All non-essential personel had been left on Rannoch. The rest had orders to set an emergency landing course for the Normandy and eject. The likelihood of being able to board the Admiral's flagship otherwise was nill. It either had to be forced to land or lured to land. For her own part, she was stowing away on a bustling personel carrier. She'd find her way onto the field, either in a rendez-vous with her grounded crew or the Admiral's. Either way, it didn't matter to her one bit. _This shit storm's about to blow apart._  

 

 

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The N7 carriers were in orbit and prepared for descent. They would be landing on projected crash territory with orders to surround it. High Command had announced that the Normandy was continuing to dodge fighter vessels while engaged with the other pride of the Alliance military, the MacArthur. The MacArthur had no stealth or speed, but it out-gunned all other Alliance vessels, and many Council species vessels as well. Much like the General for which it had been named, it was a deadly foe; a dog of war, its only foil being the Normandy. _What the fuck is going on?_ Joker would be piloting the Normandy with EDI right along side. There wasn't one without the other. Neither would have planned an attack on Earth. There was only one person who would've been willing to put so much on the line and she was in lock down...well, maybe now she was out, but how could she have coordinated this? _And it's all for Thane._ His mind flashed back to the way she had totally and unquestioningly yielded herself to him chained to a chair in that visitation room. Sometimes he felt like he knew her, other times not at all.

 

Their drop was behind a ridge that came up in a semi-circle. The men and women on his carrier disembarked. He watched in a horrified awe as ten other similar carriers made drops, swarms of black clad personel disembarking just as his had. There was some mild confusion as teams formed up and advanced to positions. Somewhere behind him he heard an NCO barking out orders to a stray female operative. She answered in the affirmative and jogged off in the direction the NCO pointed in. _Now, that's weird._ They were all suited up, they all looked the same, but there was something about the jog that jogged something in him. Was it even possible? Could she have made it out with enough time to stow away on board a carrier? He watched the "cadet" report and salute. Once she was waived off to sit with other low ranking cadets, it was impossible to keep track. She slipped in and out of the foreground, until eventually he had lost track of her. _It's her. It has to be._ Nobody else was that good. He put it aside. No one knew how this was going to play out, and he needed his head on straight whatever came next.

 

 _Tsk, tsk, tsk, Lt. Vega. You just let me slip away._ She had felt his eyes on her almost immediately. In some ways, this visceral connection with him really fascinated her. The second his eyes were on her, she knew he knew her and she knew something else. He was the one who had left her a crack to squeeze through. Now she was silently hacking as many mechs and heavy mechs as she could from her place on the sidelines. There was a strange whoosh overhead and she raised her eyes to see the Normandy evade one of the MacArthur's missiles. The air battle was on hot and heavy. The Normandy dodged attacks from two more fighters, a second missile from the flagship piercing her flank. EDI arranged a defensive sequence, hitting the MacArthur with the main gun. _Nice._  Both ships were officially going down. Joker spun the Normandy away from the ridge, directing her outside of the projected crash site as the MacArthur began its ponderous descent within range of personel. Turning she pushed through the advancing cadets, ready to aid High Command. Darting in an out from behind trucks and shuttles, she began to make her way to the ridge.

 

Aboard the MacArthur, a huge bang followed by a terrible rumble pitched everything to one side. The crew hadn't managed to stow everything by the time the battle had begun and a large file cabinet flew across the room. With a stunning crash, a watery brine pooled widely around a pod. He felt a sprinkling of hard chips and cool arid air. Knocked from stasis to consciousness as his pod was thrown to the floor, he woke to a recent memory. Or at least, it seems recent to him. _A tank. Suspension. Glass prison. I see muscle, wires and bone, a human construct, my temple. There is still the smell of sterility and research, but only darkness outside of the glass. Darkness is inconsequential. I see, I know what glows within their test tube. Siha._ Shepard. He regurgitates the tubes that had sustained him within tepid saline. He blinks and recovers his bearings. He is naked. He must acquire equipment. Red lights are flashing and the room tilts further. "Emergency landing sequence initiated. All personel brace for impact," the ships VI repeats on a reel to an empty room. High on the wall, a shaft door swings on its hinges. He begins to pray as he crawls. _I am coming, Siha._


	56. Chapter 56

Uniform clad bodies teemed around the valley like a cloud of black ants. The Normandy's crash landing had already sounded in the distance, while the laboring squeal of the MacArthur's hull against Terra had only just begun. A small body of Alliance personnel were remaining to help with rescue efforts, but the bulk of the hoard along with the N7 personnel were making for the ridge in pursuit. Vega was with the group heading for the ridge, though he was making every effort to bring up the rear. He had been with Shepard in the fight against the Reapers. This was nothing like that. An army was crossing a ridge to try to hunt down humanity's greatest hero. Shepard was dangerous, no one knew that better than he did, but she was just one person. Watching the ridge turn black like a field full of locusts, he realized that he had no idea how many service men and women had been called out with the order of: shoot to kill. He hoped she wouldn't engage, that she'd just disappear. She could do that. She'd be safe. But he also knew that nothing about Shepard, or this plan, was safe.

 

He had seen her again and again in the crowd, but he hadn't been able to keep a bead on her. She was moving quickly through every commander's blind spots. By now, he reasoned she was somewhere on the perifery nearing the summit. Maybe she planned to find cover while the mechs did some of her work for her. Maybe not. The front lines were just shy of the crest when they were met by an apparently lone figure. _Lola. Fuck, Lola, what are you thinking?_ The biotic barrier that went up surrounding her, Joker, Edi and Miranda behind her, was easily visible for miles. He watched as Shepard began to walk calmly forward through the front lines as shots rang out, grimly expressionless as she cleared a wide path with each step.

 

She had hacked the heavy mechs still in range of the MacArthur. Reinforcement from the rescue teams would be slow in coming. It was not part of her goals to wipe out the Alliance and N7 forces, but it was also not something that she had ruled out. If they made it necessary, she would do it. Her goal was the Admiral. _Hackett. And...subject 1._ She had spent months trying to convince herself that what she saw wasn't what she saw. It was a shadow, no proof of anything other than another prototype's existence. In spite of herself, the name still exploded and echoed in her skull. _Thane._ She'd tear the MacArthur apart, piece by piece. She would put people down like dogs. Nothing was out of the question. Nothing. Her barrier could hold up against lower military ordinance. Her biotics had moved so far off the chart, that her current maneuver felt effortless. She had cut a path to midway through the center ranks when a small missile whistled towards them. Miranda managed to use her own biotics to deflect it. _That didn't come from a heavy._ She had her ways of dealing with heavy mechs. Apparently the MacArthur, while downed, wasn't out of fire power. _That's going to be a problem._

 

He had managed to stay far from the front center, but from the second she had appeared on the field, he hadn't been able to take his eyes off of her. She had managed to cut straight down the middle, and Miranda had managed to throw off several of the MacArthur's surplus ground to air missiles, but the next one came too fast behind them. The barrier went down. His heart was pounding in his gullet when a blur of black rushed from the right flank to the center. There was debris flying everywhere and an N7 issue helmet lay on the ground, tripping an unaware cadet. His ears caught a husky, feminine roar and his eyes trained in on the source. One arm swiped across one eye as the other threw up a new barrier sprinting to the vicinity where Shepard's had gone down. Now he was pushing and clamoring forward. If this was the moment, this was it. He didn't know what was happening, he couldn't guess the plan, but if this was a winner takes all fire-fight, he was making it or breaking it with Shepard.

 

Suddenly, the whole field went silent. Hot air from the fires of crashed ships and machinery gently blew dust and ash over them all, but the eerie quiet that enveloped them let every soldier feel their heartbeat in their chest. The quiet hung one second too long. Was it over? _Is it over, Lola?_ The hair on the back of his head went up as a cloud passed over the sun and every bit of shade began to slide and slither. Then came the burst of unsound. A biotic nova sent out a perfect circular ripple toppling personnel in an outward direction. That was when Lt. James Vega's heart stopped.

 

Two Shepards. Two Shepards stood together, supporting a barrier field. Using his combat scope he zeroed in on them. There she was...her glossy turquoise eyes glinting as they had from the time Alliance brought her back, but the other one... _the "N7 cadet_ "...the one he had recognized as Shepard from the personnel carrier had one eye to match the first while the other eye... _Lola._ Fair crystal blue, the same eyes he had seen the night of the house warming party...the eyes of the original. _What the fuck, Lola?_ He looked at the charged face of the one and the familiar eye of the other. _Lola...what did you do?_ One Shepard held her hand out to the other and the hands joined. The field around them pushed on, sweeping away everything in the way of its advance. Gunfire erupted again against the tide, washing the hillside to a ruddy version of its natural state. _It's all fun and games now Lola, but the MacArthur's going to send reinforcements...and more missiles._

 

But it didn't. Everything sure seemed slow in coming, but they all knew that combat had that strange slowing effect. Ranks were breaking and falling away. Auxillary forces were nowhere in sight. Something was going on. There had to be a reason that the MacArthur seemed to have halted all support. Then, they saw it. An armored vehicle division had broken off from the downed ship, climbing to meet the other forces. Their level of ordinance would down the barrier, if they engaged. They began firing off in tandem just as Shepard and her skeleton team passed under some low tree growth. Bows split, creaking and groaning, just as the blue of the barrier evaporated. Dry earth puffed out in a cloud from beneath the falling trees.

 

James had made it to a better vantage point. He knew he had to avoid suspicion of the Alliance forces at the same time as edging around to a flanking position. The best he could hope to be was a distraction, but he'd do whatever it took to help her. He'd get it done. He could make out EDI carrying Joker, who by the looks of things had broken a leg and an arm. Miranda slid in a cobra crawl from the dense tangle of broken tree. The cadet Shepard struggled out next, her teeth beared from exertion, before reaching back to drag out the Shepard who had evidently been aboard the Normandy all these months. He heaved a sigh of relief, even as his mind flashed back to a prison visitation room. _"You're not doing anything I wouldn't do in your place."_ Her words echoed in his mind _. No, Lola....apparently, I wasn't._ It seemed there was a whole lot Shepard was willing to do. Way more than Hackett could've imagined, that was for sure. _Creating her own doppelganger to take her place in prison...? God-fucking-damn, Lola._ But, it had seemed like she knew him, really knew him. She read him just like Shepard... _because she IS Shepard...I guess? Fuck my life._ Those were all the thoughts he could afford to spare. He turned his attention back onto the scene before him. One Shepard looked to be down and the other was hauling herself together to throw up one more barrier as the armored vehicles advanced.

 

The sea of the remaining Alliance forces parted for the vehicles whose guns were actually able to knock down the barriers, though they filled in behind the team blocking escape. The vehicles came to a halt in a semi-circle facing Shepard's skeletal team, their guns trained on them. Admiral Hackett stepped from the center tank walking to the barrier's edge. His uniform was torn at the shoulder, probably from the ship's impact, and sullied by dark droplets of blood. "Shepard," Hackett paused with narrowed eyes,"and Shepard." He gave a bitter, rasping bark of a laugh that echoed against the ridge. "Double the trouble. I should have known."

 

 _Or twice as nice,_ James thought as he listened, edging quietly towards the new flank. _Guess it depends on who you ask._ One Shepard was sitting up now, coughing and holding her side. Miranda was with her, supporting her upright. The other, with the different colored eyes, maintained the barrier while staring Hackett down. "You're just sore you didn't think of it first," she gritted out through teeth that were clenched with effort.

 

"I'm just 'sore' I didn't manage to do right and have you put down before you could replicate," the Admiral returned. "What the hell happened to you, Shepard? We picked you up, nothing but a gang rat, off the streets--we MADE you. Your methods were questionable, but no one ever questioned them. You got it done and you were respected."

 

The Shepard on the ground let out a dry bark before spitting out a little blood. "Stop. It hurts to laugh." She sputtered a little more, her white teeth glazed thickly with red. "Respected? I died to end a war..."she paused with a sudden gasp, before chuckling mirthlessly"...ultimate sacrifice, some might say. Took you, what--an hour? A day to decide to tear me from the grave?" With that she spat at the ground in the direction of his feet.

 

"You...filthy...ingrate." The Admiral's voice was raspy, but each word was weighted and coated in platinum. "You are Alliance. You are ours." He paused, leaning in to the barrier to take in the standing Shepard's glare. "You and this...pet...of yours. This...abomination." He turned and started to pace slowly. "I should have terminated Lazarus II long ago. I should have kept you under lock and key until you cleared every psych evaluation and were fit to serve the Alliance, but no. I thought the great Commander Shepard deserved to be released to live her life. And humanity deserved to have her back...as a symbol of hope. Indestructible street trash from Earth. Useless sentimentality on my part. I should have kept you in the lab and put you down."

 

"And just made another until you liked it." The Shepard still standing murmured it in a strange knowing way.

 

"We would have..." Hackett paused to find the right word"...refined the process until our needs were met."

 

The weaker Shepard was weakening more with every passing minute. EDI administered medi-gel and bound up her side, but she was losing steam for talk. Still, she managed to croak out," 'Refined?'"

 

"Yes, Shepard. Refined." His talk with her was nearing its end. He turned to exit the soon-to-be hot zone. Shepard had earned this. In technicality, it followed military execution protocol. This execution just called for a bigger firing squad. Personnel blocking retreat filed aside out of the path of the tanks.

 

James had found a good position. He could throw some grenades, maybe get in close enough for detonation charges if he was lucky. EDI was covering Joker, Miranda was covering one Shepard. _One Shepard. Fuck._ He didn't know which was which and didn't know if it mattered. He didn't have time to go through it all. He'd protect them both.

 

"Where is Subject 1?" Shepard's voice was stronger. Either the medi-gel was working or the question was more important.

 

"Ah, yes. Subject 1..."Hackett paused, before turning to face her from behind the lines. He opened his mouth to speak and a single shot pierced his forehead. For a moment he stood, then his body folded like a worn letter, one joint over another until he slid limp to one side.

 

James didn't wait for the shock to wear off. He launched the grenades at the armored vehicles. They caused a confusion more than doing damage, but it was enough for him to get in to plant charges. They did the heavy lifting. If the charges didn't destroy the tanks, they managed to incapacitate them. Without the Admiral and having suffered heavy losses, the chain of command was weak. And of course, without the tanks or missiles fired from the downed MacArthur, the ground troops lacked sufficient ordinance. The result was chaos.

 

Some COs tried to hold their ground, others were pulling back to the MacArthur hoping to find higher ordinance weapons. James turned to join the team. Every unit standing their ground around the team was being peeled apart unseen. Body after body fell as if a puppeteer's string had been holding them and then was simply cut. The Shepard maintaining the barrier had closed her mismatched eyes, her eyebrows creased deeply with exertion and concentration. Only one unit remained on the ridge. Vega reached the barrier in time to see the last unit cleared from behind by one biotic throw. He watched shadow weave through shadow. _It's him._

 

 _Siha..._ He could feel her on the field. Ms. Lawson had managed to get Shepard to her feet. Her injuries were serious. His path from the warship had been complicated, but equipment had been easy to acquire and a helmet had disguised him. The ship was a silent tomb now. Men would find equipment, but they would find no more men. He was not at his all time best, but it was enough, and it would be enough. He continued to move through the shadows, letting his body do as it would. He gave in to it with total abandon, for no one outside of her team on this ridge was innocent. There would be time for the kiss that would freeze time itself. There would be time to know her a thousands times over again, with no further need to relive memories while his angel of life, blood and death stood at his side. Now he could see her pushing away from Miranda to stand on her own, raising one hand to extend it. _She reaches for me, just as I reach for her._ He broke into a sprint as the barrier lifted for a split second, dropping to slide into its range, Lt. Vega rolling in from another direction. He didn't know anything for some seconds but his four fingers lacing with five, as he braced to support her weight. "Siha," he breathed against her hair, taking that moment to live with her as he had always wished to live with her before shouting to the others,"Up! Up the ridge, now!" Lifting her into his arms he began to push with long strides up the ridge.

 

"Thane, Miranda--can you take over the barrier?" Vega shouted. Shepard had been holding out a long time, but the sheen of exertion had become a cold sweat and a grey white pallor. _She can't even open her eyes anymore._ He wanted to see them again. Thane was taking care of one Shepard and he was glad. But he didn't consider the second Shepard expendable. No one on this team was--the CO had said so herself.  _Way back..._ it seemed like last week, but it was last year. He shook it off.

 

Miranda looked back," I can do it. Take her."

 

He lifted her on to one shoulder. _Now three are carrying three. Dr. Chakwas is going to be pissed when she sees this._ "Where are we going anyway? Alliance is going to be all over the Normandy now that she's down."

 

"If they can find her," Joker quipped with a devious smile.

 

"Some of us have been working while you were partying with your stripper on the Citadel, Lt. Vega," Miranda put in.  _Fucking hell...does everybody know?_ He had nothing for a comeback. "Besides, she'll be in the air before you know it," she finished with perfect nonchalance. Then her voice dropped to a disgusted tone. "The Alliance couldn't hit the broad side of a barn." Miranda didn't hate anything quite like incompetence.

 

"Wait. You FAKED an emergency landing?!"

 

"I also do weddings, anniversaries and birthday parties," Joker snickered. "Come on, LT. You make it sound like it was hard. Passing through the mass relay system and going invisible again while Alliance and Council military is on red alert? Now, that will be hard."


	57. Chapter 57

_They say you can never go home._ But he was home. He hadn't known it when he bunked in the shuttle bay of the Normandy, but it had been home and it still felt like it as he looked around his quarters. Everything was up to code, exactly as he left it, familiar and ordinary. _And empty._ He was grateful for that, too. He needed to be alone. He had found a secure channel to fill in Garrus, although EDI had already signaled a few key players, on the Commander's oders, he was sure. Orders she probably gave before the attack even started. He groaned. _The Commander....fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck_. James Vega knew when he was totally out of his head. He started to work out. Working up a sweat, working up a burn would take his mind off things. He'd wait for Garrus. He'd have to.

 

Up in the MedBay, a father and son sat with two near identical women. One lay silent as a grave while the other sat nearby, equally silent. Dr. Chakwas was busy setting Joker's bones while chiding the assembled group. "I can assure you, the Commander is in no danger. The wound she sustained was quite serious, but you brought her to me in time and the prototype has demonstrated advanced capabilities before. She will sleep until she has regained function. There is no reason for you to wait around her as if she would slip away at any moment--"

 

"With all due respect, Dr. Chakwas," Thane quietly interrupted, turning his eyes to meet hers, "that is not the reason that I wait." His eyes returned to Shepard, his mind visibly slipping into meditation. _I have already waited too long, Siha._

 

"Please, Shepard," Kolyat began, addressing the other Shepard in the room," we are underfoot here in the MedBay. Let us speak a while in your quarters until Spectre Vakarian arrives."

 

"Why not?" she returned with a familiar sardonic edge, exiting in the direction of the elevator. _I can collect dust in a state of dread as well there as here._ James was down in the shuttle bay. She would have to go talk to him soon. She wasn't afraid to face the music, but she knew what she had done. He needed time to think. Her mind flashed back to the visitation room in the Citadel brig and her pulse tripped. There would be time for recriminations...or whatever...she shook her head. Her lips still heated when she thought of how he had dragged her across that table.

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

_Well, well, well._..Garrus thought, while his ship docked with the Normandy out beyond the Veil. Shepard had been a busy little bee, as the humans often said. He had laughed his way through most of Vega's report. Even he had been played, turning her over to the Council only to discover after the fact that he hadn't turned her over at all. That had been risky, but brilliant. And clearly Shepard was able to engineer a better double than Cerberus had. The Shepard he had spoken with before Vega's hearing had been identical to the original... _Vega must be going out of his mind._ He'd have to check in with his protege, but first he needed answers; and Miranda, Mordin and EDI were the ones who would have them.

 

"I don't understand your confusion, Vakarian." Mordin blinked. "It is quite straight forward."

 

 "What is she?" Garrus repeated, pinching the bridge of his nose as he endeavored for patience.

 

"She is Commander Joan Shepard," Mordin replied in a slow and halting manner, in the way one would while speaking to a lunatic. He had not stopped his activities to answer, but continued to buzz and hum his way around the tech lab.

 

"No. What is she? Is she a clone, a doppelganger, a synthetic? What?" Garrus's voice raised slightly. _Someone else might have gotten it wrong, but someone else might have understood the need for elaboration._

 

"She is Commander Joan Shepard. She is the same exact prototype, the same genetic code, the same technology and her memories were implanted from Shepard directly. She is Joan Shepard," Mordin concluded with finality.

 

"Professor Solus is correct, with one exception," EDI began.

 

"The second Shepard does not carry the corrupted genetic strain." Thane had entered the room in perfect silence. _Impeccable_. "She does not carry it, because I did not implant it." He paused, he eyes glazing distantly. "Woken from death, glass, water, consciousness. Voices speak from beyond a void. It is mottled and gray through the water in the tank, but I hear words. 'Prototype, Subject 0, Shepard,' and my soul is called forth by those words." He blinked, returning from the memory. "That is the earliest memory I have from being raised." He paused again. "It was selfish, but I was lost to her long ago." Garrus and Thane both noted Shepard II, Kolyat and Vega entering the conference room. James crossed away from the assembly and leaned against the wall at the far side of the table, careful not to look at Thane... _or Shepard_.

 

Thane went on. "When I was dying, everything about her kept me alive. Everything about her made me push just a little further than I thought I could. When I was returned to life, I hoped my memories would do the same for her. I...prayed they would. Because if I lived, I could not imagine being without her. I knew why they needed me. I knew that she was resisting them....and I knew that I needed her back." His eyes glazed again. "I place my ear to every wall, every gap, every vent. They want to wipe the slate clean, destroy Subject 0, begin work on Subject 2. Shepard. How many times will they kill her? How many times will they use me to raise her? I steal into the lab as I have dozens of times before. The laboratory is dark. It smells of sterile tools and tables...cleanly corrupt. I have followed what they have been doing. They have vids, so many vids--things no one but we two were ever meant to know. They think they have me, but they don't have me. Many tubes connect with the tank. I see sinew, wires, biotic enhancements, a human construct without skin or hair. Siha. It is she. 'Not yet, Siha,' I say to her. 'Not yet.'" His breath caught. He blinked once more. "I introduced the drell memory capacity from my own DNA. They did not catch me then, but weeks later, after the prototype began to grow. I was...questioned", his eyes glazed again, but he continued without elaboration,"...and confined to stasis." Garrus shot a covert glance in James's direction. The lieutenant was measuring his breaths. He stole a peak in the other Shepard's direction. Her face was smooth as glass, but she too was measuring, her breath shallow... _hmmm. Looks like I got here just in time._


	58. Chapter 58

Garrus had taken up temporary quarters in the main battery. It was cramped and uncomfortable compared to his own Commander's cabin on the Valluvian, but he thought it best to be close at hand. Now he had two Joans to worry about. Thane had resumed his place in Life Support, but he still spent most of his time in the MedBay. Seeing him returned to his prime had surprised and impressed Garrus. Thane had been a flawless assassin and sharp shooter, but his performance then seemed to pale in comparison to his current state. Just like Joan, he was better than ever. Garrus couldn't deny, he was glad for that.

 

He still hadn't seen Vega, he had thought the LT would be banging down his door, but instead, James seemed withdrawn, preferring the company of his punching bag and weights. The Joan who was conscious also seemed somewhat... _unavailable_. She was aloof, spending time in the MedBay with Subject 0. From what he had been able to gather, the two had formed a bond, a powerful one. _She needs support...where the hell is Vega?_ His question was answered by the door to the main battery. Vega entered with agitation in his step, then stopped almost mid-stride, frozen.

 

"Look, James..."Garrus began, "we couldn't really speak on the Citadel--"

 

"Did you know?" Vega interrupted him with a forceful edge to his tone. He watched Garrus sigh before answering.

 

"No," Garrus answered quietly. At James's skeptical expression, he went on. "It's the truth. She signaled me to meet her from the Normandy, I found her at the coordinates she specified. She was totally in the know about everything. I had no suspicions and no idea." Some of the glare had gone out of Lt. Vega's eyes, but his jaw was working on itself. "It made sense, James. It was better that I not know...safer for everyone if none of us knew..."

 

At that, James scoffed bitterly. "Safer," he repeated, then fell silent.

 

_Ohhhh...._ he had known that something had happened between Vega and Shepard during their visit in the brig, but he had almost forgotten it. The two were an item with a lot of unfinished business, and he was the last to judge. Also, it hadn't seemed important to the grand scheme of things when he hadn't known that there were two. "This is about your visit in prison..." _Joanie, Joanie, Joanie._

 

Vega's hands raked through his hair, yanking on the ends of it as he let out a sound of pure frustration. _And confusion..._ "Yes. Something 'happened'." He didn't know what to think. Carrying on with Shala after that had been an uphill battle. After seeing Shepard in prison, after coming together with her in those frenzied spare moments...it meant a lot to him. In a way it had meant more to him than any other time--it had even strengthened him. He knew she still wanted him. But it had also crystalized a simple fact. He was in love with her. He had been for a long time. She understood him, she encouraged him--two sentences from her were all it took to push him to be twice the man he thought he was. He was quiet for a moment. "But it wasn't Shepard. It wasn't real--"And he had fallen for it. _Just another piece on the board..._

 

"James," Garrus interrupted him. "It was Shepard....'it' is Shepard," he emphasized each word meaningfully. He paused, letting that much sink in. "Have you talked to her?"

 

"And say what, Garrus? What's the ice breaker for that?" His voice had clenched with frustration. _What am I supposed to do?_ None of it made any sense and he was pretty sure there wasn't anything in any handbook on protocol for a situation this truly fucked up. "I'm not you, Garrus."  _Never was._

 

Garrus frowned. _Of course not, James. Then there would be two._ He would have liked to rib Vega just then, but he reigned himself in.  _Something tells me that level of irony is not what this conversation is calling for._ The lieutenant was clearly not ready for humor. "Is this really the most uncomfortable conversation you would have started with her?" he said in a tone he laced liberally with skepticism.

 

The tone and the question combined to slap James to attention. They had been through a lot. Plenty of things had been hard to talk about, but he had found ways to open dialogue and to keep it open. He had found ways of keeping her talking... _even when the going got rough, I kept going for her._ But he couldn't get around it. _That was another Shepard._

 

Garrus took his silence for reflection and didn't press on immediately. He wasn't in James' position, but he had two best friends in the place of one-- _two to care about...and two to care about me._ The original Shepard had made the choices that would tip the balance, but the second had made her own choices and one of them had been Vega. He thought of the Joan up in MedBay with Thane at her side and her double who had waited for James in the brig. Whatever whichever Joan wanted, she got.

 

James sighed. "I don't know what to feel, Garrus. We..." he hesitated but plowed on," you know what we did. How could I be with her and not know it wasn't her? How could she--"he halted. He didn't even know how to articulate it. It would have been the other Shepard's first time with anyone, but she had given herself to him like she knew him.... _like she knew everything...every right thing to say, every right move to make._  

 

"You didn't screw twin sisters, Vega. They aren't identical. They are Joan Shepard." He thought before going on. "This wasn't a ruse because it wasn't necessary. She didn't have to be with you. She chose. She chose the way Joan would choose." Vega was shaking his head. "You should talk to her. "

 

"How? What will I get from it?" He couldn't help it. He felt his worst fear coming true. He felt like Kaidan. She had concealed the plan from everyone, kept it on the need-to-know. What was right seemed wrong and he felt like a fool and a tool...so much of what Thane had said in the Comm-room resonated with him.  _I know how he feels._ That reminded him of Kaiden, too.

 

"The truth." Garrus answered. "Did you ever know her to shrink from it? Did she ever sugar coat it for you? I can't say what it'll be, James, but she will give it to you." He paused. "Don't you want to know?"

 

Hours later, James Vega entered the MedBay. He still wasn't used to the shock of seeing two Shepards in one place. The seated one raised her eyes to meet his...the old eyes. He felt heat rushing through him everywhere. All it took was a sweep of raven cast fringe opening up to that icy gray blue to send him back to the house warming party all those years ago...the guilt, the want... _the passion. Fuck_. She stood and began to make her way to where he stood on the other side of the cot. _Goddamn, Lola..._ every step, her expression, everything down to the way she breathed was Shepard. She stopped, leaving just enough space for him to hope he would be able to think. He had questions, she had answers. There were things he would need to know. Then she spoke and swept every thought he had out of his head.

 

"Well? You got something to say to me, Vega?" It was meant to be challenging and argumentative, but it came out in that same bedroom voice that he never got enough of. She steeled herself for a barrage she felt sure was coming and sure she had earned.

 

"You're not a commander anymore, Lola. You should know that," he quoted from their conversation in the brig quietly, enjoying a faint flush that crawled up her neck. _Is that a blush, Lola?_ He invaded what was left of the space between them. "You were something in that interrogation room, and at my trial...no one was the wiser."

 

At that, she scoffed. "They rarely are," she answered flatly. That sounded like Joan. "I'm not trying to pat myself on the back, Vega. It's never been about me being clever." She let the statement stand on its own.

 

"You calling me a fool, Shepard?" He felt like one. He was trying to tease her, to keep the conversation from taking on too much weight, but he could see that he had hit upon a real issue.

 

"I didn't fool you. Not you, not Vakarian, not Kaiden. You knew me, you recognized me." She halted, swallowing. "You may think I did in retrospect, because you don't think I'm real. She's real for you," she said, indicating to the cot with a small jerk of the neck," not me." She blinked. She wasn't the kind to cry over being misunderstood. But things with the lieutenant were complicated. He was real to her.

 

_Oh, you're real...no doubt about that._ She was. So was the way he was connecting with her more with every breath. He hadn't hesitated in the field. She wasn't covered and he went in. "Then why did I help you on the ridge?"

 

She was silent, eyes downcast. She raised her eyes, clear and unblinking, to answer. "I don't know."

 

_Damn, Lola._ He dropped his voice, stepping close enough that his breath brushed her ear, but not so close that he couldn't keep eye contact. "Why did you do it?" He let it drop further. "No matter what memories they managed to implant, you had no...experience...with me." He felt like his blood had turned to fire. In this kind of proximity her could smell her scent, feel heat coming off her body. He couldn't find more voice than a whisper. "How could you give yourself to me like that? Why did you...give me that?"

 

She sighed. She felt like this was worse than any argument she had envisioned. He was torturing her with calm and questions, torturing her with his presence that kept coming closer to enveloping her but remained out of reach. Her pulse was thundering as she remembered. She had done it for so many reasons, curiosity had been one. She had been taken aback by her own reaction to him, her own ability to abandon herself to him that came so naturally. More than that, there had been the feelings she had for him that had just surfaced at that first touch. It had all culminated in a kind of fusion that had startled and awed her. "I don't know how to answer you, James. If you're asking how I could trust you, I just did. I knew you...I know you." she finished quietly.

 

They were drifting together as if magnetically charged. _God, Shepard._ He was trying to collect his thoughts, but they were running away from him. It was all plausible coming from her. Nothing was ingenuine. She wasn't being anything other than Shepard. It gave him patience, even as it turned up the heat on him. "There's just one more thing I've gotta know." He pushed closer, his nose grazing her hairline. "I asked you a question back in that brig. I asked you,'What the fuck am I supposed to do?'...tell me..."he trailed off. They were too close now. He could taste her breath on his tongue...and when she answered him, his heart stopped.

 

"You're supposed to tell me that I'm going to be alright...", her hands were on his biceps, "and then, you're supposed to kiss me." That phrase ended in a tightened throat. _She's scared,_ he thought. His mind flashed back to Garrus. _"She is Shepard. And when the Shepard who made her leaves, which she will--the Shepard who organized all this will have to disappear for them both to survive--"_ Shepard never had a family. The Shepard who made her was mother, sister, everything. The only person who knew her every secret. _She'll be losing everything she's known._ The thought struck like lightening.  _But not me. I'm not going anywhere._

 

"You," his arms were closing around her before he was even conscious of it, "are going to be alright." His grip tightened as suddenly as his lips came down on hers. _You're going to be alright, Lola...I'm going to see to that personally._


	59. Chapter 59

_"Siha...." Heurta Memorial...she kisses him. His nerves are coming alive, his breath deserting him. "I've missed you, Shepard."_

 

"I've missed you, Shepard." He had been waiting for her to wake and the movement of her eyes beneath their lids told him that she was close to the surface. Too encouraged by it, he had spoken.

 

The voice she heard was real. It was in the room with her. _The battle, the--_ She shot straight up in bed, greeted first by a strange and painful hollow sensation in her side. She was greeted secondly by hands guiding her back down to recline before she managed to focus on the one who commanded them. "Thane..."she tried to say it, but her throat was dry and sluggish from sleep, so the sound exited her mouth as a whisper. Her eyes hadn't fully focused, but she would know him anywhere.

 

"Yes, Siha. I am here. Please, stay still, Shepard. Dr. Chakwas assured me that you are in no danger, but your injuries..." he paused, his tone continuing even more quietly than before. "Where you feel your side, you were pierced by flying debris, a piece of pipe. You lost a considerable amount of blood." She nodded more in consent than agreement. "Will you wait for her to examine you?" His eyes were reading her, tracing her, memorizing her. She knew how it felt when they did.

 

"It isn't necessary," she struggled to speak, swallowing hard. She didn't want company and she didn't want him to move away from her.

 

"I am sure it is not," he replied, his voice as warm and caressing as his gaze, changing immediately during the time it took him to call Dr. Chakwas. She waited through the scans and Dr. Chakwas confirming what she already knew. She'd be weak for a while, but her recovery was already well underway. Satisfied, Thane gently prompted her, "Thank you, doctor. With your permission, I will see the Commander back to her quarters. I am sure she will rest more comfortably there." He had picked her up and turned for the elevator before hearing the affirmative reply.

 

Once alone in her cabin, he placed her on the bed, coming to sit beside her. He looked at her for a long time before saying, "I was going to wait for you beyond the sea..." he paused, thoughtfully. "Then they called me to you and I came. I thought that I had had enough of fighting, of killing. Perhaps I had. But I hadn't had enough of you and I never will. Tu fira exists. It exists for me. I lost myself in you long before death came for me, long before the Collector base..." he halted, then, carefully collecting his thoughts. "It has been years, Siha...years that I was kept from you. For me, nothing has changed. You are the woman you have always been for me, Shepard. But my actions have been selfish. If there is someone else that you have bonded with..." He was no fool. Vega's avoidance of him and the second Shepard spoke volumes. He bore no resentment. Their own bond had stood enough tests. Through it she had found him and he was free. They both were. "You don't have to tell me, Siha. My training tells me enough."

 

She looked at him with a stillness in her eyes. She waited a moment before responding and when she did, she did not flinch. "Lt. Vega is a good man...if you and I had never been, I would have been very happy with him." She was quiet for a moment. This was hard for her and he sensed it. Then she went on, " When I thought you were dead, I thought of raising you. By then I had memories, I knew things that you never had a chance to tell me. I thought it would be wrong to take you from the rest from bloodshed and struggle that you had earned. But I know about Tu fira. I know I never stopped wishing. I continued to ebb and fade in your direction. Vega deserves more than the scraps of me that are left after all that is lost in you. It isn't fair, but I can't change it. I could be involved with him, I could even love him, but I could never go all the way. I tried. Too much of me was and is yours."

 

"The other Shepard..."he suspected that he understood, but still waited for her to explain.

 

She nodded. "Yes," she confirmed. "I'm not perfect, Thane. I'm not even good. I needed my double to pull this off--this plan needed two Commander Shepards. Cold necessity. Doesn't mean that she and he can't benefit from it. She's a clone, they can make some argument that I manipulated her...they can clear her as long as I'm gone. She can go back to the life I had before us and live the rest of it out however she wants. She has skills, the natural ability. And thanks to me, they'll never try to raise either one of us again."

 

He could see that she was not entirely proud of her choices, but he was. No one could have done better with what they were given. She had always been capable of hard decisions and she had always lived by a harsh truth that was rarely kind and often cruel. _Forever angel, huntress and defender._ "Do not let this trouble you, Siha. Rest now. I will return when you wake." _I will always return, Siha_. Her hand stopped him before he could rise with surprising strength.

 

"I would rest easier with you here." She said it plainly and without implication, but it still made his pulse race.

 

"Perhaps, Siha. But I would rest easier where there is less to tempt me from my sleep." He had waited so many years just to encounter her after Irikah died. He had waited out the remainder of his days haunted by his love for her. He had waited in stasis, his life hanging on pure faith in her. He could wait until she was well and they were far away from Council space and influence. But his skin still itched for the feel of hers. Her fingers had woven their way through his. The sensation of it, so familiar and so long missed made him suck in air through his nostrils.

 

"It's been enough," She stated quietly and with a sort of finality. His heart was beginning to pound. "Haven't we spent enough time half alive, half in the grave..." Her eyes and voice dropped as she seemed to summon something from a very deep well. _Not yet, Siha...please._ He gently pulled from her grasp and turned for the door, but was stopped dead in his tracks by the words sliding down his back. "Be alive with me tonight." Shepard. Velvet. Rich velvet stretched over a form both strong and sensuous. He knew warm, breathing, velvetine skin rested behind him, simply waiting for his hands and lips.

 

"Siha..."the word helplessly rode his breath from his lips with longing he himself could hear. He was already beside her. It had happened before he could will it. He pressed his forehead to hers. "I am alive and I am with you. I will always be with you." His breath was catching hers, parting lips, sharing the air heated in their lungs. He paised, trying to summon whatever control he had of himself. "We can wait." He hardly believed himself as he spoke. "We can--" _Doomed._ He was already doomed. Tears surged from her eyes. He knew they were slipping from his as well and there had never really been a choice.

 

He stood from where he had knelt to level with her and crossed around the bed, coming to rest where he would put no weight on her injured side. Lips already hot and salivating with want for her kisses caught every fallen tear and mingled with hers. It was pure madness, his lips sucking on hers, his hands tearing apart her robe, hers wrestling with his clothes...carefully measuring, discovering and rediscovering, he lost himself completely. Instead of reliving, he set himself into the moment to experience every taste and sensation as it came first hand. Years had taught him that it was a luxury and he was determined not to forsake even one split second. _Siha, I love you...I love you._ She gasped when he entered her, a sound emblazoned on his brain. Her eyes trained in on him, her limbs anchoring him. _As if I had to be told, Siha,_ a small smile touching his lips. He remained eyes and body fused with hers until both fell spent and sated together.

 

Covered in a thin veil of sweat and the halo of afterglow, Joan rested in arms that kept them pressed together even in sleep. She was finally safe, finally home. "Thane," she whispered in the darkness, her whisper met with a sleepy huff of air against her forehead. It was real. She closed her eyes trying to . All of it had been real.


	60. Epilogue

Three days later, the crew of the Normandy watched from a hillside where they had disembarked. Joker, EDI, Dr. Chakwas and Mordin had remained aboard. The Valluvian and the Montgomery both waited in orbit. Old friends embraced. Saying their goodbyes was difficult, but everyone knew where they were going. The second Shepard and Vega were returning to Council space one with Garrus, the other with Kaidan. He had managed to get Vega's name on the Spectre recruit list and together with Major Alenko, they would be bringing in the "innocent" Shepard. Kolyat had also made the lists. If selected, he would be the first Drell Spectre.

 

One Turian and one human filed off to gaze in the same direction. "It's finally over, Shepard." Garrus's voice dropped with the gravity of the moment. "And I find myself wishing we were just beginning."

 

"I know," Joan murmured. "I know." This was the end of their adventures, their days of defeating the undefeatable, days of fleecing recruits at the rec room card table. Not that she was leaving him alone. He'd still have one Shepard. _It's better this way...there'll always be a spare. But now, I'm ready for retirement._

 

"There aren't words." It was the only thing he could find to say. There were not words for the depth of longing one could know for a friendship so intimate and so keen.

 

"No. There aren't." She agreed. "Best not to drag it out." She took a deep breath through her nose before turning to face him. _I will not cry_ , she thought, just as her eyes began to swim.

 

"I'll take care of her, Joanie. You know that," he promised. It was the least he could do. They embraced fiercely, barely managing to pry themselves apart. Glancing over at the group where James stood a respectful distance that was still well within the other Shepard's personal space, Joan observed," I think you won't be alone on that detail." They smiled and turned together to join the group.

 

As they approached, Thane extended an arm with his usual grace which rode intense precision. Garrus watched her float into his side, but before she reached him she turned back. "You're getting old, Garrus. Don't waste anymore time. Do you know what I am saying?"

 

_Narele._ He nearly shook his head. Was he that transparent? _If so, I'm getting too old to be a Spectre._ He dismissed that. She always knew everything. "Yes. I believe I do," he replied with a chuckle.

 

"Get it done, Spectre," she said with a knowing smirk. He nodded. At that split second, a blur of black hurled itself into her arms. Shepard 2 had no longer been able to hold herself back. She launched herself at the original, holding fast in silence as her face heated with tears. Shepard held her too, and whispered in her ear until James intervened. Their eyes met and locked. What passed in that moment could not have been defined by anyone present. Places had been decided. Paths were scored deep and true. There were no regrets and there seemed to be no losses. There was a wild and undetermined future in which lay more possibility than the past had ever offered. Unspoken consensus dictated that all players take it, and with gratitude.

 

Moments later the Normandy's shuttle was gone from sight. The remaining members of the greatest team ever assembled stood staring to the sky, suddenly bereft of the will to shuffle off to their former corners. The Montgomery and the Valluvian awaited, their crews poised for the solemn and somber ceremony ordered by their commanders. Identical plaques had been made. On board both vessels and in near perfect synchonicity, they were placed on memorial boards. They read: Commander Joan Shepard.

 

All of this became history over 150 years ago. I have no precise dates. This is the story that was relayed to me on the deathbed of my father, Council Member Garrus Vakarian. Recorded October 11th 2341 CE by Joan Vakarian, eldest daughter of surviving bondmate Ambassador Narele Vakarian.


End file.
